Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

There is a saying that states that the mark of a man is how he behaves when you disagree with him. If he actually used the term 'disobeyed' he thinks he is the boss and your role is to do as you are told. Is that what you want? If you had a daughter that this word was used on how would you react to this new boyfriend? Run this is not normal and its no way to live.

Disobeyed? I'd run for the hills if I were you. This won't end well. He's your partner not your parent.

Based on you ‘judging from your own experience’, what have you gleaned from him being set in his ways and expecting to be obeyed?

How does not disobeying him make you feel?

Add that to the information these women have kindly shared with you, and think about why you need more evidence that he’s a wrong ‘un.

RUN!

Yes you should be concerned, not only about what his ex's said but also him not liking being disobeyed. You sound very vulnerable, I dont know any woman that wouldn't see this as a red flag. You should try and learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships and signs of abusive behaviour. Many women are killed in abusive relationships, directly and by being driven to ending their own life. Get rid of him and be careful with any future relationships.

Run away. Safely. Make sure he can’t get to you.

The idea of 'obeying' has never come up between DH and I; if it did, I'd laugh him out of it. We're equals. Neither dictates to the other.

You need to extricate yourself from this situation.

@NooninJune So.. have you ever 'disobeyed' him?

What happens if things do not go his way?
What happens if you disagree with him?
What things does he not wish to be 'disobeyed' on?

Ask yourself these things. How you feel about the answers will tell you quite a lot!

The great news is you don’t need any reason to end things with somebody but if you did, then two ex partners reporting emotional abuse and the word ‘obey’ would knock it out of the park. You could be single or with a man that doesn’t have multiple ex girlfriends reporting abuse and an obedience clause.

Even when I married thirty years ago I took obey from my vows. I'd laugh if my husband said I'd disobeyed him. Yours stating that is indicative of a bog standard abuser. He hasn't even managed to keep it hidden for a year. How many red flags are needed?

Current research by Prof Monckton-Smith shows that a history of controlling domestic abuse is the first warning of risk of domestic homicide. You should pay attention to these concerns.

The word "disobey" on its own would send me running for the hills, OP.

Run, run and then run quicker and faster.
Adults do not 'obey' each other in healthy relationships.

Perhaps he is an old fashioned twit only. Perhaps he is an abusive narcissist who will inflict huge damage to you. Don't stick around to find out which of the above it is .His exes are highly unlikely to be reflecting experiences of him being abusive for no reason.

YES, get away from him. If you are asking on here, your gut is telling you to go. GO.

Run. This relationship won't end well.

Mate it’s already started, disobey, seriously?

He doesn't like to be disobeyed? Who the hell does he think he is?

And more to the point why are you still there? This is the 21st century, not the 1950s.

Regardless of what the exes say, just dump the twat and run for the hills.

In my case, the emotional abuse only occurred occasionally in the years before we had kids and it was mostly in the form of applying intense pressure on me to do whatever he wanted. After kids, it became so much worse and he became downright nasty, harassing work colleagues too.

One year in is too early to know his full character. As he has already lost girlfriends due to the pattern of behaviour he is probably aware he has to be nicer to get someone who will stick around. Once you have a higher sunk cost to leaving the relationship such as a child, expect it to get worse. Also, aging makes this personality trait more ingrained too.

What does he say about his exes, op? Does he describe them as "crazy" or "psycho"? Or words to that effect?

Fucking hell.

Tell him to obey this 🖕🏼

First post has it. Clear sign that they’re most likely telling the truth right there, but either way, I would be running away from anyone that doesn’t like to be “disobeyed”.

Don't bother with Claire's Law in this instance. This man expects to be obeyed. That's all you need to know.

what happens when you 'disobey'? Or have you avoided 'disobeying' so far and if so why? This may give you some ideas.

On the whole - I would be concerned. Very.

A year isn't also that long. For me, abuse started after giving birth. Just a couple of weeks afters. That was several years into the relationship.

'Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?'

But your own experience of him is that
'I have noticed he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).'
How is your 'experience' of him manifesting itself? Obviously clearly enough for you to have 'noticed'.
Are you sure you are not already being abused, and adapting your behaviour to avoid the consequences of disobeying, or wanting to do things differently?