To not ‘correct’ DD over this?

[CoralQueef]

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable here or not. It’s causing a massive issue in the family and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.

Context - my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison more than not (chose to have the second with him whilst he was absconding to make sure the kids had the same dad…). He is in prison 8-10 times a year, and has little to do with his children but sees them if he is out and his mum has them at hers. Doesn’t make an effort to see them off his own back.

I don’t see her kids regularly, as they live 4-5 hours away and probably see them once or twice a year.

Last weekend as it was nice weather we had a BBQ at our house, DM had the kids up so brought them with her to the BBQ - it was the first time they’ve been to our house.

Whilst here the youngest (4) was talking to my eldest daughter (6) and was asking things about the house and my daughter was answering innocently as a 6 year old would. Then DD was asked ‘why do you live with both your mummy and daddy’ to which my DD answered along the lines of ‘mummy’s and daddy’s have babies when they love each other and we live together here’

This has now caused an issue because apparently DD apparently implied to the 4 year old that her mummy and daddy don’t love each other - which tbh I laughed at when confronted about as it’s so ridiculous.

My mum and her DH want me to speak to DD and correct her and ask her to not say things like that again if asked. I said I’d do a bit more around ‘all families are different’ but I’m not going to go too hard into correcting a basic statement that most kids are told when asking about birds and the bees etc.

AIBU?

I only mention it as he didn’t raise her in the same way a normal step parent would, so the bond/link is even more tenuous.

Once she turned 18 it became more transactional, he paid for her uni fees and accommodation, but didn’t see her for years (her choice) etc. same when it came to wanting to travel, he funded 18 months around South America but didn’t get more than a handful of calls.

So it’s not the same type of ‘cousin’ bond for my DD and her daughters (as she has an older DD too)

I think a lot of you adults in this situation including you OP are going to great pains to make this into a thing as much as you plausibly can to have the dig that it seems everyone's been craving to get in but can never find an opportune moment to leverage.

What an odd take

Penny drops. When you said "my mother married a man with an ‘adoptive’ daughter (not officially adopted but he has been her ‘dad’ since she was 1 so that’s that) and she has two children with a man who is in prison"

I thought you meant your MUM had two children with prison man and was baffled that they were still little kids etc.

I get it now.

So a 6 yo spoke to a 4 yo who then repeated what she allegedly heard to adults and they are making a song and dance about it. You don't need to correct your DD OP! With time she'll learn that there are lots of different family set ups but at her age she can only identify with what she knows.

Your DM and her DH sound a bit hard work!

I don't see anything wrong with what your 6 year old said.I certainly don't think it was said condescendingly. Mine would probably say the same because that is our set up. He is aware that there are different family set ups and one isn't necessarily better than the other it's just what you get. Your 6 year old was asked about her family and she said the truth.

Instead I think they should start explaining to the 4 year old that there are different family set ups so some kids live with their daddy, some have 2 daddy's etc. Personally I'd just file it under a chat between two little kids and move on.

Ah sorry! Was rush typing whilst trying to get DS down for a nap - could have worded that much better!!

I think you all are blowing this out of proportion.

Just remind your mum that yes you spoke to her (which you did, right) and remind her that your daughter is 6(!) and there’s no telling what will stick at that age.

At this point it’s done as far as you’re concerned and really at this point both kids have probably forgotten all about it and there really isn’t a way to correct it.

What happens if you don’t ’correct’ her?

Neither you or your children should be made to feel bad about your family set up. If others don't like it they don't have to visit you.

Oh my god she's 6, she can not be expected to navigate this difficult situation. Her parents need to explain why they don't live together not you. You have been more than generous in your response, they need to look elsewhere for the difficulties in the family. She is 6, does not need correcting - she absolutely should believe that babies are born from parents that love each other.

I'd just do as you say tell your 6 year old whilst many families live together not all do, sometimes Mummy's and Daddy's live apart.

🤣🤣🤣

She is 6 and technically she isn't wrong as she told the set up of your family.

Is it?

Its often a blanket answer kids hear to 'where do babies come from, how did you have a baby in your tummy'

Its not strange at all, dont you know any small kids?

OP I wouldnt raise this with her, the moment has gone and it would only have been a slight, 'oh and also mummies and mummies, daddies and daddies, lots of different grown ups have children'

But even then quite frankly I wouldnt volunteer that unless she comes to you and says 'how come Lucy doesnt have a daddy'. Thats when you explore it more with her

It really isn’t.

She is 6 years old. She'll end up saying 'I cant talk about your daddy, I was told off about that by my mum'

More can of worms

People are talking about this child like she's some sort of malicious snobby gossip. She is a kid just talking about what she knows and thinks about how families and mummies and daddies live together and have babies.

She's SIX!!!!

Sounds as if there's too much hearsay going on to be bothered about this!

I mean a 4yr old asked a question & a 6yr old answered.

Surely both too young to be thinking about what things they should/shouldn't say/ask for fear of upsetting/causing offence.

I mean good on the 6yr old for having an answer I say.

Mine would have been "eh? don't all kids live with both parents?"

Which was all they knew at that age!

I'd tell your mother the matter is over. The next time she brings it up you will hang up or leave. This is her only warning.

I may also drop in that girl needs to be raised with a thicker skin due to her shit parents who have set her up for a lifetime of fuck ups.
This is literally the least of that child's worries.

This.

To be fair she does have a pretty thick skin, she is a lot more ‘resilient’ than her older sister who is 7 and very sensitive due to the issues with her home life - so I’m a bit surprised it came up from this one (I’d have understood more if DD was talking to the 7yo)

Im leaning towards the 4yo not being bothered by it at all and it being an issue with the adults

The thing is, none of that backstory is actually relevant. Why did you feel it was necessary to tell everyone here about her dad being a career criminal and how her mother purposely chose to have another baby with him? Your mum's SGD, whose daddy doesn't live with her, asked your daughter why she lives with both her mum and dad. That is what your query is about. Everything else just sounds like judgment.

Well it is relevant. Because it’s not as simple explaining the full situation since there is additional layers

Its not the same as someone whose dad and mum split up and live in different houses.

It’s why my DD isn’t fully aware of the situation so adds context

Hundreds of thousands of children don't have fathers, don't live with their fathers, or rarely see their fathers. Him being in prison or her mother choosing to have another child with him doesn't change what you teach children.

Some children don't have daddies. Some children don't live with their daddies. Some children only see their daddies occasionally.

The are little kids chatting. She's 6 FFS. She doesn't need to be bloody diplomatic and it's a totally unrealistic expectation. I wouldn't tell her off at all. Her answer makes perfect sense.

I’m not sure why you’re getting so triggered by this.

It adds context to why mum is over reacting a bit. And is a bit more sensitive.

Jesus wept