3yo sent toilet on his own in preschool and he had an accident

[Lockdownmama2021]

My 3yo is potty trained, he has very rarely had accidents with wee and has never ever done a no2 in pants. He started preschool in April, prior to this he was at home with me. And even when he’s watching his fav movie he will tell me when he needs the toilet. Today he told a teacher he needs to go they sent him to the toilets on his own. And when they went to check he was standing there and he had pooped in his pants - when the teacher realised and took his pants down he then did wee which he was clearly holding in. Now I’m so shocked. He has never done that and they were trying to play it down but when I asked why no one went with him they said they usually do but were busy and some of their older kids can go independently and since he knows what to do they thought he can. I mean I feel like the teacher was downplaying their negligence, to me he’s just started preschool he never goes toilet alone at home I always go with him and guide him. I’m just getting a really uneasy feeling about his preschool as well I feel like my boy is very intimidated there and not his happy confident self and since going he’s become timid and quiet. I don’t know if I’m being overprotective or babying him too much. But sending a new kid to the toilets on his own is not right imo. Aibu?

@Lockdownmama2021 you really need to catch yourself when you’re at home. Resist doing it for him. Show him how to pull his pants down etc. You mention buttons. He shouldn’t be wearing anything with buttons on the bottom half. He needs joggers or shorts with elasticated waistbands

Yes i explained when he started which was middle of April. But they assured me and said it’s their standard practice to go in with every child until they’re 4 and know them to be independent. This is not the first thing that’s happened. Once before his teacher must have been firm with him because he came home and told me that his key worker shouted. She has said things to me which are distressing- for instance today she said when she took his bottoms off he was holding his wee in and then ‘decided to do it on the floor when the toilet is right there’ I mean did he decide to do it? He was holding it in and traumatised and he couldn’t hold it anymore. I just get a very unprofessional vibe from them tbh. No offence to teachers I want to work WITH them but they behave like it’s an effort to even tell me basic info.

On the off chance this is real…

Don’t put your very small child in any clothes with buttons. Easy pull up and down leggings/tracksuit bottoms/shorts are much better.

The staff were not negligent. They explained what happened and why.

It’s not “sent toilet”. He was sent to the toilet.

I thought YABU until the bit about him 'deciding to do it on the floor when the toilet is right there' comment. Thta would really annoy me, he wet himself (which is fine) it would really upset me if someone said it like that.

Ahaa I see. It is tricky. As you will have a mixed bag of staff where ever you go. Some horrid storiesin the news of the extreme examples but it will be the same in any occupation including preschool

Side note this is a contributing factor for why we are home schooling. My niece went a private Nursery at a top school and ended up with a broken finger and the staff said it happened at home. My niece is extremely bright and was 3.5years old and told us what happened. It was an accident with another child but instead of them dealing with it they sent her home without reporting to parents etc. My niece was removed elrifht away and complaints escalated.

I know they are short staffed but quality is still needed with these little people.
Did you DS sat why he had held it?
My DS is quiet chatty about what's upsets him and even if not right away he will let me know after a bit. Maybe try get his side of things.

A lot of 3 year olds can go to the toilet alone, nursery toilets are also mini toilets and sinks so much easier than at home. They won't be accompanied to the toilet at school so do need to get used to this at preschool.
It's normal for children to have accidents in a new environment, they will try and hold it because they are distracted with play, unfamiliar with the toilets and/or not fully confident is asking the staff as they are still getting to know them.

Why would you put your child in trousers he can't undo himself?
My child is 3 and I always make sure he's in trousers he can pull down. Hence why he doesn't wear jeans right now as he struggles.

Negligence really? The idea is ridiculous

Poor little boy, as long as they didn't shout at him or embarass him I think it's all above board. Accidents happen all the time at nursery, we even have to fill forms agreeing that staff will help if they have an accident 😊

Where are you that any preschool has the staff available to spend the best part of the day accompanying 3 year olds to the toilet?

