I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

and Yes I think a woman living alone with a middle aged man is riskier than if the mother was present

This. I would be unhappy about it too.

It’s factual that a majority of men do not…

You can’t just live your life avoiding men…

You can spend your life avoiding high risk situations and mitigating risks though.

This.

Go with your gut feeling. I'm not against men but wouldn't want my daughter living with a single older man like you said.

There must be other jobs out there and also the pay seems low. She will be vulnerable overnight especially and to be fair wouldn't want my daughter living with anyone else except friends or a boyfriend as I know older seemingly nice men in a different light unfortunately and you can't tell by a quick chat on FaceTime 🙂

My concerns with the Clapham area are the only two times I’ve heard about it in the last 5 years were following the Sarah Everard attack and around the time of the acid attack this year. I don’t think I’ve heard of any similar crimes in areas I’d define as safe in London such as Richmond/Kew, Hampstead, Wimbledon etc.

I get what you are saying OP. But as long as you have taught your daughter basic safety skills then it’s fine, such as - No one should be walking down dimly lit streets late at night, or through a park when it’s dark, or be the only person in a tube carriage with someone dodgy at the end quieter ends of a line, be mindful to protect yourself from drink spiking, if going to a stranger’s house go with a friend or at the very least let someone known where you are…all these are even more important for a woman, sadly.

I actually think living in a perceived safe area can make people take more risks.

No more dangerous than anywhere else? LONDON?!?! You besides the almost daily stabbings and/or shootings?

I live in a semi-rural area up north and I can assure you even the big cities up here are nothing like that. Not in the slightest.

He’s a widower. I can’t believe so many people are assuming he’s going to assault this DD. He’s just lost his wife. It’s tragic.

That's the thing, though. We're not just talking about criminal acts. We're also talking about age-old abuse of power.

I'm not sure it is a large majority (or even a majority at all) of single men who wouldn't try it on with a pretty young au pair who was living with them.

Many, many men are sleazy. If you're not aware of this, I'm pleased you've managed to keep the wool pulled over your eyes. Hopefully you have some lovely men in your life. They're not the majority IME.

It's not just about assault, it's also about a potential relationship.

That his wife has died says nothing at all about his character, it makes him no more or less of a risk.

@mycatisanarcissist do you have much experience with men?

Yes, a reasonable amount. I’m 60. I was regularly interfered with/raped then buggered by my father and brother.

When I became an adult, I cut them off.l, because my gut told me that it wasn’t right.

The men I have known in my adult life have been nothing but respectful, because I would tolerate nothing else.

Of course, li can only speak for myself.

The man has lost his wife and is now bringing up his daughter alone. It sounds like he needs help so that he can work yet you don’t think he should be able to get it. What do you want him to do?

No but probably makes him more in need of help of an au pair. Yet as a single dad you think this is an option that shouldn’t be available to him.

I hate the thought that if I died and my husband had to bring up our children alone, he wouldn’t be able to hire an au pair due to people thinking he may be a sexual predator.

Why are you centering the potential downsides for the man, but not the young woman's?

Which is the worst potential outcome for each?

worst possible outcomes for both is very severe but you can’t plan your whole life around the worst possible outcomes.
yes it is important for women (and men) to be on alert but women can’t live their life avoiding ever being alone with a man.

So let’s not help any widowed man ever again for fear he may sexually assault the au pair?

What should he do?

Give up work?

Hire a young man? Then his daughter is at risk by the same argument.

i also feel sad to think my DH couldn’t get any help. He’s not like that and never would be. He’s not interested in young women. He’s not a fool.

This man will find someone though, thankfully because not all men are creeps and not every woman suspects abuse. And some young lady will have a great time with good pay.

That's why I never said that!

He needs to find childcare that doesn’t involve a young woman living with him. Eg a childminder or older live out babysitter.

It doesn’t say we should trust all men, there’s a fundamental difference between being wary and not trusting anyone. The post you’re replying to is 100% correct that assuming any male can’t be trusted is damaging.

Hang on, I have 3 children and they’ve used a lot of childcare and holiday care and nannies too. I have managed 9 years of this without ever having a teenaged woman living with me, so I am sure he can too without any dramatic ‘so he can never ever have any help?!!’

Based on what he wants the au pair to do he needs help with a lot of drop off/collections which won’t work with a childminder. Yes he could get a live out nanny/babysitter but that will be more expensive. Why should a type of childcare only be available to single women and not single men, talk about discrimination.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 though yes of course it is a shame he is in this situation unfortunately it is a bigger risk for a young girl to be staying with a single father and i think most mothers would be nervous about the living situation.

It’s also an emotional situation of which that the DD would be best to steer clear. Not for her safety, just because it’s a lot to ask her to be there as support for a recently bereaved child and father. She is young and should be in a job that is relatively stress-free. I’m surprised more people aren’t pointing this out.

@brunettemic
So the OP is not unreasonable to be wary, right?
Why choose the most "wary" option when there will be other opportunities?

And I can assure you that starting off with a gift of unearned trust causes untold amount more damage to children and teens.