To not ‘correct’ DD over this?

[CoralQueef]

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable here or not. It’s causing a massive issue in the family and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.

Context - my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison more than not (chose to have the second with him whilst he was absconding to make sure the kids had the same dad…). He is in prison 8-10 times a year, and has little to do with his children but sees them if he is out and his mum has them at hers. Doesn’t make an effort to see them off his own back.

I don’t see her kids regularly, as they live 4-5 hours away and probably see them once or twice a year.

Last weekend as it was nice weather we had a BBQ at our house, DM had the kids up so brought them with her to the BBQ - it was the first time they’ve been to our house.

Whilst here the youngest (4) was talking to my eldest daughter (6) and was asking things about the house and my daughter was answering innocently as a 6 year old would. Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’

This has now caused an issue because apparently DD apparently implied to the 4 year old that her mummy and daddy don’t love each other - which tbh I laughed at when confronted about as it’s so ridiculous.

My mum and her DH want me to speak to DD and correct her and ask her to not say things like that again if asked. I said I’d do a bit more around ‘all families are different’ but I’m not going to go too hard into correcting a basic statement that most kids are told when asking about birds and the bees etc.

AIBU?

I think the original answer given by the 6yo old is much preferable to: Your dad is a criminal and that’s why he doesn’t live with you cause he is in prison.

I mean it's all daft isn't it?

Would a 6yr old deliberately imply that two parents don't love each other?

Would a 4yr old get that inference?

Sorry to jump in, but agree with @FluentRubyDog it really isn't an odd thing to say. To a child it's very simple, parents love each other, have a baby and "we live together here" is just a fact she is stating because her parents do live together.

@CoralQueef perhaps your mother and step father should start telling the truth to the children!

Why ?

Your daughter said nothing wrong and I would not burden a six year old with a long convoluted story about other families. It’s up to the family of the four year old to explain that you don’t actually have to live in the same house etc. Not your problem.

Your DD said nothing wrong! Your mum and her DH need to fuck off get a grip

It's hard to take a question like this seriously. Nobody goes to prison 8-10 times a year.

The 6yo gave a decent 6yo answer and it's not her job to deal with a subject that adults have been squeamish about dealing with.

There's complex relationships and circumstances in our family background so I talked about it when there were natural cues about familes from when my DCs were very young so there were no big reveals and things blown into issues. At 4 DS noticed an absence of granddads in his life and I had to talk about death; DH losing his dad as a young adult and me losing mine as a child, but in a way that wouldn't make DS fear his parents dying. It wasn't anyone else's responsibility to explain.

Children begin to understand the world through their own experiences and can then begin to understand broader situations. It's natural at 4 to begin to notice differences, and 6yos aren't sophisticated enough to give answers beyond their own experience.

It's so odd that people think a 6 year old needs to feel like she's wrong for stating her perfectly normal family set up. Why doesn't the serial criminal explain his family set up

"Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’ "

She answered honestly and factually. You all live together. She didn't infer anything, it was a 4 yr old asking questions and a 6 yr old responding. Don't tell your DD she should lie.

Have you asked your daughter what the conversation was? At 6 I’d expect her to be able to convey the conversation accurately.
If the other kid asked why she lives with her mum and dad and she’d replied because mummy and daddy love each other and we all live here together.. then their is literally nothing wrong in that !
I also told my DD that mummys & Daddys have babies when they live each other!!… generally that’s pretty accurate… even when families separate it’s reasonable to assume they loved each other once…. You’re hardly going to go into one night stands etc with a 6 year old!!
My own DD knew 2 ladies could a baby together etc and I just explained it as they went to hospital and a dr helped them have a baby…
Your daughters response is her reality and was fine as a response!

It’s okay for children to be inquisitive and it’s also okay for children to explain their own views. Guess what…. they’ll both understand the complexities of different family set ups soon enough. I don’t believe they need adults to give them verbal lessons about it. Learning stuff like this is part of growing up.

Sounds like the 4yr olds mother could do with focusing on how her life choices will impact her daughter, because that will be far more problematic than any comment your 6yr old makes.

I wouldn't do it - I would leave it. I think it's being made into a bigger thing than it is. The 4 year old is obvs curious and figuring her own family stuff out which is why she is asking your daughter these questions. I think they need to explain to the 4 year old about things.

Your Step dad is clearly embarrassed about the set up with his "daughter". That's their burden to bear, not yours.

Yes, I was confused too 😅 thinking that the 4 y.o. was OP's younger sister.
i've known siblings with a 20 year age gap, so this seemed feasible to me.

I remember when I was about 7.y.o, thinking that babies were made when 2 adults who loved each other, got married, kissed and Hey Presto, a baby is made 😂

If they are going to be that sensitive I would not invite the kids over to any events. As they grow up there will be more comparisons like "why does your family have more money", "why you guys go to better school"? More opportunities etc. They try to control family members but what about the real world? Can they try that on everyone to say having a dad in jail is normal?

Let's not try to normalise this and setting the girls up a low benchmark to marry guys of this calibre in the future.

YANBU. This was children talking, and tbh those children are going to hear a lot worse than that as they go through school. Just ignore their demand and attempt at emotional blackmail.

OMG op, some pp are putting you through the mangle.
Your 6 year old (in my opinion) did nothing wrong.
When the 4 year old told the mother what had been said, it very much may not have been word for word exact.
Even if it was, your dc was only answering truthfully how she thought her set up was, not that all parents should be the same.
You can't "correct" your child, because how would you explain to her she was wrong?
She wasn't wrong, because her set up is her set up, and at the age of 6, how in the world could anyone expect a politically correct answer that encompasses all scenarios?
The 4 year old understandably questioned their set up, because it's not the same.
The 4 year olds responsible adult(s) are the ones to explain in an age appropriate way.
Your 6 year old is way too young to fully understand all the differences, even though aware from school that indeed there are many different set ups.
My goodness, I'm a mature adult, and even I would be stumbling to respond in a way that the 4 year old could digest.
Those two children were being children, and talking in a way that was honest and in no way malicious.
YANBU......
Big hugs

I am not with 'all families are different', here. Normal families are two parents and the children, possibly with grandparents/great-grandparents around. Some parents are divorced and that's fine. Some children have same-sex parents and that's fine as long as they are either adopted or a surrogate has not been used (surrogacy is abuse of women in my book). Your DD answered innocently - if you want to do anything about it (I would not, what's all the fuss about?) then do the some mummies and daddies don't live together because they made each other unhappy and that made the DCs unhappy too, then leave it. Not your bag, tbh.

@CoralQueef Sorry to say OP but the mirror has published this story. Twats.

Your mum and sort of step sis are VU for blaming a 6yo for an adult's poor choices. Your DD's response was much more tactful than the blunt truth of "mummy and daddy live together as Daddy has chosen not to commit crimes serious enough to warrant multiple incarcerations".

I would not say anything to your daughter . She said nothing wrong

@CoralQueef here’s the link if you want it

https://apple.news/APEcPHJAlQ-CJc979h0iUUw

Your daughter spoke her reality when asked.
Nothing to be upset about or to be corrected for.
Tell your mother to back off her parenting advice.
More in her line to explain to that poor child the total messed up set up, her mother chose for her.