Pregnant to another woman’s husband

[antybus24]

Backstory:

I met a guy on Tinder last September. We hit it off, had several dates and it went cold. Didn’t think anything more of it- until come February, I found out I was pregnant.

Tried to contact the guy- he had changed his number. Went to an address I had met him at before, turned out it was an Air BnB he had rented. I literally had no other way to contact him so I carried on and decided to do it alone.

Fast forward to April and got a Facebook message request- which turn out to be this guys wife. I asked her if we could meet for coffee as we needed to talk, insisted I knew nothing about her existence (which I didn’t) but we needed to talk. Met up with her a few days later and it turns out they have a son who is my daughter’s year at school (my daughter changed schools last September). I told her the news, naturally she was upset and left.

Fast forward a few days and I get a phone call from the head of my daughters school saying she is being bullied and I, my ex and the bully’s parents were called into the school- and yep, you guessed it. It was him and his wife. My daughter was distraught, stayed with her dad for a while and came back just over a week ago. We are hardly talking still.

BD has since contacted me and said he wants to be part of his child’s life- which I respect. What I can’t respect though is the fact his wife told their son and he and others have chosen to bully my daughter over it- me and her Dad are considering, again, moving her schools next year and talking about home schooling.

He is saying he is going to contact a solicitor and looking into joint custody. He hasn’t made an effort until recently (I suspect his wife told him straight away, he certainly knew when we were called into the school), hasn’t offered to attend a single appointment or offered a single penny towards the various baby shite that’s currently cluttering my spare room. Plus I just think it’s fucked that he still lives with his wife and wants to take a child that was made from the result of his affair into their home?! She doesn’t want anything to do with me but he tells me she is OK with it and I just can’t see that being true.

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

AIBU?

You took a risk by having a child with a man you don’t really know. Barring egregious behavior, he is able to petition the court for parenting time. It will start slowly which will give everyone time to acclimate.

it’s also possible that he will disappear just as quickly as he reappeared in your life. His marriage is bound to be undergoing intense strain and your shared child will be a constant reminder of their problems. Many men abandon their children in similar circumstances.

You have no choice.
You decided to keep his baby and under UK law that baby has a right to a family life and to knownits father.

The courts won't stop him from having significant contact with his child because he's in a long term relationship in a secure home.

Also forget the idea of sitting down with the 3bof you she doenst want to and you can't force her

🤔

I know what I would have done in these circumstances but I suspect it’s too late for that given the timeline you’ve given.

This is one sorry mess.

The wife isn’t ok with it. He’s talking shit again. You need to make your peace with her.

Your main priority is your existing daughter at the moment. She is being harassed and bullied for something that is nothing to do with her. If you can’t get her out of there for the new school year your babies ‘father’ needs to deal with his son as a priority

You have decided to have a baby daddy you now have to live with the consequences no legally you can't pick and choose what you do, you could benefit from getting legal advice and for your daughter to get some professional help to help her through all this mess

I don’t understand why you told his wife you were pregnant and why you now want a 3 way discussion including her?

Did you claim CMS for the baby? I suppose she would have found out via her husband eventually.

I agree you need to move dd’s school asap.

How did the guy's wife find you?

Your story has some gaps, so I'm not sure how worthwhile any advice you receive here will be, but I can see why you are reluctant to have much involvement from the dad and his family if the first thing that happened when his partner and DC found out was that your other DC got bullied. That was pretty vile of them.

As someone else pointed out though, it's not your decision. given the school had to call you all in, you presumably have evidence of the bullying you could use in court, but unless the bullying is repeated in a provable way, I doubt a court would bar contact. If you don't want him to see her much your best bet would be to move far enough away that a court would think shared residency during the week would be unreasonable once DC reached school age, but it won't stop weekend or holiday contact at any point nor midweek nights before school age. With another DC already in school who has contact with her father, that may not be much of an option and certainly not one without significant cost for others.

You couldn't find him through social media, but his wife, who didn’t know you, found you through Facebook?

I would be concerned about how his wife would treat your baby while under joint shared care, considering the harassment of your daughter at school.

Do your extended family members live much further away out of the area? Is there a chance you can move while you are still pregnant?

I would be concerned about their son and what would happen to your baby. If he bullies your daughter he night harm your baby! And his wife might want to harm your baby to! Wow your in a right pickle.

I would peruse the bullying at school and get police involved have statments and documentation. Supervised visits is much better

Exactly…. Think the OP is fudging the truth to make her appear innocent here.

Either way OP you made a choice to keep a baby by a man you hardly knew. Everything you have to come is on you.

Sorry but none of this makes any sense

I agree, there’s somethings the op is not telling us.

A baby’s father has a right to 50%

Your poor DD. Having to move school again because of bullying and having to share time in the future with her bully.

Ah. Mumsnet at its best. Let’s not give any advice, let’s just pick holes in the OP, who may well have changed some details not to be recognised…….i always do………..why not just answer the question or not bother commenting?

Id wash my hands of this entire mess. Apply for him to pay child maintenance through CMS, and then if he wants to take you to court to have visitation with the baby, then he can do that, but I would not facilitate him anyway.

They sound dangerous. If they can easily bully a small innocent child, what do you think they will do to an innocent baby?

I really wish that women would insist these guys use a condom every time.

Assuming the wife found her via Facebook because their kids are in the same year kind of thing. And then when OP looked at her profile she realised it was the cheating guy’s husband.

He sounds sloppy, so easily done.

He was likely exchanging messages with the OP which he didn’t delete. Many cheats on here have been caught after the fact, because they keep old communication like trophies - name, number and any kind of information and some MN would find the OW easily.

The OP is less likely to find his wife if he kept her info guarded, which he likely did if he was renting houses as a cover. Probably not on SM either.

Parents have legal responsibilities not rights in the UK. A baby/child has a legal right to a relationship with both parents where that is in their best interests, however for a baby 50/50 isn't ever viewed as in their best interests. Little and often is developmentally appropriate, so a few hours multiple days a week with the focus on building a secure bond with a primary caregiver for healthy development.
Australia follows the 50/50 prioristing the parents model, so if you've heard cases from there that could be why you are confused.

@antybus24 , this is a sorry mess that will now involves 2 children, and I can’t imagine the stress during pregnancy.

Your daughter may need to move schools again, and I wouldn’t trust anyone whose idea of resolving conflict is bullying a child. You won’t rest while your baby is in their care.

How you resolve this, I don’t know. You have negative feelings for good reason and he’ll have rights he wants to exercise 🤷🏽‍♀️.

I’m Australian, sorry I didn’t know the British system worked differently

2 people have sex, only one has to deal with the possibity of getting pregnant by mistake, and now she is to be shamed for making a choice not to have an abortion, is this the 1950s?!

I would be disappearing, moving as far away as you can get and hope he doesn’t chase you down. I wouldn’t want my child having to stay with a woman that will despise it. Your daughter is already suffering because of all of you and your crappy adult behaviour.