I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

Exactly

Surely the agency has vetted him/the placement?

Men can be predators with or without a wife in the house. It makes no difference. If he’s gone through an agency for domestic staff I think its likely this man will behave himself.

DD is 19, if she feels uncomfortable after meeting him she can leave and get another placement. For an au pair job this sounds pretty good.

You obviously don’t have a reasonably attractive daughter of a similar age who is frequently groped at work only by men. My daughter is often propositioned and gets unwanted feels by men of all ages. It’s not an unreasonable concern for the OP to have as it happens a lot at that age.

YANBU, OP, I wouldn’t like this either. She will need to decide for herself but I would be encouraging her to look for another family.

A lifetime of sexually abusive behaviour from men is going to make some women wary of this.

I understand why you are worried. There won’t be another adult in the house if he does make an unwanted move. People shouting sexism are being a bit naive. A 19yr old in a strange city living in the house could be quite an appealing set up for many men. She is an adult though so it is up to her. If she does go ahead, she needs a rapid get out strategy if he turns out to be a creep. It might also be a bit lonely if she is doing OU and not working outside the house. I thought most au pairs did language courses with other people their own age.

I understand, OP. I wouldn't want this for my daughter either.

We all know what men are like...or at least those of us of a certain age with life experience.

It may be that he's a perfectly nice guy who just needs some help, but in her place, I'd rather work for a single mum.

The people who responded on page 1 of this thread calling you sexist are terribly naive.

The agency will have vetted him in a basic way, but at the end of the day they're there to make money and take his money. They're not there to find out if he might be a predator.

I see the cool girls are out in force here.

Yanbu, of course a lone male poses more risks than a lobe female!

What checks do the agency do? What happens when placements go wrong? Treat it like a professional risk assessment.

Ok I work with teenagers so let me say something all the people trying to sound politically correct and decent aren't saying. Yes it is risky. She is 19 and he is a single dad. Why is he a single dad? most men are single because they are narcissists. They may have anger management issues. In a few cases yes the wife cheated or he has been widowed. I mean was it a teenage pregnancy and she carried to term and gave the baby to the older dad? At 19, you can't say you're streetsmart. It's the age people often get taken advantage of and in the late 20s they kind of wake up. This dad might be decent but I wouldn't want my daughter working in those circumstances. Has sexual harassment or future son-in-law written all over it. Surely there are other jobs. Single dad hitting on naive 19 year old nanny is what a lot of movies are based on...

What the fuck?!

Do you do creative writing with teenagers?

I agree with you.

No way. I would not be comfortable in this situation. Plenty of families/single mums

Totally reasonable worries. Ignore those who say your being unreasonable. Regardless of their age they are your children.
I assume the agency have done background checke? I wouldn't stop her but have plans in place for many kind of emergency.
Whats the place she is staying like going to be like. Private locked room? Any contacts / friends / family close by?
I think get your ducks in a row together and let her make the call.

Yeah, this. It also doesn't really matter what you want here.

YANBU, I wouldn't either.

Absolutely, this.

Another man bashing thread?
Hmm.
Perhaps when men stop ‘bashing’ women/there is equality/gendered crime ceases to exist - then we’ll stop feeling the need to protect ourselves from potential harm.

As someone who did this job at the same age for the same reasons .
My advice be don't work/live with any man you fancy.
I work for 3 families. One I should not have done.
And other 2 I worked for 3 years / 1 and half happily till the wife when away . Both dads made a move .
I was not a petty girl.

Re hours are you sure the child lives their full time . As children spend some time with their other parent .

The requirement to do every Saturday would be a dealbreaker for me. She will need the opportunity to go away for a whole weekend. Otherwise she will never get a proper break.

I really get your concern... is your daughter mature and confident to report anything untoward? Even low level flirting. If she is I'd support her decision. If not I'd try and talk her out of it.

If he's a mice decent guy the fact it's a single parent household I think is a positive.

Ask if he has a cleaner. If not I suspect the house chores will creep up. They're big old houses in that location.

Honestly in my experience if she worked in a bar while studying she'd be being sleazed on/groped by various supervisors/managers/chefs/customers, at least this is only one potential threat to deal with. I also agree that threat isn't minimised if the man is married.
She has her own floor and bathroom which is beneficial.
The bit I'd be more concerned about would be how realistically it will be 18 hours, who is doing breakfast and chivvying the child to get dressed, who's doing dinner for the child, washing up, laundry, supervising homework , how many hours are the clubs on Saturdays, 6 days a week with restrictions on her time is a lot and £150 isn't.

Why not have a video call with the man to put your mind at rest.

Definitely risky.

Ok, it's not ALL men. And he might not be a predator and he could easily be a decent guy.

However, of the Nannies/Au Pairs I know, and have known over the years...

1. Nanny became involved with the husband, which then ended the marriage. She was with him for several years until they then employed an au pair and he did the exact same thing.

1. Nanny became wife and wife became ex wife. They now have 2 more kids.

1. My friend applied for a Nanny job with a family, was offered job starting with holiday abroad but couldn't start immediately due to existing job. Was talking to another nanny friend about it... other nanny friend applied for job and the family chose her instead... a few months later nanny friend was in a relationship with the father.

So if all of these scenarios can happen with two parent families I can see why you're concerned.

But again, this man could be totally fine.

Think about talking to your daughter about how to brush off any unwanted advances. My daughter also did a self defence class at that age when she was in uni away from home.