Pregnant to another woman’s husband

[antybus24]

Backstory:

I met a guy on Tinder last September. We hit it off, had several dates and it went cold. Didn’t think anything more of it- until come February, I found out I was pregnant.

Tried to contact the guy- he had changed his number. Went to an address I had met him at before, turned out it was an Air BnB he had rented. I literally had no other way to contact him so I carried on and decided to do it alone.

Fast forward to April and got a Facebook message request- which turn out to be this guys wife. I asked her if we could meet for coffee as we needed to talk, insisted I knew nothing about her existence (which I didn’t) but we needed to talk. Met up with her a few days later and it turns out they have a son who is my daughter’s year at school (my daughter changed schools last September). I told her the news, naturally she was upset and left.

Fast forward a few days and I get a phone call from the head of my daughters school saying she is being bullied and I, my ex and the bully’s parents were called into the school- and yep, you guessed it. It was him and his wife. My daughter was distraught, stayed with her dad for a while and came back just over a week ago. We are hardly talking still.

BD has since contacted me and said he wants to be part of his child’s life- which I respect. What I can’t respect though is the fact his wife told their son and he and others have chosen to bully my daughter over it- me and her Dad are considering, again, moving her schools next year and talking about home schooling.

He is saying he is going to contact a solicitor and looking into joint custody. He hasn’t made an effort until recently (I suspect his wife told him straight away, he certainly knew when we were called into the school), hasn’t offered to attend a single appointment or offered a single penny towards the various baby shite that’s currently cluttering my spare room. Plus I just think it’s fucked that he still lives with his wife and wants to take a child that was made from the result of his affair into their home?! She doesn’t want anything to do with me but he tells me she is OK with it and I just can’t see that being true.

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

AIBU?

As the child of a pairing like this...I would have had an abortion immediately after finding out.

My family life has been extremely difficult. I was abused when I visited my father, and that side of my family has always varied between hatred and contempt for me.

My siblings on mums side never considered me one if them either possibly because of all the trouble my birth caused them and my mother.

Mum loved me at least, but it didn't make up for me being a pariah and a gossip icon from everyone else.

The OP is not a victim, she made a choice women do have choices it does seem like they make bad ones a lot of the time but they cant endlessly blame men for that

Yeah my mum was too. It has messed her up and it’s been passed down the generation. It’s not a good environment to raise a child in at all. Unless the mum is rich and has lots of extended family. Although this baby will at least have a half sister which my mum didn’t (she had several from her dad but no sibling in the home).

That sounds so hard...
But to everyone else - sadly this is a lived experience.

I would try sitting down and speaking with him (not his wife.) It is understandable that you're concerned given your daughter has been bullied at school now because of this. It's an awful situation all round that your daughter doesn't deserve, but sadly is partly down to your own questionable choices.

Moving sounds like a good idea so he'll find it harder to do 50/50. You'll be ok with just him doing visits for the first year then he can push dir overnights. Don't add him to birth cert.

He has no rights.
The child has rights to a relationship with both parents and a secure safe home. Taking an infant away from mother especially in the fourth trimester is harmful. 50/50 would need to be very gradual long term goal, not when it's a 'baby'

So prior to all of this did he tell his wife about you? How did she know who to look for or that there even was a woman to look for?

I’m not too sure what you thought the outcome of telling his wife would be? Anyway, you chose to make them aware of the pregnancy and now he wants to be involved. If his wife is remaining in the marriage, there is little you can do ( and it isn’t really your business either, it is their marriage). You will need to make your peace with this and his wife is under no obligation to meet up with you.

Unfair on Lisa Jewell, her plots are tighter than this!

It's a mess. Fair enough you didn't know he was married but getting pregnant such a short time into a relationship isn't a very good idea. The number of unplanned pregnancies on here makes me think is there such a thing as contraception in this day and age.

I don't think the three of you having a discussion is a good idea. I agree you should move away. Why should your child and indeed the other child suffer because of irresponsible adult behaviour.

“Baby shite”? 😏

There's so little mention of your eldest child in this that it's scary. Or compassion for a boy who is dealing with his dad's emotional betrayal of his mum.
Can you trust this bloke to not lie and betray his daughter? He is riding rough shod over his family - it's all about what he wants.
Be very wary of him.

Wtf is it with people having unprotected sex with folk they barely know?

What choice? The choice to have intercourse with a man she believed to be single?
The "choice" to not suspect that he was leading a double live?
The "choice" to keep the baby instead of terminating the pregnancy because she should have known that the nice man she met online was leading a double life??

He deceived her.

He was the one that intentionally engaged in risky behavious (all intercourse can lead to pregnancy, it is therefore inherently risky) despite obviously knowing that he was a married father.

He also changed his phone number and made sure that OP could not contact him.
Which meant that she did not have the information (married, father etc.) required to make an informed "choice" in this situation.

She can definitely blame him for that. Endlessly.
Whether that qualifies her for victimhood is fairly irrelevant imo. But he absolutely screwed her over.

The man's child goes to your daughters school and you didn't know?

Unprotected sex?

I must have missed that update.

It’s all about your new child’s rights, not its father’s.The first thing your baby has a right to is financial support, so unless he starts now with generous voluntary support go straight to CMS.

The physical custody side is a nightmare given the bullying of your DD by his son and his wife’s presumed role in that. You need legal advice.

A random man she slept with turned out to be a loser go figure she chose him, she slept with him, she did not protect her self enough not to get pregnant let alone what diseases he has

she chose that

Presumably OP didn’t have a vested interest in lying about her identity to cover an extramarital affair.

Why would she? I have no idea who any of the parents are at my ds school. He gets a bus and there is very little involvement with the school except for the odd parents evening.

Did the school call you in via phone? I would do a subject access request to school to get evidence of that bullying. Then offer him contact at your house (suitable anyway when baby tiny). If he takes you to court you take your evidence that his wife is and other child are high risk of doing emotional even possibly physical abuse depending what type of bullying happened. The main thing is to not stop contact that will be what has you loose the most in court just insist on never at his

I agree you should move and have nothing to do with him. Don't add him to the birth certificate. While in an ideal world a child has a right to know its father, it's a horrible situation for a baby to be born into and I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons here. Start afresh and raise the baby alone or put up with years of uncertainty and resentment. You have no idea how this family will treat your baby and your daughter will always be linked to her bully.
Move away and cut contact.

How can you give advice on a situation that, one way or another, is clearly not the way it's being presented?

Not a single person - apart from you - has mentioned abortion.