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AIBU?

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Original poster

Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

295 replies

NooninJune · 05/06/2024 15:22

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

OP posts:
samqueens · 05/06/2024 19:25

This is obviously 🚩🚩city. If you’re not already running a mile at being with someone who likes to be “obeyed” then you are either completely unaware of what the warning signs for abusive behaviour are, or you’re already being fully conditioned to accept it ie. you are already being abused, you just don’t know it yet.

This applies however well educated he is, however much money he earns, however great your friends currently think he is, however ‘respectable’ he seems etc. Abuse transcends these markers and is found at all levels of society.

Yes - take what you have heard seriously. In any case take HIS behaviour seriously. When he wants things his own way, or says he wants to be obeyed (in bed or in any other context) understand that he is showing you who he is and it is just the tip of the iceberg.

Read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? privately and as a matter of urgency to educate yourself about the behaviour and warnings signs the ex’s are referring to. Ideally dump immediately, but certainly don’t move in together and don’t get pregnant.

Marblessolveeverything · 05/06/2024 19:28

@NooninJune why on earth does he believe you need to obey him? You are not his subservent you are his equal. Get out safely, please.

ObliviousCoalmine · 05/06/2024 19:31

How much more evidence are you waiting for?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/06/2024 19:34

RedHelenB · 05/06/2024 15:23

Anyone using the word disobey would worry me in this day and age tbh.

This.

Yes, I'd be worried. I'd also be dumping him.

SquirrelSoShiny · 05/06/2024 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This to be honest.

When people tell you who they are, listen! If other people then confirm it - listen harder!

CountryMumof4 · 05/06/2024 19:43

One of those instances would be enough for me to walk. Both together and I'd be running away as fast as I could. Please think of your safety and future mental health.

I'm also slightly concerned that you haven't returned to your thread, given it's apparent he has a controlling nature.

feelingalittlehorse · 05/06/2024 19:48

’Disobeyed’

That would have me out that door faster than Linford Christie 👋

WhenTheMoonShines · 05/06/2024 20:00

I really hope on threads like these that the OP hasn’t come from a seriously neglectful or abusive childhood, but it’s the only reason I can see that an adult wouldn’t understand how toxic her relationship already sounds.

The man you’re in a relationship isn’t your father. You are not a child. You should not be obeying anyone you’re in a romantic relationship with.

Bobbotgegrinch · 05/06/2024 20:01

Ignore the exes for a moment, why the fuck were you not running the moment he said he didn't like being disobeyed?

sandorschicken · 05/06/2024 20:05

I don't use the word 'disobey' with my 12 year old son and I definitely don't use it with my husband.

Sauvblanctime · 05/06/2024 20:06

red flag. Run for the hills

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/06/2024 20:12

Please believe them. There will be more. Why on earth would two women try to get involved - it's not because he's such a good guy that they want him to be single so they can get him back.

You probably think he's a great guy because he love bombed you - have a look at this article. www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-abuse-cycle-stages-impact-and-coping-6363187#:~:text=The%20narcissistic%20abuse%20cycle%20starts,the%20signs%20it%20is%20happening.

If you don't believe them then please go to counseling to unpick how safe this relationship really is. And please don't get pregnant at least for 2-3 years until you really know him. Or you'll end up like me (see my username)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/06/2024 20:13

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2024 15:34

Fuck me, I’d be doing a Clare’s Law search ASAP.

Good idea, but if he comes back 'clean record' op, all it means is that he wasn't reported to the police. I had an ex like this and I didn't report to police- doesn't mean he's innocent op.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/06/2024 20:14

GerbilsForever24 · 05/06/2024 16:04

OP, nicely, the fact that you don't get immediate ICK when a man tells you that he doesn't like to be disobeyed is a very clear sign that this man targets women who will take his shit. You say that except for the disobey comment, you haven't noticed anything. I say that you haven't noticed anything because you are clearly someonw who has poor boundaries.

I bet there are a milliion examples already. Do you feel self conscious physically - because sometimes he doesn't like your ooutfit and tells you or you think he has better taste than you or he's suggested you lose weight/have botox etc? Have you found that you are so busy being loved by him your social life has dwindled - do you see your friends and family less often or have you found that you are questioning their motives because he's pointed things out to you? Are you ever finding yourself rushing to tidy up/ change your clothes/ finish a task because he's on his way over and you know he likes it that way. Does he tell you it's because he's a perfectionist and he wants to help you? If you've ever had an argument, how did it play out? Did you have to apologise first? Did he disappear for a few days? Does he sometimes act in ways you find uncomfortable but tell you it's because he likes you so much/has never felt this way before etc etc?

THIS - listen op

EdithStourton · 05/06/2024 20:16

He's hanging out the red flag bunting for you, OP.

I'd not be waiting to see if he hangs out any more.

kkloo · 05/06/2024 20:23

Of course you should be concerned.
2 exes said he was abusive and he's literally told you himself that he doesn't like to be disobeyed which is the standard mindset of an abuser.

cherish123 · 05/06/2024 20:27

YANBU
I'm wouldn't go out with him.

Toooldforthis36 · 05/06/2024 20:28

Disobeyed? Feck that.

Who does he think should obey him exactly?

bonzaitree · 05/06/2024 20:34

Run!

DarkHollowTree · 05/06/2024 20:37

Run! Don't walk.

Catnipcupcakes · 05/06/2024 20:37

If my husband used the word ‘disobey’ in any context I’d be out of here.

Sorry OP. He’s an abuser, no question.

You’ve been warned by TWO of his ex’s, leave while you still can.

zeibesaffron · 05/06/2024 20:47

Run as fast as you can away from this total twat - and NEVER look back!!

He wants to be obeyed - and you think thats normal, reasonable and okay?? Because it isn’t. These 2 women have no reason to lie!

It will get worse his behaviour will escalate! Leave!!

Suncream123 · 05/06/2024 20:52

I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

and two exes saying he's controlling?

how many more red flags do you need @NooninJune ? Run.

SheSaidHummingbird · 05/06/2024 20:53

Think you know the answer to this one.

HRTQueen · 05/06/2024 20:54

Yes I absolutely would

He is working on you already

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