3yo sent toilet on his own in preschool and he had an accident

[Lockdownmama2021]

My 3yo is potty trained, he has very rarely had accidents with wee and has never ever done a no2 in pants. He started preschool in April, prior to this he was at home with me. And even when he’s watching his fav movie he will tell me when he needs the toilet. Today he told a teacher he needs to go they sent him to the toilets on his own. And when they went to check he was standing there and he had pooped in his pants - when the teacher realised and took his pants down he then did wee which he was clearly holding in. Now I’m so shocked. He has never done that and they were trying to play it down but when I asked why no one went with him they said they usually do but were busy and some of their older kids can go independently and since he knows what to do they thought he can. I mean I feel like the teacher was downplaying their negligence, to me he’s just started preschool he never goes toilet alone at home I always go with him and guide him. I’m just getting a really uneasy feeling about his preschool as well I feel like my boy is very intimidated there and not his happy confident self and since going he’s become timid and quiet. I don’t know if I’m being overprotective or babying him too much. But sending a new kid to the toilets on his own is not right imo. Aibu?

It sounds like the main issue was that the op dressed her son in trousers that were difficult to unbutton rather than something sensible like tracksuit bottoms

You don’t trust the nursery. You don’t want to listen to any opinion that doesn’t agree with you. So take him out, why bother posting at all?

Both my children went to the toilet alone at nursery from the moment they entered the preschool room. In both cases it was before they turned 3 (even though they attended different nurseries). If they were going for poo and needed help wiping, they told the teacher this was the case and the teacher came along to help them a few minutes later.

The toilet part is entirely normal in my experience but if you’re not happy with it, take him out. You don’t need permission from other posters to do so

Right. They seem to miss this bit. The way it has been - they go with him, he has never been alone in that place so even if he went alone at home, since he’s gone to preschool he’s been accompanied.

all these nursery and preschool teachers are triggered for some reason.

Thank you @Italianita you seem to be the only one who’s actually reading it objectively. The rest have taken it as a personal attack maybe a parent has had an issue with them about such a thing in the past. They seem guilty to me the way they’re being so antagonistic and defensive.

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I hear this, I wanted to nonjudgmental and objective comments.
I agree - I put him in bottoms with buttons yesterday - he is tall for 2-3 but 3-4 bottoms are too loose for him generally so even the bottoms without the buttons - I have to tie his drawstrings usually. So I do hear this and I will be making a change here - that is on me! But I believe he was standing there waiting for someone because since he has been there he has been accompanied to the toilet.
they admitted they were too busy to me. So why the nursery teachers on net mums are getting so triggered is beyond me.

I would trust your instinct. You are his parent. It’s your job to advocate for him. No one knows him or cares for his interests more than you.

nursery should support your ways to some extent and build your child up. Don’t accept this poor standard. Have a meeting, speak to the room manager and the nursery manger. Not conflict just a discussion about practices and expectations. If you find that your requirements can’t be accommodated I would do some research in the area and move him.

i would and I will advocate for my child. If I don’t who will? Also if I don’t shield them from emotional distress who will? What am I teaching them? He’s so little and their language is completely wrong - shaming and unprofessional AND not educated. He didn’t choose to wee on the floor. It shows a lack of education and compassion. And a lack of training in nursery.

its like people who think babies are trying to manipulate them by crying! Completely bizarre. I’m sorry this is happening. Please update us after you have a chat and how your son is getting on.

Such a great command of the English language, I rarely do what those with poor choice of language demand!

He is unable to manage his buttons, why then put him in buttoned clothing?
He isn't confident enough to use the toilet on his own, who is responsible for developing that confidence?
He had an accident, it's not a world shattering event.

People are getting annoyed as you see "too busy" as neglect rather than seeing that when they have more than one child to look after, that sometimes someone has to wait. They can't be everywhere at once. This was one of those occasions. It could easily happen at home when there is a 3yo and a baby for example... or even just as you are cooking dinner with one 3yo.

They should have been more supportive afterwards. And you, the person who has contact with this nursery, have misgivings... none of us can say whether they are valid or not as we don't them! But trusting your gut is important with childcare.

Yeah, I think this lad is not just OP's first, but OP's only. She therefore hasn't had much or any experience of "A is calling me for something, B is crying and I'm not sure why, C has to go to the toilet and tea needs to come out the oven".

Oh behave!! Of course 'most' 4 year olds are bladder and bowel trained!!

I despair 😔

Op was the one who referenced the clothing issue. And given he made it to the right place but couldn't get his trousers down it seems appropriate to highlight the advantage of eady to use clothing!

So he knew he needed to go, he went to the right place to go, and but he soiled himself because he didn’t get his button undone/trousers done in time.

Yes, a member of staff could have done it for him, but they were busy.

If he’d had jogging bottoms/soft shorts on, would he have been able to get them down and go to the toilet himself?

I’m neither a nursery teacher or ‘triggered’
by your post.

I’m a mum of multiple children who knows it makes sense to make a child as independent when toileting as you can-be it by providing elasticated clothing, a toilet seat, a step, etc etc, as there will always be times when the nearby adult is busy and unable to get there in time.

@Lockdownmama2021 while I don't agree with you and think YABU re the toilet issue, it seems you believe his key workers is insensitive and maybe unprofessional. I think that's a much bigger issue.

thats fair enough, I think I would have had a totally different reaction if his key worker was more sensitive in her approach. I can understand in a busy environment you have to prioritise maybe he was showing independence so they believed he could but were unclear and he was expecting someone to come in with him. At home he would not have waited and gone ahead to the toilet so I’m also wondering why he’s so timid at preschool he does as he’s told and not his little rebellious self.. also the fact that every time my son sees her he turns his body towards me and does not want to go in - is it gut feeling or intuition.. I don’t want to overreact to things I don’t want to be ‘neurotic’ as someone posted so I’m trying to give benefit of doubt but I’m just recalling all of the interactions I’ve had with her and I just don’t see why my son who easily warms to people is finding it difficult to warm to Her.
she also seems very unprofessional and judgmental and doesn’t ever take accountability - once she let my son leave the snack table with food in his mouth and she got told off for it by the nursery manager and she blamed it on my son - the manager herself told me this because when I went to pick him she said ‘oh he doesn’t listen but I’ll talk to you another time’ I pushed her and said is everything ok? And she said ‘it’s inappropriate’ so I was thinking wth has my son done? I called the nursery and the manager told me that my son did nothing and it was her miscommunication and misunderstanding. This was just 2 weeks after he started going.