Pregnant to another woman’s husband

[antybus24]

Backstory:

I met a guy on Tinder last September. We hit it off, had several dates and it went cold. Didn’t think anything more of it- until come February, I found out I was pregnant.

Tried to contact the guy- he had changed his number. Went to an address I had met him at before, turned out it was an Air BnB he had rented. I literally had no other way to contact him so I carried on and decided to do it alone.

Fast forward to April and got a Facebook message request- which turn out to be this guys wife. I asked her if we could meet for coffee as we needed to talk, insisted I knew nothing about her existence (which I didn’t) but we needed to talk. Met up with her a few days later and it turns out they have a son who is my daughter’s year at school (my daughter changed schools last September). I told her the news, naturally she was upset and left.

Fast forward a few days and I get a phone call from the head of my daughters school saying she is being bullied and I, my ex and the bully’s parents were called into the school- and yep, you guessed it. It was him and his wife. My daughter was distraught, stayed with her dad for a while and came back just over a week ago. We are hardly talking still.

BD has since contacted me and said he wants to be part of his child’s life- which I respect. What I can’t respect though is the fact his wife told their son and he and others have chosen to bully my daughter over it- me and her Dad are considering, again, moving her schools next year and talking about home schooling.

He is saying he is going to contact a solicitor and looking into joint custody. He hasn’t made an effort until recently (I suspect his wife told him straight away, he certainly knew when we were called into the school), hasn’t offered to attend a single appointment or offered a single penny towards the various baby shite that’s currently cluttering my spare room. Plus I just think it’s fucked that he still lives with his wife and wants to take a child that was made from the result of his affair into their home?! She doesn’t want anything to do with me but he tells me she is OK with it and I just can’t see that being true.

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

AIBU?

Lovely bit of victim blaming there. Just once more for those who are hard of thinking.....op didn't create the situation. She had a relationship with a man who told her he was single. How on earth could she have predicted what would follow?

That is not my experience! There is no way he will get 50/50 when the child is a baby. That would not be in his/her best interest. Particularly if the child is breastfed. Courts see situations like this very differently to ones where the parents were married or living together when the child was born. That’s what my solicitor told me.

It seems like they disproportionately occur because people claim it was a contraception failure to avoid getting flack and having their thread derailed (fair enough)

Both parties should be using contraception. The likelihood of both failing and also it resulting in pregnancy based on that one incident is pretty low

I've been your little girl, when I was 8 my mum had a one night stand with the next door neighbour. She got pregnant but had a miscarriage. He had a wife and three daughters who up until this point were my friends and school mates. There mum and dad stayed together but the daughters were told they weren't allowed to be friends with me anymore. It was horrendous for me and like your daughter it wasn't my doing.
You can't undo any of this but for your daughter's sake I'd move her to a different school. I get his wife is angry but it's ridiculous that the anger is being directed at you but mainly a little girl, how has her husband come out of this completely innocent baffles me.
As for the new baby, I'm guessing for the first year you can argue that contact needs to be in your presence because of breastfeeding, hopefully during that time the wife comes to her senses and leaves her cheating husband or realises that none of this is the fault of the children.
Speak to a solicitor, it's not ideal that you're having a baby in this situation but the guilt really needs to lie with the married man. I wouldn't want to send my baby to his dads if I knew his wife's resentment was being aimed at my children.

She could have predicted what followed when his wife contacted her. Why she ever mentioned the baby to her is crazy, talk about creating drama for herself, did she think it was going to be happy families. Now her poor daughter is being bullied, sometimes it's just better to keep your mouth shut and get on with life.

Suspect this is just a fabricated story, but provokes a nice debate

I'd be interested to know how that meeting with the headteacher went. Did they call you all into the same meeting, knowing the reason behind the bullying?

Relationship? Since when and 'woman makes bad decision' is now making her 'victim' yeah right

Agreed! Women who don’t take responsibility for their own contraception are also arseholes!

🙄.....

Agreed.

Messy! I would echo some PP:

• Move if you can; your priority must be stability for your daughter and a happy arrival of your baby. I don't see it happening by enabling your married date to be a father to your baby. For a start the wife would never accept it. And what would be the benefits?
• Move schools for your daughter
• Enjoy a fresh start yourself, it is really unlikely the father will want to go through all the trouble of court etc
• Focus on what you want and how you aww your family life panning out. But think it through before the birth, not after. Plan and execute before baby is born.

good luck!

It does

lol

I am a huge Lisa Jewell fan

I suspect she couldn’t avoid mentioning the pregnancy as she’s about 10 months along now since September.

I thought it sounded more like the stories in magazines like ''Take a Break'' one sees in the supermarket.
^^
'I'm a bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding- But I'm pregnant by her soon to be husband- should I tell her before the wedding?''

I think we are on the same page..😉

Plot holes.

See now I don’t agree with some of the comments at all. Not everyone wants to have an abortion and women shouldn’t be jumped on for deciding to not have an abortion.

I have no advice for you OP, it all sounds like such a mess. Your daughter getting bullied is so fucked up

This stood out to me too. Presumably op bought all the baby shite as she mentioned he hadn't contributed, what a strange way to describe it. Presumably you want the child op, getting the baby things is a lovely part of it !

Very true.
As it is us {Women} left literally ''Holding the baby'' , unless we desperately want and can afford to bring up another human being for usually 20 years, Be responsible for your own contraception!

Since when does several dates culiminating in a shag from a stranger from Tinder consitute a 'relationship'?

OP absolutely created this situation - risked her sexual health with a complete stranger, completely ignored absence of periods for 4+ months. What's more OP has more control over the situation than asehole Tinder date. She had the power to not tie herself to these people for life should she choose.

It’s not victim blaming. Someone has to accept responsibility. If it’s neither mum nor dad, it will be social services.

Ooh look the OP has vanished
how surprising

@Allfur

The final decision (rape aside) whether to go ahead with risky sex, is always the woman's. She can allow it or not.