3yo sent toilet on his own in preschool and he had an accident

[Lockdownmama2021]

My 3yo is potty trained, he has very rarely had accidents with wee and has never ever done a no2 in pants. He started preschool in April, prior to this he was at home with me. And even when he’s watching his fav movie he will tell me when he needs the toilet. Today he told a teacher he needs to go they sent him to the toilets on his own. And when they went to check he was standing there and he had pooped in his pants - when the teacher realised and took his pants down he then did wee which he was clearly holding in. Now I’m so shocked. He has never done that and they were trying to play it down but when I asked why no one went with him they said they usually do but were busy and some of their older kids can go independently and since he knows what to do they thought he can. I mean I feel like the teacher was downplaying their negligence, to me he’s just started preschool he never goes toilet alone at home I always go with him and guide him. I’m just getting a really uneasy feeling about his preschool as well I feel like my boy is very intimidated there and not his happy confident self and since going he’s become timid and quiet. I don’t know if I’m being overprotective or babying him too much. But sending a new kid to the toilets on his own is not right imo. Aibu?

@Lockdownmama2021
The biggest thing here is that ALL CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT!!
It’s great that some kids are potty trained at 2.5years old… but others aren’t! My daughter was 3, we made attempts before that but she wasn’t ready… however once she got it she got it and has never ever had an accident since… she was fully independent and called me when she’d finished, I had to wipe after a number 2… I don’t believe they can wipe effectively at that age.
My daughter wouldn’t poo in front of anyone (ever)… even as a toddler she’d disappear and hide behind the sofa to poo… so naturally no one ever took her to the toilet… I presume she never went at nursery for that reason but I can’t remember.
Anyway children are all different, and his support should be catered to his needs, regardless of what other children need, if he needs assistance so he should get it! It really is that simple !
&some kids are still in nappies at 3! When we looked round infant schools we were asked if anyone’s children were still in nappies and if so they needed to try to get them clean before September! I was shocked!
On another concern you’ve raised : if your gut is telling you that your son isn’t happy at this nursery look at different ones, point out his needs and see their reactions, ask for a trial day and gauge his attitude… my daughter loved preschool and never wanted me to come in even for the days when everyone else’s parent came in for the first hour.. her attitude was ‘I’m big girl now’…
but as I say kids are different… when she started school I had to drop her at the year R gate and leave… other kids wanted their parents to walk them all the way to the classroom door all through infants.. some still cried going into juniors!
I do disagree though with your comment about children suffering with anxiety - this isn’t caused by the early years… anything can change a perfectly happy child into an anxious one! My daughter was bullied horrendously in year 3… the bully even recruited /bullied others into bullying my DD, we had an awful time and school didn’t really help until I filed an official complaint … then in year 4 we had lockdown … now lockdown has caused lots of otherwise very happy children to become anxious… it was such a difficult time for kids, being isolated from family and friends… then when they went back to school after they weren’t allowed to socialise out side of their class ‘bubble’ or in my DD’s case they had areas for each year group… they were so isolated! And after lockdown some kids came back with major behaviour issues, my daughter struggled with other children’s behaviour the most.. some parents had to work and children were left to their own devises and they returned and acted like they were feral!my DD was diagnosed with a life changing medical condition during the 2nd lockdown and that triggered her anxiety… she used to check before bed that I’d definitely check her over night wouldn't i… terrified she could die or wake up back in hospital… Then her dad left…. So with all the respect in the world please don’t blame anxiety on early years because that’s utter bull shit and very judgemental and nasty. My daughter had a full blown panic attack about going back to school for year 6… down to hating other students, stress of her disability and the fact teachers who knew nothing about her condition had passed ridiculous comments and bullied her (yes I complained) ..
She had terrible experience transitioning to seniors (again due to ignorant teachers passing comments) and I feel like all I’ve done is advocate and complain… the head of safeguarding actually said ‘not all parents advocate for their children and you’re very good at it!!’
Anyway do as your gut tells you.. move him nursery’s or put him into preschool .. then Atleast he’ll get the holidays off still. (Assuming you don’t work as you mentioned home schooling).
Goid luck

3 year olds in OP's nursery don't go to the loo on their own

Of course they do. Do you honestly tho I every child is being taken every time they need to go. There would need to be a couple of full time staff for that! DC are taken at set times by staff. Outside of that, it's fairly clear from the situation being discussed, that dc can go on their own

You really are over invested in this. You’ve posted more than the OP.

That's where we disagree

Read OP'S posts more thoroughly

I have. But I'm reading the actual words rather than just wildly making stuff up and obsessing about it.

Yes but it’s also not fair to discredit a person for not doing their job when the facts aren’t clear. Are we forgetting that less than a month ago a woman was jailed for allowing a child to suffocate! I don’t even want to say exactly what happened because it makes me sick to my stomach. But, sadly, as happens frequently, a child had a toiletting accident! And the OP called the staff negligent! I think people have every right to defend that!

I don't like seeing children mistreated and then blaming the child.

But you didn't see anything. You are fabricating things.

I don’t think there is anyone that is really blaming the child, as I said in my previous post, there are plenty of people discrediting staff for a child having a toiletting accident, there’s is no blame apportioned in my post. But calling staff negligent, as the OP has, could be damaging to someone’s career! It’s wrong!

Are all toileting accidents at home attributable to parental negligence?

If a parent has sent their “toilet trained” 3 year old to the toilet when they need to go, but the parent is not in a position to directly supervise for whatever reason, is that negligence?

If you are having to go with him and “guide him at home” you are still in the process of toilet training him and he is not toilet trained.

They are not negligent for letting him go on his own and thought he was toilet trained and capable of doing so.

Regarding the other concerns I agree you should take him out OP and wait until he goes to the pre school in Sept.

When I worked in the nursery class at a school, all the children were expected to go to the toilet by themselves, and we accepted children from the term after they turned 2.5.

No they actually don’t. I have spoken to the manager and they usually never send the kids alone, someone is always watching over them.

What’s happened? Have you complained and has it been dealt with satisfactorily

I had a chat with the nursery manager she said it was an isolated incident, I didn’t complain about the wording of his key worker as I was waiting for a meeting (didn’t want to say it at the door) we will be having a meeting tomorrow about a number of other things alongside the way this was handled. (Since then I believe they’ve informally changed his key worker - just a hunch, I’ll find out more tomorrow)

Hope it goes well