Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Just a little context. Got in touch with an old friend. She had a partner and thought the sun shone out of his arse. She didn't have a bad word to say about him.

They shared an email address. I know some people do this, but I felt, and do feel, that it was creepy.

Then she 'ghosted' me and We lot touch for 20 years. We reconnected again. My friend told me she had eventually been gaslit by this guy for nine years but she eventually broke away. This how i came to be 'ghosted.' I'm sure this kind of story would resonate with many women on this site.

Your story sounds like your partner has learned to tone it down a little bit, but the hard and nasty truth is still lurks, betrayed by the word 'obey' and 'does things his way.' Please note the other comments in this thread and get your escape plan ready.

This is a red flag alone never mind the two exs saying the same thing

If one of your friends asked you your question what would you reply?

Troll, I think.

OP?

Hi I'm still here. I have not made it through all the posts yet but thank you all for posting. We do not live together therefore I am not likely to be in any "danger" or plan an escape?? As some posts mentioned.
And this is not a troll thread. You can confirm with MN.

Try not to trip over the gigantic red flag!!!

Have you previously been in an abusive (or otherwise toxic) relationship?

although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words). and that is not enough for you?? And as a pp said: What happens if you do "disobey" him? Have you ever tried?

Wow! In one sentence I can work out that there are issues! One ex is bad enough, but for two is a massive red flag. Run and run quickly!

You don't have to live together to be in danger. Listen to women who have experienced this. It's a warning. A forecast of what your future will hold.

I was warned about my ex by his own mother and I still didn't listen because I was an idiot.
I suffered years of abuse and feared for my life a few times.
Don't be an idiot like me.

You don't get it. You just don't get it! It's gradual. It's so so gradual you don't see it happening. Having your own home doesn't protect you from the psychological manipulation. It doesn't protect you from the subtle, yet always increasing, coercive control. You're already ignoring his use of the word "obeyed" and explaining why that won't be an issue for you. You're already on that slippery slope. You've already okayed his need to be obeyed because he's usually lovely with you. THIS IS HOW IT STARTS.

Not living together makes no difference at all. In fact he’s more likely to be on his best behaviour until he gets his feee under your table.

i guarantee his exes thought the same as you do at the start.

The minute he used the word disobey was the time to run like the wind. No one who isn’t a controlling abuser would want to insist on being obeyed

Be VERY concerned.
Likes to be obeyed?! Fuck that. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yes yabu to ignore this - TWO of his exes have said he was psychologically or emotionally abusive. No doubt he will tell you they were crazy or unwell or didn’t didn’t act in the right way. Him telling you he dislikes being disobeyed is enough evidence you need that he hasn’t changed. You must be having doubts or you wouldn’t have posted. I wouldn’t carry on a relationship with this man

The fact you don't live together is good, but it doesn't protect you
Stalking, harassment are covert ways of abuse and violent behaviour can happen anywhere( several cases have recently been in the media)
Those ex's can't both be wrong
There are steps you can take if things escalate( used to be a restraining order)
You may not see his behaviour as concerning but those who have been there( including myself.. broken shoulder) do.

I’ve just watched a series called Red Flag on W which is about women who either ignored the warning signs or were gradually coerced - it’s horrific to see what happened to these poor women just because they didn’t heed to red flags being waved.

Honestly, OP, as PP have said, it starts gradually.

My father began by charming my DM. He outlined what a wonderful fellow he was, what great prospects he had, slowly sucked her in. Then he starting letting a few skeletons out of the cupboard, and tugging on her heart strings to get her to accept them. Then, seeing he could do that, he began to control her and chipped away at her self-confidence. He controlled the family finances - not obviously, he was too devious for that. He knocked me about a few times as a way of getting my mother to make me behave the way he wanted ('Don't make Daddy cross...')

Please don't do what she did. Have a read of Lundy Bancroft, and you should see just how insidious these men can be.

Yes.

Apologies for thinking you might be a troll,OP. Sometimes trolls just post something and sit back and enjoy and we don’t hear from them again.

Glad you’re ok though but don’t stay with a man who wants obedience from a woman. He will get worse.

Try disobeying him and you might see his other side.

I have asked him and he has just laughed about it. I don't think it is as serious as it sounds.

Of course he laughed about it, he's not going to admit 'oh yeah I did do xyz'

Oh that's alright then.