I feel like you've misunderstood them, there's no way they are employing someone to spend a large portion of each day taking children to the loo. That's simply bonkers.

Why would this issue not be real?

Because there is an infamous 'toilet troll' who posts about children wetting themselves in public. Usually in school but sometimes in public toilets.

And because it's unusual for a nursery to accompany a potty trained child to the toilet because most do not have the staff for this and it's also unusual for a three year old to be dressed in clothes they can't manage which adds to the 'oh no, they have wet themselves' trope.

And not one adult either but two. Unless the toilets are completely open to the rest of the room.

I'd find a new nursery - from your post and your updates you obviously feel uncomfortable and don't trust them. Difficult to say whether they have done something wrong or not but the point is that you feel they have and so you are not happy for ds to be in their care which says it all to me.

This is not negligence at all. You said that he might not have been able to get his trousers down because his buttons were too stiff.... surely it's on you to make sure he's wearing appropriate clothing that he can pull down to go to the toilet himself in that case. If you said he's toilet trained then surely he should be able to do this.
He had an accident, he's 3. It's happens. It's not a big deal. You're making it a huge deal when it's doesn't have to be. He's not traumatised by it... he's going to forget this happened.
You need to just move past this and encourage and help him to be more independent when going to the toilet.

This is not negligence at all.

I work in early years, the only children we assist on the toilet are ones who are potty training, if they are potty trained they are expected to go themselves.

we are in a ratio of 1:8. Most days there are 2 staff to 16 children in each room which means we can’t leave one staff member with 16 children to take one child to the toilet.

at nursery all children should wear trousers, pants and shoes they can put on and off themselves. They go to school at 4/5 and one teacher has 30 kids, they can’t possibly assist each and every child to the toilet, to eat shoes on etc.

For example...
Child A has fallen over and grazed knee. Staff 1 is doing first aid
Children B and C ate upset... Staff 2 is looking after them
Staff 3 is trying to lead an activity with 20 other children
Child D needs the toilet, and can go without help... so is sent by themselves AS ALL THE STAFF ARE DEALING WITH URGENT NEEDS.

Not negligence. Just only having one pair of hands each.

generally these things happen OP, my kids had the odd accident even though they’d been potty trained literal years. Some times kids have accidents, especially in new environments or when they are a little unsure or distracted. It’s just part of that early school experience I’m afraid.

On that part try not to be too hung up over it, I know it’s not nice for the child but making it a bigger issue than it is will only make him feel worse. A simple “oops nevermind, sometimes these things happen at school!” Is all that is needed.

That said it does sound like perhaps your pre school isn’t doing what they’ve said they will and some of the comments aren’t helpful or kind.

On that basis I’d be asking to talk to them about the situation and asking for their policy again, to be clear on what is expected. I’d also be bringing up the comment made to DS.

However I do think you should separate the accident from the “behaviour” issue - kids pee / poo themselves, it happens and it’s very common in preschool, and focus more on the way it was handled

If we believe a 3yo is potty trained then we encourage them to be independent. We keep an eye on any newly trained children. If you feel your child might need support let them know as many children at that stage don’t need accompanying. If you’ve told them he is trained they will assume he is independent.

As an aside - accidents, especially poo accidents, are very common. Children are reluctant to leave their play and friends and get caught out. It isn’t a problem if it’s an occasional accident in a busy setting and they soon grow out of it as they understand their bodies signals better.

I'm not sure that ours are accompanied into the toilet but adults do loiter. 3 year olds are evolutionary incapable of being able to reach their bumholes to wipe. Our pre school is attached to school. The toilets are outside of the room (out of sight) in the corridor with reception also sharing them. So I guess the kids are observed more than in a nursery whereby the toilets are more accessible.

3 year olds have accidents. My son has been dry for 5 months now and still has the occasional accident if he doesn't quite get there in time.