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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell the next person who asks if I'm pregnant to F OFFFFFF!

156 replies

Definitelymaybebaby1 · 05/06/2024 08:10

I'm mid 30s - even as a young person I had skinny legs, no bum to speak off and a pot belly - and now 3 kids later it's more prominent. I'm about a size 12/14 overall but I know my figure is imbalanced with a bigger belly than you would expect for my frame. When I lose weight I get smaller all over but maintain the same proportions. It's just my bloody body! I hate it. Of course. Would I be a product of the 90s diet culture if I didn't?

I've recently started a new job I'm excited about, and part of it involves delivering a training course every 4 weeks. I share research and information on how to best work with children who have been abused to other professionals in children's services. I'm passionate about it and feel like I'm good at it. 4 weeks ago, on the first course, I was in the flow of my presentation and at the break some arse man said loudly in front of everyone "oh and is that a little bump? How lovely, when are you due?" I shut him down and left the room to cry in the toilet. I lost my flow and confidence for the day. I told my boss after (which was very embarrassing) but she was supportive agreed he was a thoughtless arse, really talked me around.

Yesterday, second run of the course with a different group of attendees and a lovely-seeming woman with four kids of her own who works in the same sector as me said to me "and how long have you got left at work?" with a smile and look down at my tummy. I said "I finish at 5" and went to my car to car and scream.

I feel like I cannot stand up in front of another group of people and do this course again. I am crawling of out my skin with self consciousness and won't be able to concentrate on what I want to stay for feeling like everyone is analysing my body. Why do people feel like they can say this?! I thought everyone knows it's a no go conversation but clearly everyone is so sure I am, that they think it's ok to say. I want to do my presentation from behind a screen or via an AI avatar next so I can just do my f'ing job without having to be judged for how I look.

OP posts:
JellyBellies · 05/06/2024 08:14

That sounds really hard. What is you preempted it?
Put it in the beginning of you presentation- before anyone asks, I'm not pregnant. A few well meaning ppl have made a mistake - or something nicer/funnier

You have my sympathies though, my personal rule is I will never mention it unless the other person says they are pregnant.

Holluschickie · 05/06/2024 08:16

I hear you. I have the same problem because of menopause. People still ask me if I am pregnant. This is a question that should never be asked.

I have started responding with " I am just fat". I am not fat actually. I am a 12 with a healthy BMI.
Deeply frustrating.

fourelementary · 05/06/2024 08:18

I agree with the PP that perhaps mention it yourself. It’s so rude and unprofessional that anyone would do that.
An aside- has it always been that you actually look pregnant? Would it be worth checking with a GP in case there is any medical issue causing significant bloating/swelling. My friend just had a massive fibroid removed which deffo made her look pregnant.

Alwaysalwayscold · 05/06/2024 08:21

I know you shouldn't have to, but can't you wear something that minimises it?

MarthaDunstable · 05/06/2024 08:23

95% of people know you should never ask a woman whether shes pregnant unless you're about to X-ray her or she goes into labour in front of you.

But if you're meeting 20 new people every session then that 5% will get you.

I'm sorry and I don't know what to suggest. You shouldn't have to, but think carefully about what you wear. Maybe walk in with a double espresso and remark on it as you take a swig (silly idea but I'm clutching at straws here, and I wouldn't want to take the up-front announcement approach for the sake of 5% of people who lack social skills).

iwentjasonwaterfalls · 05/06/2024 08:23

Oh OP I really feel for you. It's so difficult to get yourself back on track when you're training a group and something like this has knocked your confidence, so well done for doing it twice in a row.

Have you got a "housekeeping" slide at the start of any training presentation or video, or do you have the time to show a housekeeping slide at all? The usual about toilets are located x, mobile phone policy during the course and, if you feel up to it, a tongue in cheek comment along the lines of "I can't believe I have to say this in an adult learning environment, but recent courses suggest I do - no personal comments about anyone else in the room. This includes their body, clothing, etc".

It might be vague enough not to make you feel like you're drawing attention to where you're feeling insecure, but stern enough to make them think twice before making any comments.

HebburnPokemon · 05/06/2024 08:23

I told my boss after (which was very embarrassing)

Why?

TomeTome · 05/06/2024 08:24

That’s a horrible thing to have happened to you. I think I’d go head on as PPs have suggested.

liann34 · 05/06/2024 08:24

No one should be making those comments anyway, but if you want to change it OP, weights are the answer. Body recomposition is possible. I used to have the same problem and weights have done more than any amount of cardio ever did.

HebburnPokemon · 05/06/2024 08:25

fourelementary · 05/06/2024 08:18

I agree with the PP that perhaps mention it yourself. It’s so rude and unprofessional that anyone would do that.
An aside- has it always been that you actually look pregnant? Would it be worth checking with a GP in case there is any medical issue causing significant bloating/swelling. My friend just had a massive fibroid removed which deffo made her look pregnant.

This is good advice.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 05/06/2024 08:26

I had this when I was going through chemo and had the Pooh belly always good when you're bald as well and just had a single mastectomy, my poor DH used to be devastated for me as chemo meant I couldn't have any more children but I just used to say "I'm not pregnant, just fat" and they were usually mortified. I'm hoping it learnt them a lesson to never ask someone if they're pregnant.
Put yourself first op and keep rocking that job as it sounds as if you really enjoy it. Flowers

EagleEyeRock · 05/06/2024 08:26

I wouldn't dare even comment unless it's brought up by the person, even if it's completely obvious they're pregnant.

