I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

If she got a job somewhere else she might also need to work with a man. I've seen them on buses and in shops. They drive taxis, they can be builders or doctors, they are everywhere!

Aren’t all au pairs live in?

Omg poor bloke - his wife might have just died or something and him and his daughter need some help!!!

I wouldn't like it either.

Teenage girls don't have enough life experience to detect, defend and deal with unwanted attention. In particular, they do not possess the clarity to decide if the attention is benign or sexual.

And to the "don't bash us poor men" apologists: teenage girls in the UK can't even walk down the street to and from school without being approached by men for sexual attention. So no, the OP is wise to be cautious about the risk.

Does your DD have similar plans? Language school may not be an option for her but she should look into university, volunteering etc. A social network and friends are necessary for a good au-pair experience (imo).

I somehow missed that she´ll be doing open uni. But isn´t that mostly distance education? That isn´t a good idea in my personal opinion.

@Cyanbadmintonplayer
Would your daughter be the first au pair for this child? As the child is a bit older chances are they had au pairs before. So from my experience any possible new au pair could get in touch with previous once, if they wish to get more clarity on how it is to work/live for/with that family. This way your daughter could figure out 1) if she would actually only be working 18hours and 2) how the father treated previous au pairs

Why are people pretending OP is sexist and making daft comments like, ‘you wouldn’t say this if it was a Mum?’

Is it more likely it will be fine than not? Yes. Is it also vastly more likely she will get hit on than if it was a single Mum, also yes.

Saying ‘it’s the married ones you need to watch!’ Is not comforting, it just shows men do prey on Au pairs in this situation. And this Father doesn’t even have to worry about his wife’s wrath. Single Fathers are not going to be a subset of the real nice men: they will be just as much a mix of sleaze and nice as the married ones.

My mid 50s brother told me his similarly aged mate with an 18 year old daughter held a party at his house recently. He was really angry that one of his middle aged mates was openly hitting on one of his daughter’s friends. My brother’s honest response was, ‘Of course men my age are sexually attracted to girls that age. It’s just about knowing what the boundaries are’. And we all know some men don’t know, or perhaps care, where the boundaries are. I certainly have known men who would definitely try it on in the situation your daughter is going into. I have a male friend whose mate called out the name of the young Ukrainian refugee woman who was living in his house, whilst he was having sex with his wife!

It’s quite disconcerting to have so many women determined to prioritize not ‘discriminating’ against men over basic and reality based concerns for young women.

OP’s concern is not some equal opps for men agenda, but the safety of her daughter. And this is a situation of increased risk, not certain risk at all, but increased. OP, if she goes make sure she can lock her room, check for cameras and that she has a solid plan of what she will do if she starts to feel uncomfortable or if he does start to hit on her. She will feel more confident to act if she has thought this through beforehand. You may want to chat with her about what sort of situations could feel uncomfortable.

No apparently they have had au pairs since the child was 3, however she will be first au pair since the death of the mother. DD has the contacts for the last 2 but hasnt tried to reach out yet.

I’m surprised the agency would recommend your daughter in such a circumstance. I would imagine an older more experienced. Person would be more appropriate but all the best for your daughter whatever ever she decides.

If my son was widowed and left a single parent I'd hope people wouldn't look on him as some sort of creep.

He's a single dad. So yes, I'd say he's well used to doing breakfast and is making a good stab at learning how to do a little girl's hair. It might be just brushed and a ponytail.

The man and his child have been through a lot. Thank God your daughter has more sense and compassion than you. I wish her well in her role and hope it brings her fabulous experiences and opportunities.

Great she has contacts of previous au pairs. Time to contact them. Like right now.

A friend au paired during uni and after for a several families. She said her time with a single dad was the best. Her other were all couples and two of the women were absolute bullies and treated her like a slave.

It appears your daughter is quite practical and you have good communication. Like in any new job perhaps she can just give it a go and respond if anything does arise.

Stop trying to pretend you don’t understand the risk is different as she is living and sleeping 24/7 in his house.

Your daughter is an adult, she can make her own decisions. Why do you think she would be interested in his advances even if there were any? Why do you think he’d be interested in a 19 year old au pair, he’s hiring her to do a job, you would have to assume they will both act professionally like in any other role. If there ends up being any concerns, can she contact the agency for support? I’m sure she can. I nannyed for single parents before and I never felt uncomfortable.

Based on your attitudes, I think a big thing for your daughter to watch out for is that she doesn't rush in to do things out of her hours because she thinks he can't handle it.

She needs to start as she means to go on, so if he is meant to do breakfast and getting the daughter ready, she needs to leave him to it.

OP’s daughter is an adult, it would be frankly weird for OP to do this.

Fred and Rose West, Ian Brady and Myra Hindley. A woman being present is no guarantee you are safe.

YANBU - I wouldn't like it either.

Only on MN do people say 'not your business, she's an adult' when referring to an 18/19 year old!

Hit the nail on the head

I’ve just read your update. The man is a widower. More likely than not, this family has been through the hell of someone with a terminal illness and now he’s trying to muddle through as a single parent to his daughter. I doubt his motive for getting the help is to cop off with a teenage girl. There’s a housekeeper and the child is at school. So your DD really will be in the role that’s being sold to her - as another adult trying to help out. Sounds much better than the way the only other au pair I know was treated: effectively left in sole charge of a three year old and a baby all week and paid a total pittance.

I know it’s natural to worry about your kids, but your DD is an adult. If this is what she wants to do, then it sounds like a perfectly legitimate and reasonable opportunity for her.

Because of past experiences. Come on, we've all had them from sleazy men. Read some of the experiences on the thread.

Jesus. What a narrow-minded view of life. You clearly missed the bit where OP said he's a widower and the mum died when the child was three. That's only four years ago. He's likely got greater concerns than trying it on with the au pair.

He is a widower are you suggesting he is somehow responsible for his wife's death? I know perfectly nice men and women who have lost their partner to an early death, didn't make them dodgy in any way.

I think the money sounds poor for that role.

As a young(ish) attractive woman, I've been disappointed over and over by men I've worked with. Every job I've ever been in, I've had someone senior hit on me.

It's great that you haven't had the same experiences as me, but don't invalidate what I have experienced and learned, not just from one experience but many over the years. I don't care if you find that narrow-minded. It is what it is.

There's some possibility this is a good man who isn't going to try anything with OP's daughter but it's also naive not to consider the possibility.