I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

I worked for an Au Pair Agency for a couple of years. Trust me when I say of all the placements we had the single dads were the ones that were mainly trouble free.

However as your DD is coming as a German au pair her ability to place will be easier than that of a French girl. She will get her pick of placements.

If she’s comfortable going there then let her go

As an FYI I only ever had to move one girl because the dad was a bit of a creep. He was married with three kids and his wife was in the next room when he was trying to feel up the 19 year old

£1,000 a month in pocket money?!
The au pair scheme fits a very specific legal position - the financial contribution is seen as pocket money, paying any more than the scheme recommended amounts means the host and/or au pair may have to pay TAX and NI.

Au pair sole care of a baby under 2 years old wasn't allowed a few years back. Has this changed now?

Will her studies be all online? Will she get to spend any time with other students? I’d want my DD to be out and about with other people her age as well as living in a family set up.
£150 per week sounds very cheap.

The child is 7 according to 1st post.

Why would that matter - the child is 7?

Oh god. I should have my glasses on. Sorry.

🙄 he’s probably just an overstretched dad - you wouldn’t say this about a mum. What do you think he will do to her?

I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

This is daft. SW London is a large and varied area, lots of which is known as Nappy Valley because of its popularity with young families.

Yes, there are challenging areas but families living there tend not to employ au pairs.

A friend of mine is a single dad. Professional job. Had an au pair for a couple of years. Worked really well and he’s a decent guy so YABU.

I remember him telling me he felt ancient after sitting her down and saying, I’m now going to say what I think your father would say if he were here ….. as she teetered on the edge of a relationship with a really dodgy guy with a bad rep locally.

Not all men are bad.

All us Au Pairs had a blast. Fake ID (we were 18 in America) got us into most places and we all travelled together. Best 2 years traveling around America ever.

This wouldn't have bothered me when my daughter was looking for a placement. What did bother me was a gay couple who said the Au Pair needed to be on time doing her job - long hours, but then not to be seen at any other times! Yeah, don't think so.

Difficult one OP: obviously nonsense (creepiness, overstepping boundaries etc) are possible in any home set up and a wife can be no protection! But I can see why you are anxious. Has he provided any kind of guidance on the house set up, I.e. will she have her own floor of the house/ en-suite etc? I would be looking for evidence of clear boundaries.

Will she be going as part of an agency? They often have emergency numbers, regular check ins, meet ups and a WhatsApp group with other au pairs in the city.

Pay looks low, how many hours? I employ a an au pair in London on 30h p.w plus the benefits you outline above (no gym) and pay £300 p.w

PM me of you want agency details or to chat.

Working through an agency reduces the risk a lot. If he hits on her and she tells the agency they’ll pull her out of there and potentially blacklist him (i.e. refuse to place another au pair with him). He’s less likely to risk hitting on the au pair knowing this is the case. It doesn’t totally eliminate the possibility obviously.

There is no reason to think he is a predator. What difference would it make if there was a woman in the house anyway? She wouldn't be there every single minute of the time "protecting" your daughter. I would have thought the 7 year old child would be more effective.

I don't have a dd but I absolutely understand your concern. I also have a very strong feeling that all the posters bashing you would feel very differently if it was their dd! I don't think it's discriminatory at all, it's a very natural worry for a mum.

But it is obviously true that any family situation comes with a risk. I think all you can do is make sure she is clued up about the risks and knows how to cope with various situations that she could find herself in (but hopefully not). The same is true for any other family situation.

She would have the top floor attic room with an en-suite, no other rooms on that floor, the next floor down is where the child would be and the floor below that the father.

Apparently the school run only takes 30 min to get there and back, estimated around 18
hours per week as it is a lot of picking up and dropping off.
He would still pay her for weeks where she wasn’t technically working such as 2 weeks in April, 2 weeks over Christmas.
Baby sitting paid extra. DD thinks it’s a pretty good deal.

Yes it is an agency.

I don't understand why anyone would pay £1000/month to an au pair in London plus paying for accommodation, food, gym, travel etc when you could get a live out after school nanny from Koru Kids for £16/hr all in and not have to have someone live with you.

I mean maybe if you live in a rural area and there are limited other childcare options but in London that seems like a really odd decision

I’d have thought the opposite, actually - a single man with a babysitter can go out and pursue any woman he likes. He doesn’t need to perve on the au pair because she’s there and he doesn’t have any other opportunity.

I know it sounds bad in a remote 'strange man' way but I imagine any man who has stepped up as a single parent is unlikely to be a creep like you are fearing. He's not hiring in a dodgy gumtree kind of a way but through a respectable agency who likely have support services for the au pairs as well. I think it could be a nicer environment than one with a mum involved who might be a bit more critical - not all women can be tough bosses of course but the couple of mental health inducing bad bosses I have had in my career have been women.

There would need to be video calls etc. to see if you are comfortable but I wouldn't discount him just because he's male. If I passed away and my lovely wouldn't hurt a fly husband had to get additional help I'd hate to think of anyone thinking of him in that way.

@Cyanbadmintonplayer it is a good deal. One child in school!

I had 3 children and shared their bathroom.

My DC have the 3rd floor and their own bathrooms we never see them or their mates.

I would show support and make sure your DD knows she can come back in an instant if she doesn’t like it.

What would happen if you said no?

I encouraged my DC to do Camp America (their father did this) or Au Pair in America but they are not interested they are not me or their father.

18 year olds are adults we have to let them make their own decisions with our support and guidance.

The law changed in April when the live in worker exemption was removed. They now have to be paid minimum wage (which I think she will be here depending on hours worked but worth checking).

On the basis of your updates OP I would say she should go for it. It will probably be lovely for the 7 year old daughter also. There are some really nice fancy parts of south London and it is no more dangerous than anywhere else.

Just in reply to a few other posters:

• Au pairs do not ‘have’ to study, they can fill their non working time as they please.
• The whole ‘pocket money’ thing is no longer legal. It used to be, but no more. You have to pay NMW and then can deduct what HRMC defines as reasonable for bed and board. This is defined nationally , not what the daily considers their bed and board is rather. However for 18 hours the OP’s daughter sounds like she is in line with this
• I have used Koru and they are excellent but I chose an au pair now because the nature of my work means relatively frequent nights away/ call outs at odd times. Therefore better to have a known person in the house. My DS also has additional learning needs and benefits from 30 mins quiet homework time with our au pair every morning - almost impossible to get a Koru person to do that and then return for the school run. All or any of these couple apply to the OP’s single dad

@EastEndQueen I do understand when someone is working nights that live in childcare is important but the OP doesn't list overnight care at all as a duty so I don't think it is that. And the hours are fairly light overall.

For heaven's sake don't set up a video call with him as suggested upthread . He's employing her through an agency. He has no professional relationship with you.