I think everyone is terrified of offending and I've never come across this!

LifeBeginsNow · 05/06/2024 08:27

I had this the other day. It really takes the wind out of your sails. I know you shouldn't care but it's impossible not to. You go from feeling OK or even great about yourself to feeling frumpy. At least if you were pregnant there's something lovely at the end of it!
I replied to say it was the way I was stood and I was a bit fat but I shouldn't have. I should've just said I wasn't and left them feeling uncomfortable. It's their issue being so rude and not my responsibility to lessen the discomfort. I WILL learn for next time!

MegsNaiceJam · 05/06/2024 08:27

I am fatter than you and have a “pregnant” looking tummy. I have experienced the same.

You’re responses are very good. How about adding to them with:

”Thank you Dave for demonstrating why it’s so important in work settings to not comment on other people’s physical appearance. It’s rude, and can land you in trouble with HR”

Holluschickie · 05/06/2024 08:28

Also certain ethnicities are more predisposed to carry weight in their bellies. I am from one such. Therefore doubly rude to say anything.
I have to make presentations in my job as well, though the latest comment was actually from someone I met socially.
I dont have fibroids. This is the way I carry weight in menopause.

Hankunamatata · 05/06/2024 08:30

Some people have no manners. You don't comment even if you are 99.9% sure they are pregnant, you just don't until they bring it up

Cheeesus · 05/06/2024 08:33

That’s really crappy for you. People should know better.

Is there anything you can do with your clothes that would help? If you want advice I’m sure people can give you some. I know you shouldn’t have to.

BrightSunshinyEvening · 05/06/2024 08:33

liann34 · 05/06/2024 08:24

No one should be making those comments anyway, but if you want to change it OP, weights are the answer. Body recomposition is possible. I used to have the same problem and weights have done more than any amount of cardio ever did.

So sorry OP. People can be so rude.

I would second this poster though. Weight-training is your friend if you'd like to change it.

It's so sad that you hate your body and that you reference "90s diet culture". You can transform your relationship with your body by becoming strong. You can do it from home, starting with very small weights and using a You Tube video.

Lots more helpful ideas here too: https://www.livestrong.com/article/30827-rid-pot-belly/

In the meantime, great suggestion from a PP to say "no personal comments about bodies/clothing" at the start of the session. You shouldn't need to do this, but it should put a stop to it.

All the best OP..

How to Get Rid of a Pot Belly | Livestrong.com

If you have a pot belly, you can get rid of it by incorporating strength training, lowering your intake of carbs and staying away from processed foods.

https://www.livestrong.com/article/30827-rid-pot-belly

Hankunamatata · 05/06/2024 08:34

Iv found deadpan works well.
I'm not, I'm just fat and then hard stare

FourOfDiamonds · 05/06/2024 08:35

That's so rude of them! My sister has the same problem where she is skinny all over but never really lost her baby bump after having kids.

I would say 'I'm not pregnant, just fat' and stare them down. I think most people would be mortified

Holluschickie · 05/06/2024 08:38

Not to speak for the OP, but while I know weight training would help, I honestly don't want to go to that much effort for rude people. I already exercise.

I dont hate my body. I just hate other people's response to it. I also hate that 50 something women are expected to have the abs they did when they were 30.

TheBloatedMiddle · 05/06/2024 08:42

I am exactly the same (see user name!).

People have always asked me even when I was 8 stone (I am now nearly 13 stone). It is awful. I am not sure how to handle it, I never did very well. But I hear you. Thanks

Screamingabdabz · 05/06/2024 08:45

As another disproportionate big-bellied person I sympathise. It makes it worse when you’re slimmer everywhere else because it emphasises it. Finding clothes is a nightmare.

I’m also a trainer and people do scrutinise your appearance because you usually stand at the front and they’ve got all the opportunity in the world to look at you head to toe. How about buying a cheap mobile lecturn stand and putting a banner in front of it, and talk from that?

As upsetting as it is though, I’d try to accept that that is my appearance and people will think what they’ll think. Try and be confident and shut down comments with the ‘I’m not pregnant I’m just fat’ thing. It’s a trick that stand up comedians often use at the beginning of their routines “I know you think I look like… x/y/z etc”. Once you address it, people get over it and concentrate more on what you’re saying.

TheBloatedMiddle · 05/06/2024 08:45

iwentjasonwaterfalls · 05/06/2024 08:23

Oh OP I really feel for you. It's so difficult to get yourself back on track when you're training a group and something like this has knocked your confidence, so well done for doing it twice in a row.

Have you got a "housekeeping" slide at the start of any training presentation or video, or do you have the time to show a housekeeping slide at all? The usual about toilets are located x, mobile phone policy during the course and, if you feel up to it, a tongue in cheek comment along the lines of "I can't believe I have to say this in an adult learning environment, but recent courses suggest I do - no personal comments about anyone else in the room. This includes their body, clothing, etc".

It might be vague enough not to make you feel like you're drawing attention to where you're feeling insecure, but stern enough to make them think twice before making any comments.

I quite like that idea. It might make the hard of thinking think a bit - not only for in this session but for others as well.

TheUsualChaos · 05/06/2024 08:51

I just can't believe people actually do this. The man's behaviour was appalling.
As a HCP I do agree with advice to get checked though, just to rule out huge fibroid or ovarian cyst. These can grow very slowly over a long period of time. Would just be a quick scan and blood test.