Pregnant to another woman’s husband

[antybus24]

Backstory:

I met a guy on Tinder last September. We hit it off, had several dates and it went cold. Didn’t think anything more of it- until come February, I found out I was pregnant.

Tried to contact the guy- he had changed his number. Went to an address I had met him at before, turned out it was an Air BnB he had rented. I literally had no other way to contact him so I carried on and decided to do it alone.

Fast forward to April and got a Facebook message request- which turn out to be this guys wife. I asked her if we could meet for coffee as we needed to talk, insisted I knew nothing about her existence (which I didn’t) but we needed to talk. Met up with her a few days later and it turns out they have a son who is my daughter’s year at school (my daughter changed schools last September). I told her the news, naturally she was upset and left.

Fast forward a few days and I get a phone call from the head of my daughters school saying she is being bullied and I, my ex and the bully’s parents were called into the school- and yep, you guessed it. It was him and his wife. My daughter was distraught, stayed with her dad for a while and came back just over a week ago. We are hardly talking still.

BD has since contacted me and said he wants to be part of his child’s life- which I respect. What I can’t respect though is the fact his wife told their son and he and others have chosen to bully my daughter over it- me and her Dad are considering, again, moving her schools next year and talking about home schooling.

He is saying he is going to contact a solicitor and looking into joint custody. He hasn’t made an effort until recently (I suspect his wife told him straight away, he certainly knew when we were called into the school), hasn’t offered to attend a single appointment or offered a single penny towards the various baby shite that’s currently cluttering my spare room. Plus I just think it’s fucked that he still lives with his wife and wants to take a child that was made from the result of his affair into their home?! She doesn’t want anything to do with me but he tells me she is OK with it and I just can’t see that being true.

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

AIBU?

I’m confused, your DD who is being bullied is your affair partners child, and it was her half sibling that was bullying her? Or a different child of yours was being bullied by your affair partners son, who is a half sibling of your DDs sibling?

He probably wants to have 50% custody so that he can wriggle out of paying child support but you don’t have to let him. Let him go to court if he wants to - they are unlikely to grant this, especially as the two of you have never been married.

This won’t even be important until your child is at least 2. He won’t be able to have them overnight until then. Research shows that babies should be with one care giver the majority of the time.

The man who had the affair with the op has a son. The son is bullying the OP’s daughter.

Jesus fucking Christ, what a way to mess up your kid.

Are you for real?

she did not protect her self enough not to get pregnant let alone what diseases he has

all intercourse (=vaginal intercourse between a man and a woman) can lead to pregnancy.
OP cannot eliminate that risk (except for certain fairly invasive surgical measures).

But is that really the yardstick we want to judge women by? "You did not get a hysterectomy and therefore did not protect yourself sufficiently"?

The person who could have prevented this whole shit show is the "father". But he chose to deceive her instead...

The wife must be a super sleuth to have discovered the affair and OP's identity when the husband was not in contact with her, had changed his number, given a false address and was not possible for her to reach via Tinder or any social media.

Yeah

Apparently.

OP has a daughter (of unknown age but in school). She is also pregnant with a second child. The affair partner has a son (same/similar age to the OP's school-aged daughter). The fetus is a half-sibling to both the OP's daughter (through mother) and affair partner's son (through the dad).

The OP's daughter was bullied by the affair partner's son. These two kids have no relation to each other (though they will share a half-sibling).

I had sex for 15 years before I got pregnant and that was planned. Why - because I took responsibility for my own contraception.

As much as it’s on the man, it’s on the woman too to ensure she doesn’t get pregnant. Both parties are equally responsible. So yes, she could have prevented it too. Let’s not immediately blame the man for the pregnancy. The lies and deception are a different matter.

OP - how did she find you on Facebook?

Lots of detail missing but ultimately if father wants partial custody it's going to be hard to stop this happening. With regards to the bullying, did the daughter heard the truth from the son at school and head teacher wanted to know what was going on so called in the parents? This would explain why daughter is upset with the OP. There's no evidence wife will hurt new baby and actually no evidence she's done anything wrong. I'd be trying to keep this as amicable as possible and come to an arrangement or this will be a recurring nightmare for the next 16 years.

I agree, very odd, she didn’t even know but could find the op on Facebook, then even told her kid and wants shared custody, very very let’s say unbelievable..

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

Mmm, you seem to be going into this thinking you have control of... something? Yeah, you don't. She owes you or your child nothing. All she needs to do is be kind and welcoming. This is easier with babies cos they are cute and its hard to resist the cuteness. He will do all the work obviously, it's his mistake to sort.
You and him have obliterated the lives of your loved ones through your own selfish choices. I hope its worth it. Your poor dd.

Schools don’t call both sets of parents in when there has been bullying, not together. Schools won’t even tell you which kid is bullying your kid; they’ll just give you a generic chat about how it is being handled and what they are doing to protect your kid. They won’t tell you what steps are being taken with the other child and parent (they’re not meant to, but often will informally tell you, however they absolutely will not have a meeting with you and the bully’s parents at the same time). And they especially won’t do any of that for a first time incident of a bit of bullying. So, that just didn’t happen.

I had sex for 15 years before I got pregnant and that was planned. Why - because I took responsibility for my own contraception

I am glad you never had a contraception failure. I haven´t either.

But that does not mean that contraception failures don´t occur...

Let’s not immediately blame the man for the pregnancy.

Both of them are responsible for the pregnancy, I agree.

But this man is definitely responsibile for the lies and deception. He went on tinder, he pretended to be single, he chatted with women despite being a married father... Which is how this entire shitshow began.

This is just not true. Especially with him having an accepting wife in the home. They are more likely to reward 50/50 with a younger child than one that's already established a routine with school, clubs etc. He will CERTAINLY get overnights before 2 years old.

Thanks. That part sounded very odd. It's what you see on television/films isn't it?

Of course contraception failures occur. But they seem to occur quite often on Mumsnet!

And yes, he is responsible for the lies and deception. That’s why I said it’s a different matter for them being jointly responsible for contraception…

Of course contraception failures occur. But they seem to occur quite often on Mumsnet!
Of course it's going to seem like they disproportionately occur - this is the kind of website people when they need advice.
An unexpected situation is the kind of time people need and seek out advice.

Don't give me that 'all intercourse leads to pregnancy nonsense". Can't say I've met one person who had sex with a condom, the condom didn't break, and they later discovered the sperm had teleported inside and fertilised them!

As PP rightly said she didn't protect herself enough. Had she not noticed she had't had a period between September and February!

She behaved pretty recklessfully and should be taking better care of a sexual health when she has an existing child that depends on her. She'd only had 'several dates' ffs.

People have sex when they don’t know one another. Nothing abnormal about that. But this wasn’t even a ons. He deceived op. I,don’t think she said the sex was unprotected. Maybe it was, however, some women are super fertile so it could have been a failure especially as she didn’t say she sought the MAP. I never had any failures, needed ivf. I’m veering towards the other end of the scale in fertility terms.

Or the wife found his online dating profile and looked through the messages and they contained enough identifying information that she found the OP? Or he told the wife everything he knew about OP in exchange for not getting kicked out? It’s not hard to find someone who isn’t hiding, which the OP wasn’t, by all accounts.

It's always the children that suffer in these situations. How old are you, 16?
Just use a ruddy condom!!

Love the way someone will tie themselves in knots to come up with implausible scenarios to make it work.