3yo sent toilet on his own in preschool and he had an accident

[Lockdownmama2021]

My 3yo is potty trained, he has very rarely had accidents with wee and has never ever done a no2 in pants. He started preschool in April, prior to this he was at home with me. And even when he’s watching his fav movie he will tell me when he needs the toilet. Today he told a teacher he needs to go they sent him to the toilets on his own. And when they went to check he was standing there and he had pooped in his pants - when the teacher realised and took his pants down he then did wee which he was clearly holding in. Now I’m so shocked. He has never done that and they were trying to play it down but when I asked why no one went with him they said they usually do but were busy and some of their older kids can go independently and since he knows what to do they thought he can. I mean I feel like the teacher was downplaying their negligence, to me he’s just started preschool he never goes toilet alone at home I always go with him and guide him. I’m just getting a really uneasy feeling about his preschool as well I feel like my boy is very intimidated there and not his happy confident self and since going he’s become timid and quiet. I don’t know if I’m being overprotective or babying him too much. But sending a new kid to the toilets on his own is not right imo. Aibu?

Yes

It’s a preschool and nursery their kids range from 2-4 hence they accompany the kids to the toilet.

Looks like a lot of early year practitioners are here defending the preschool for the sake of it.
this is not the first instant where I have felt an off vibe from his key worker. I wanted my boy to socialise with other kids and since going his conversations and sentences are a lot longer so he has improved in that way but he has lost his confidence.

nm community seem bitter and judgemental.

@Italianita are you the op posting under a different name?

Seems very poor care to me OP. I wouldn't be pleased at all.

I was thinking the same

@K0OLA1D pleased it's not just me

There is no "parenting fail" in this situation.
A child had trouble with using the toilet and his caregivers failed to recognize this and assist. I cannot understand the pile on to OP insisting she has failed. There's no way I believe anyone else wouldn't question how this happened and even be annoyed at the staff. The child is three and three year olds often need help.

YABU. They have probably seen him going at the set times and thought he'd manage. Personally I'd not make a fuss of comforting a child who had had an accident either unless they were really distressed. That would reinforce that's it's a big deal - it's not. Your reaction has probably done this therefore influenced his retelling of events and how sad he was. 3 year olds rarely do this accurately. Bright and breezy 'never mind let's get you cleaned up' and distraction is the usual tactic.

Children will have accidents when transitioning to going alone. It doesn't happen at home as you haven't allowed it to but you're likely just delaying the inevitable. I personally wouldn't class him as toilet trained if he needs accompanied every time. This is something that once their are ready to train, is usually a acheived pretty quickly after so not unreasonable of nursery to think, after a month or more , that he would manage.

You should be putting him in clothes he can manage himself.

I genuinely can't understand why you would dress a child going to a nursery, or a private pre-school in clothes he can't manage on his own.

I understand that you say he normally only goes to the toilet when they all go together but this time he didn't. This time he went by himself and he must have felt comfortable to do so.

It sounds like you have lost the trust you had in the setting and I don't think you should send him back.

It’s a preschool and nursery their kids range from 2-4 hence they accompany the kids to the toilet.

Not this time though.

You've said that he only goes when they all go so yes, when they all go it's what you are calling standard practice. They can't all go together unsupervised because children of that age can't queue or wait and some would stay washing their hands for ages and others would not wash them at all. And if they are all going then there would only need to be one adult on the carpet with the nappy wearers and the ones who had been to the toilet.

The adult supervising would say things like 'that's it James, now take down your pants, well done'.

In our nursery, it doesn't mean that every time a child goes to the toilet an adult would also go with them.

Perhaps you need to talk with them about that if this is your understanding and if you are going to send him back.

Maybe it is not a good private pre-school. Some aren't. A 1:5 ratio doesn't make it a better setting . Is there a nursery class in a school you could send him to?

He absolutely needs to be wearing trousers he can easily take up and down on his own.

Yes, surely at that age they wear tracksuit bottoms /leggings for preschool?
Mine always went in supermarket tracksuit bottoms and t shirt so I didn't have to worry if they got ruined by paint /mud/toilet accidents

perhaps his buttons were stiff and he found it difficult to pull down.

Why would you put a 3 year old in trousers with stiff buttons that are difficult to put down??

He is traumatised by it and even had a big moment at home because of it

Are you sure? He is possibly traumatised by your overreaction.

Put him in jogging bottoms and practise going to the toilet independently at home.

I work in a preschool and we accompany recent potty trainers, whatever their age. Some children are toilet trained at just past 2 and well able to go to the toilet alone by 3. Others, it is later. I think after half a term, I would expect a child to be able to go alone or come back to me and say they need help. I can understand the preschool was busy, possibly understaffed, this is by far the busiest time of year for us as a whole bunch of kids are about to leave and we've been taking in 2 year olds as soon as they turn 2 so they're are usually a lot of children to deal with and staffing is thin.

The way his key worker spoke to you about the wee was not kind though and I would be asking for another key worker. Especially if they have been consistently taking him (why??).

In that situation, I would have said to your child: Are you OK to go alone. Come back and ask me for help if you need to? When he weed on the floor, I would have understood that this was a trauma response to the poo and certainly not deliberate.

So yes, the preschool is at fault, and don't sound very kind, but I wouldn't go as far negligent.

If OPs son wasn’t so babied and was able to go to the toilet themselves like the majority of 3 year olds we care for then the accident wouldn’t have happened.

my children could go to the toilet by 2.6years old themselves apart from needing their bums wiped when they shouted on someone.

as parents it’s our duty to nurture and guide our children to become independent while in nursery, school, high school and beyond.

@Italianita are you related to OP you seem very invested in someone else’s situation especially when the majority are saying she is being unreasonable.