I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

This.
And it's not up to you as you daughter is an adult.

Does being a widower make him the most wary option?

Pretty much. I can barely imagine a more risky situation for a 19 year old girl than being sent to live abroad with an unrelated single male. The fact that food and roof over one's head is also dependent on him, makes matters even more complicated.

I'm 38 and I wouldn't go willingly!

@QueenCamilla I disagree, I don't believe that being made a widower means you are more "wary".

If he was the sort of person that would act inappropriately then that would be his nature surely and being single v married probably wouldn’t make a difference.
Being a widower doesn’t suddenly make him more risky. Probably makes him more in need of help and less likely to want to do anything to jeopardise that help.

@Blarneytalk The man didn't choose this for himself - being a lone parent. It just adds to the volatility of the situation.
Either he's single, divorced or widowed - someone would have to subdue me to get me on that plane.
But no worries, I'm sure he'll find a suitable teen quickly enough. The young do all sorts of stupid after all - I used to hitchhike.

What rules are you talking about?!

having worked as an au pair i can 100% tell you these rules do not exist. i worked as an au pair for a full year and was able to do so even though i am fluent in english. looking back i should probably have tried to get a job as a nanny seeing as i spoke english fluently but being young and lacking confidence i have now i was worried about so much responsibility and just wanted a guaranteed job in the UK i could do for a year until i could get myself settled finding another job and place to live independently.

I don't understand the need to be subdued to get on a plane?

What's that all about?

You are talking like the man is more likely to be a threat because he is widowed, I don't believe he is.

I don't think being widowed changes you from a decent person to a predator. Having had two cousins (unluckily), whose wives both happened to develop breast cancer during pregnancy and then both pass away when their children were very young. Both remained the decent fathers and men they always were.

@Blarneytalk while it is very sad for this father and for your cousins there is no way to tell if a man or person you don’t know is a decent person. A young girl being on her own with any man is a risky situation that is why it is seen as risky for a young girl to au pair for a man she does not know. there is no way for her to tell if he is a safe man or not. having an extra adult female would at least have mitigated the risks even if not completely diminished them.

I wouldn’t like it either. I’ve represented accused at police interviews and heard all sorts so always err on the side of caution.

I don't agree, if a man is predatory he will be even with another woman is present.

Their partner having died will not chance them.

When a child is brought up bilingual it changes their brain structure to make them more receptive to learning a third language. The father is obviously aiming to capitalise on that to get the daughter speaking German too. That's amazing for the child to have the opportunity to communicate in 3 languages.

On the other hand, the child has been brought up to date in an OPOL (one parent one language) setup. One of those parents has sadly died, so she no longer has the daily exposure to the second language and no doubt this will be sort of the grief that she has to work through. It seems crazy to be continuing with some sort of third language-learning experiment in these tragic circumstances. You’d think the child might find more comfort/consistency with an au pair who spoke her mother’s language.

It's not some sort of wild experiment for the child to have exposure to the third language. If the mother spoke English (which seems likely considering the child lives in London) then she will still be having plenty of exposure to English. I'm pretty sure the father knows a bit more about what his child needs than some random who thinks bereaved children can't learn another language...

I am no more random to this family than you are…and I did not say that I did not think a bereaved child COULD learn a third language. I questioned whether it was really best for them in all the circumstances.

Looking back over the OP’s posts it does indeed seem from the comment that “the Dad only speaks to the child in his native language, which can feel exclusionary at times” that the late mother was the English speaker. And that the au pairs are told “reply in German even if [child] speaks English.” So we know the child already preferred to speak English and was having to be coerced into speaking German. She is now losing the comfort of speaking English at home (I don’t buy that hearing it at school is an adequate substitute). Sounds like this man does not have his priorities straight. OP’s daughter best off out of it I reckon.

Maybe the mother was German speaking or English speaking (the girl will be exposed at school and you are supposed to have an au pair who speaks a different language)

QueenCamilla · 07/06/2024 22:44
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Pretty much. I can barely imagine a more risky situation for a 19 year old girl than being sent to live abroad with an unrelated single male. The fact that food and roof over one's head is also dependent on him, makes matters even more complicated.

Unless I’m massively mistaken. it’s a 19 year old English girl working for a widowed father - who is probably still bereft at the loss of his young wife/mother of his child - of a 7 year year old girl in Clapham Common?

Not great pay at all.

It's an au pair job. You live as a family member and help out in exchange for a small amount of pocket money. It's a cultural exchange, not a job.

Sometimes people just die but we don't know the full history here. There are incompatible couples out there that stress each other out to the point they're having nervous breakdowns and ruptured brain aneurysms. When we try to keep our kids safe from a potential red flag situation, we have to start with worst case scenario. You prepare for the worst rather than assume all will be dandy and you fall flat on your face.

Self defence classes are great but sometimes you need more. You need psychological self-defense. At 19 you fall prey to a lot of this kind of thing. Surely this guy has sisters, cousins or a family friend in this industry. Sometimes single men advertise for a nanny purely to find their next fling. They probably dont have much luck dating in the real world and having kids can seem unappealing. A nanny brings along a woman who is already willing to take care of kids...

Sometimes people just die but we don't know the full history here. There are incompatible couples out there that stress each other out to the point they're having nervous breakdowns and ruptured aneurysms “

Have I actually just read that? Jesus Christ.