Pregnant to another woman’s husband

[antybus24]

Backstory:

I met a guy on Tinder last September. We hit it off, had several dates and it went cold. Didn’t think anything more of it- until come February, I found out I was pregnant.

Tried to contact the guy- he had changed his number. Went to an address I had met him at before, turned out it was an Air BnB he had rented. I literally had no other way to contact him so I carried on and decided to do it alone.

Fast forward to April and got a Facebook message request- which turn out to be this guys wife. I asked her if we could meet for coffee as we needed to talk, insisted I knew nothing about her existence (which I didn’t) but we needed to talk. Met up with her a few days later and it turns out they have a son who is my daughter’s year at school (my daughter changed schools last September). I told her the news, naturally she was upset and left.

Fast forward a few days and I get a phone call from the head of my daughters school saying she is being bullied and I, my ex and the bully’s parents were called into the school- and yep, you guessed it. It was him and his wife. My daughter was distraught, stayed with her dad for a while and came back just over a week ago. We are hardly talking still.

BD has since contacted me and said he wants to be part of his child’s life- which I respect. What I can’t respect though is the fact his wife told their son and he and others have chosen to bully my daughter over it- me and her Dad are considering, again, moving her schools next year and talking about home schooling.

He is saying he is going to contact a solicitor and looking into joint custody. He hasn’t made an effort until recently (I suspect his wife told him straight away, he certainly knew when we were called into the school), hasn’t offered to attend a single appointment or offered a single penny towards the various baby shite that’s currently cluttering my spare room. Plus I just think it’s fucked that he still lives with his wife and wants to take a child that was made from the result of his affair into their home?! She doesn’t want anything to do with me but he tells me she is OK with it and I just can’t see that being true.

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

AIBU?

Great, seems like we mostly agree. I originally responded to this statement The OP is not a victim, she made a choice women do have choices it does seem like they make bad ones a lot of the time but they cant endlessly blame men for that.

Talking about how women "can´t endlessly blame men" for their bad choices simply leads to an extremely unfair shift of responsibility and blaim in this case. Especially when one considers how this entire thing began (with lies and deceit, the responsibility of this man) and why OP had intercourse with him (because he deceived her).

Are you new to the internet? It’s really not hard at all to find someone with fairly minimal information. I’m not saying the OP isn’t lying — it’s the kids going to the same school and parents getting called in for a meeting together that seems far fetched to me — but anyone who came to adolescence from the late 90s onwards should be aware that being traced online is fairly easy and certainly doesn’t require a “super sleuth”.

lost the plot somewhat

If his dating profile was still up, OP could have contacted him that way. Could have created a new profile if he'd blocked her (something I'd have mentioned if it happened, personally, and also something I'd do to reach him to tell him something so important).

Yes it’s a strange timeline too. A few dates in September but not finding out she’s pregnant till February. I guess she could have irregular periods maybe.

but anyone who came to adolescence from the late 90s onwards should be aware that being traced online is fairly easy and certainly doesn’t require a “super sleuth”.

And yet OP couldn't find him...

Because. He. Lied. About. Significant. Details. Because. He. Is. Married.

She. Presumably. Did. Not.

Bloody hell. Being located by the wife is the most believable part of the whole tale.

Funny how if a man sleeps with a woman who lies to him that she is on the pill and she gets pregnant, he will be told “should have worn a condom” and it’s still all his fault…..

Yes, if you don't want involvement from the dad (in which case, letting him know was an odd choice), I'd consider moving. Fresh start for your older DD too, if she's likely moving school anyway.

He lied about his name? And she never ever went to even look at his social media profiles while they were dating? And having covered his tracks so brilliantly and disappeared off the Internet to OP, his wife still discovered both the affair and OP's identity? James Bond in the dating world and Inspector Clouseau at home?

I don't know why you're so determined to believe all this - you've even admitted the dramatic school showdown is dodgy, to say the least - but I guess at least that makes it all good for something.

Gosh, what a tale of woe.

Righto.

How old are both kids? Fancy telling the son who the daughter is.

Assuming he didn't tell you he had son in your daughter's year before you met?

What add the odds.

Er, you're the one who thinks this is plausible!

I wish people would stop telling her to move away. Her daughter has a relationship with her father, she went to stay with him for days after the school incident. She can’t move her daughters school without her dad’s consent and why should their relationship be damaged when neither of them has done anything wrong?

I would have liked to have been in on the school meeting though.

You are making it more confusing than it is.

How did his wife randomly send you a friend request? What did you think would happen when you told her?

No one comes out well in this. Another child born into nonsense setups.

If it’s even real. Really hope for the children’s sake it isn’t.

Why would you have a child with a man you barely know? You've messed Up 2 children's lives. If you found out you were pregnant in February and found out he was married in the April there was still time to make a decision about proceeding with having this child.

Plenty of women have ONS and keep the baby.

If OP knew what was to come she might have decided not to but all if this drama is down to the man.

but the wife also and their child,
all very extreme

If this is real then I think the married man is talking about joint custody so that he doesn't have to pay CM and perhaps the wife doesn't want you to get any of the family money either. If they were to go for any custody I'd show evidence of the son's bullying and how you think the baby would not be safe around him or welcome in the home.

Sounds like the script to a Netflix drama.