Pregnant to another woman’s husband

[antybus24]

Backstory:

I met a guy on Tinder last September. We hit it off, had several dates and it went cold. Didn’t think anything more of it- until come February, I found out I was pregnant.

Tried to contact the guy- he had changed his number. Went to an address I had met him at before, turned out it was an Air BnB he had rented. I literally had no other way to contact him so I carried on and decided to do it alone.

Fast forward to April and got a Facebook message request- which turn out to be this guys wife. I asked her if we could meet for coffee as we needed to talk, insisted I knew nothing about her existence (which I didn’t) but we needed to talk. Met up with her a few days later and it turns out they have a son who is my daughter’s year at school (my daughter changed schools last September). I told her the news, naturally she was upset and left.

Fast forward a few days and I get a phone call from the head of my daughters school saying she is being bullied and I, my ex and the bully’s parents were called into the school- and yep, you guessed it. It was him and his wife. My daughter was distraught, stayed with her dad for a while and came back just over a week ago. We are hardly talking still.

BD has since contacted me and said he wants to be part of his child’s life- which I respect. What I can’t respect though is the fact his wife told their son and he and others have chosen to bully my daughter over it- me and her Dad are considering, again, moving her schools next year and talking about home schooling.

He is saying he is going to contact a solicitor and looking into joint custody. He hasn’t made an effort until recently (I suspect his wife told him straight away, he certainly knew when we were called into the school), hasn’t offered to attend a single appointment or offered a single penny towards the various baby shite that’s currently cluttering my spare room. Plus I just think it’s fucked that he still lives with his wife and wants to take a child that was made from the result of his affair into their home?! She doesn’t want anything to do with me but he tells me she is OK with it and I just can’t see that being true.

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

AIBU?

I can't believe anyone in their right mind would have proceeded with the pregnancy in these circumstances. Why deliberately make your life hellishly hard?

@RosaRoja her DD wouldn’t have to share time with her bully as this isn’t the child by the affair, it’s her first DD & she’s now pregnant with baby no2 from the affair. It’s only the new baby that would share time at dads house

I really hope its not the 1950s. The OP would have been facing a whole raft of different problems.. condemnation and probably a mother and baby home for the situation she finds herself in..

Or breaking the law in some kind of horrendous back street abortion with all the associated risks including arrest

Abortion was not legal in UK until 1967! Horrendous when you think how often people suggest it now though of course a choice never made lightly

Hmm! Sounds like a right mess. @antybus24 how sure are you that this man is definitely the father? Was no-one else in the picture between September/October and February?

Shame, she wasn't more observant at school pick up, she may have spotted him in the playground.

@bagginsatbagend I understood that bit. But I’d have thought it would be harmonious for siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings to know each other. The thought of one child going away with one dad, another with another, separate families and experiences, it’s sad, though not uncommon nowadays.

Yes, odd that she didn’t think when they first met up “hmmm, do I know him from somewhere?”

why would the previous DD have any relationship with the man’s son with his wife? It’s not any relation to her DD, she wouldn’t be in the home of the baby’s father. Only the baby would be visiting the father not the DD that is nothing to do with the situation. I don’t understand why you think the first daughter would have anything to do with the baby’s father, there’s no step family involved in this scenario

Wow, what a sorry tale. You couldn't make it up, could you?

What a horrible man.

I would want to shift my daughter from the school and never have her attend the same school as the man's son. It would be ongoing whispers for her.
I would also want never to have to bump into him.
Half an hour or more would be perfect.
Your exdate will perhaps persue contact and he should be contributing to the child's upkeep for the next eighteen years.
What would happen if you were to die?
Maybe it is best for him to sometimes have the child visit his home. That's if his marriage survives.

@KimberleyClark

My mum wouldn't have recognised all the dads of kids at my school unless I was friends with them. Lots of dads never did school pick up - if they weren't friends and he didn't do pick ups then it very possible she had never seen him before in her life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh, I think someone could!

This.

This thread seems very far fetched. OP why did his wife contact you on Facebook? Did she find out what he’d done? How did she find out?

Why on Earth would she tell her kids to bully your DD? She’s an innocent child.

Both sets of parents in the same meeting immediately after a bullying incident?

Yeah, THAT happens.

Absolutely Correct.

Didn't happen. Do better with your story, OP.

You took a risk by having a child with a man you don’t really know.

Stop blaming women for arsehole men

Surprise, surprise yet another elaborate tale in which the OP never returns.

There must be some bloody bored people on this platform these days.

So men are only arseholes?

Not what I said and you know it

I think that PP was being sarcastic!

I feel so sorry for your daughter, what a mess you've created. How did his wife know to contact you, poor children.

All logic goes out the window here at the whiff of a MM and an OW. Even though I’ve seen posters write manuals for OPs to uncover evidence of cheating.

The man went as far as staging a home so as not to alert the OP he’s married. He’s a seasoned liar and cheat at this level of cunning.

Of course it’s easier for a wife to find the OW than vice versa. And given how skilled he was at eluding the OP, this is likely not his /his wife’s first rodeo.

Presumably, OP is a grown adult, not a teenage girl

You can't force someone to be a parent, unfair as it may feel. If you're blanked by the dad, you don't expect him to be father of the year. If he's already married, this goes 10x

So you’d be handing your baby to a man you barely know ( and who lied, or at best failed to tell you the full truth of his status) his wife who has a reason to dislike you ( even though the big fail was on her husband who she obviously hasn’t booted out) and a boy who has bullied your dd and has huge reasons to be angry with his father and subsequent baby. Does that really sound like a safe thing to do?
Personally I would be changing address, as far away as possible and making sure he couldn’t find me. You’ve chosen to have the baby alone and I’m afraid it really will be 100% alone.