Page 9 | Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

Needsomebloodyperspective · 05/06/2024 21:50

I haven’t read the full thread, he is love bombing you but letting little bits of his character slip through.

Once abusive always abusive, the persona will crack soon enough. By that time he would have probably managed to isolate you and make you think it’s your fault.

i speak from experience. Run for the fucking hills.

rainbowsparkle28 · 05/06/2024 21:52

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This.

6pence · 05/06/2024 21:56

Perhaps so far you’ve been happy to do things his way because you are laid back? You want to make him happy? You are keen to be praised?

Have you ever actually insisted on something you want, or want to do? If so what was his reactions?

If you haven’t, then you need to disagree with him, and test his response. Not just once, but several times.

And don’t forget the nice guy act is often kept up till marriage and babies, so even testing him now might not reveal the true him. As pp said he was nice enough to his exes, to reel them in, to begin with.

Chaiilatte · 05/06/2024 22:00

"He has never been abusive towards me" so how does he act when "he is disobeyed?"

Infinity234 · 05/06/2024 22:01

Do you have children?

katseyes7 · 05/06/2024 22:02

My ex husband was like that, OP.
Never laid a hand on me (besides sexually, but that didn't make marks that people could see) but for eleven years l was abused psychologically.
He'd keep me awake until 3am when l had to be up at 5 for an early shift (but when l came home after midnight after a late shift, he'd be in bed fast asleep), was disparaging and demeaning towards me, including in front of my friends, threatened to hurt/kill our dogs, threatened to kill me and anyone he found out l was seeing (I wasn't) then or any time in the future.
He came out with stuff like 'well my dad didn't want her (his mam) to do XX and she abided by his wishes...." (this was in the 90s!) and made 'jokes'referring to me as 'a chattel'. I had a professional job. I always earned more than he did.
He's now remarried. I really wish l knew if he was the same with her. I've never met her, but l would in an ideal world l'd have liked to have spoken to her before they got married. I doubt l'd have been thanked, I don't know how l'd have reacted if someone had spoken to me before l married him, but you never know.

Honestly, OP, if your partner 'likes having things his way' and uses words like 'disobey' that'd be raising huge red flags for me. Please be careful.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 05/06/2024 22:03

RedHelenB · 05/06/2024 15:23

Anyone using the word disobey would worry me in this day and age tbh.

This! Who does he think he is?

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/06/2024 22:33

Forget walking away
Forget running away
Charter a fucking jumbo jet and FLY as far away from this arsehole as possible.

Sasqwatch · 05/06/2024 22:34

purplecorkheart · 05/06/2024 15:26

He doesn't like to be disobeyed, that alone would have me running a mile away and that is before his exs comments.

Run for the hills

This

Run as fast as you can.

PrettyFox · 05/06/2024 22:53

A few years ago a guy that was an acquaintance (several mutual friends) was accused by his partner of being abusive (emotionally and physically). She went ahead with charges. I didn’t know him well to have an opinion but people closer to him thought it was retaliation because he wanted to end the relationship. Successful, charming, popular guy. Long story short, he had been abusive in past relationships and all came to light later on.

Where there is smoke, there is fire…

SamW98 · 05/06/2024 23:02

PrettyFox · 05/06/2024 22:53

A few years ago a guy that was an acquaintance (several mutual friends) was accused by his partner of being abusive (emotionally and physically). She went ahead with charges. I didn’t know him well to have an opinion but people closer to him thought it was retaliation because he wanted to end the relationship. Successful, charming, popular guy. Long story short, he had been abusive in past relationships and all came to light later on.

Where there is smoke, there is fire…

Agree. I knew a guy who was a life and soul friendly chatty man who was as really popular. Did quite a lot of fundraising for childhood cancer charities.

He dated a woman that was part of the same circle and she accused him of being a narcissistic controlling abuser.

Everyone doubted her because his persona was everyone’s mate. Many thought she was vindictive because he dumped her.

Hes recently been convicted of historic sexual abuse against 6 different underage girls.

Abusers are very good at blending in and the nice guy act has been perfected over decades.

Moonpie6 · 05/06/2024 23:03

NooninJune · 05/06/2024 15:22

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Jesus christ why are you even asking this.......just run.

Blah12345678999 · 05/06/2024 23:11

Eek this happened with a friend of mine, it took a few years for the mask to properly fall, and he put it on well even with friends… Things have not turned out well, and it’s surprise after surprise because it was hard to see it all coming 😬

Blah12345678999 · 05/06/2024 23:14

6pence · 05/06/2024 21:56

Perhaps so far you’ve been happy to do things his way because you are laid back? You want to make him happy? You are keen to be praised?

Have you ever actually insisted on something you want, or want to do? If so what was his reactions?

If you haven’t, then you need to disagree with him, and test his response. Not just once, but several times.

And don’t forget the nice guy act is often kept up till marriage and babies, so even testing him now might not reveal the true him. As pp said he was nice enough to his exes, to reel them in, to begin with.

💯 this is what happened with my friend, the mask drops quickly after marriage etc because they know you’re tied down and it’s harder to leave

Mnetcurious · 05/06/2024 23:18

“Disobey” alone would have me running for the hills. On top of that you have not one but two exes saying he’s emotionally abusive. Leave him.

Onlinetherapist · 05/06/2024 23:21

@NooninJune one ‘crazy’ ex, at a push I could understand you might possibly want to give him the benefit of the doubt..but two? Two separate women have warned you about this man. And not only that, he’s confirmed it for you and removing all doubt. Decent men don’t usually have several ‘crazy’ ex’s warning the new partner about them, or make demands to be obeyed! It can be tempting to think you are special and he will be different with you. He won’t.

RogueFemale · 05/06/2024 23:45

Yes, you should be concerned and no, you shouldn't ignore it.

isthatmyage · 05/06/2024 23:47

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pentangles · 06/06/2024 00:02

the 'disobeyed' part prompts the cynic in me to think this is tabloid generated. Pages, ad views etc.

ALongHardWinter · 06/06/2024 00:29

The fact that he's used the words he doesn't like to be disobeyed would make me run a mile!

Nanaof1 · 06/06/2024 00:45

I have no idea whether you are unreasonable or not, as unsure what choice is which. If you are still with him, after he has said he doesn't like to be "disobeyed", then you need to give your head a shake and wake the hell up. That shows more red flags than a 20 race car pile up at the Daytona Speedway!

I mean, really? You have to ask? YES, his words and the words of his exes should be enough to make you get him the hell out of your life and tell him to f-off.

Nanaof1 · 06/06/2024 00:52

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How can you tell? Though, I will say that if this person is truly this clueless, she must need help matching her socks.

Why does someone make up a thread? What is the motivation? The fear of having my thread called a troll post is why I never write about my alien abduction and me giving birth to ET II. 😉

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 06/06/2024 01:00

RedHelenB · 05/06/2024 15:23

Anyone using the word disobey would worry me in this day and age tbh.

This
What the hell's that supposed to mean?!
You can't disobey him?! 🙄
Couple that with two exes saying the same things about him and now what you say he's like, you've got your answer.
He's telling you, and they're telling you.
Listen.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 06/06/2024 01:20

Listen to his ex's and take heed on what they say
I'm guessing they are telling you is dangerous and you should leave him whilst you still can
How can you accept him saying you must obey him,, or else
Make a plan to leave as quickly as possible but quietly calmly and safely..
Do not be afraid to call 999 at any time
Keep your phone on you at all times( I would keep on silent)

JFDIYOLO · 06/06/2024 01:55

Two women have given their testimony of what he did to them.

He 'doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words)'.

RUN.