To tell the next person who asks if I'm pregnant to F OFFFFFF!

[Definitelymaybebaby1]

I'm mid 30s - even as a young person I had skinny legs, no bum to speak off and a pot belly - and now 3 kids later it's more prominent. I'm about a size 12/14 overall but I know my figure is imbalanced with a bigger belly than you would expect for my frame. When I lose weight I get smaller all over but maintain the same proportions. It's just my bloody body! I hate it. Of course. Would I be a product of the 90s diet culture if I didn't?

I've recently started a new job I'm excited about, and part of it involves delivering a training course every 4 weeks. I share research and information on how to best work with children who have been abused to other professionals in children's services. I'm passionate about it and feel like I'm good at it. 4 weeks ago, on the first course, I was in the flow of my presentation and at the break some arse man said loudly in front of everyone "oh and is that a little bump? How lovely, when are you due?" I shut him down and left the room to cry in the toilet. I lost my flow and confidence for the day. I told my boss after (which was very embarrassing) but she was supportive agreed he was a thoughtless arse, really talked me around.

Yesterday, second run of the course with a different group of attendees and a lovely-seeming woman with four kids of her own who works in the same sector as me said to me "and how long have you got left at work?" with a smile and look down at my tummy. I said "I finish at 5" and went to my car to car and scream.

I feel like I cannot stand up in front of another group of people and do this course again. I am crawling of out my skin with self consciousness and won't be able to concentrate on what I want to stay for feeling like everyone is analysing my body. Why do people feel like they can say this?! I thought everyone knows it's a no go conversation but clearly everyone is so sure I am, that they think it's ok to say. I want to do my presentation from behind a screen or via an AI avatar next so I can just do my f'ing job without having to be judged for how I look.

I’ve always had a pot belly - I can remember being measured for a bridesmaid dress, at age 8, and trying to suck it in! It got slightly worse after each pregnancy, and in menopause. I look 6/7 months gone naked, but luckily my clothes disguise it mostly. I wear big Bridget Jones pants!

Sorry all, that's just crazy.
😐

To echo what @fourelementary has said, I am currently awaiting surgery to have a humongous ovarian cyst removed, I was on the ovarian cancer pathway over Christmas due to elevated markers in my blood tests and severe increase in pain which was totally shit but thankfully doctor is now confident it is just a simple cyst but it is now too big to be left.

I am quite tiny and wear size 8/10 but am currently having to buy bottoms up to a size 14 to accommodate the cyst and be able to fasten my trousers and at times I look how I do when I’m 4-6 months pregnant!

I haven’t had anyone comment as of yet although I have seen some people looking at my belly as sometimes I really do look pregnant!

I think this is just so rude of people.

I used to work with a man who was prone to this sort of foot in mouth moment. I remember once when some others had been out for a meal with him one evening and had tried to dissuade him from asking the waitress when her baby was due, telling him that she wasn't necessarily pregnant and that it could be rude and upsetting if he asked her.

He was utterly convinced that he was right though and wouldn't listen. So he asked her and then ended up very embarrassed and with egg on his face when she replied, very upset, that she wasn't pregnant.

I really hope he learned to stop with such comments. He was generally a nice man, but gaffe prone.

I really don't know why people seem to think it is OK to say this sort of thing!🫤🤔

Jesus - the fact that he was warned and still went ahead and put his foot in his mouth. What a Gobshite. Wonder if he pulled that stunt again - hopefully not.

@TruJay when I had very big fibroids I would just tell people up front to avoid them asking me. No I am not pregnant. I have a bulky womb. Before my surgery my belly was lopsided where one was so big

@liann34 and @BrightSunshinyEvening - I agree with both of you and have found weight training has done wonders for my menopausal belly. It's a revelation.

This! My sister had a similar problem whatever weight she was, turns out she's got Coeliac and was constantly bloated from gluten/wheat. Now she's cut out gluten her tummy is normal sized.

SO rude. I have had this happen to me and I broke down in tears immediately (because we have actually been trying and failing to get pregnant for three years). The person was soooooo embarrassed, I hope they never do it again.

I am very thin, but I am another who carries weight on my belly. For me it's peri-menopause and the results of my first pregnancy, plus bloating if I eat certain things.

If I'm asked again I intend to go for the "No, I'm just bloated" - hard stare - approach.

Oh that reminded me of once when I was asked ; 'Oh, when are you due?' I smiled and replied; '10 years ago'.

I left that person looking absolutely baffled. Hopefully the penny dropped eventually.

There are other outfits like a flowy sundress with shirred bodice where my tummy isn’t visible at all, and I look quite slim (ish!)

I’m a size 8/10 and for me it’s the total opposite. If I wear fitted trousers, a belt, a blouse tucked in no one mistakes me as pregnant but a flowy dress and a swing top has everyone asking despite me actually not having much of a pot belly these days (decades of yoga and Pilates has helped after 4 DC)

@Definitelymaybebaby1 your “I finish at 5” was smart though. There’s always one clueless twonk who doesn’t realise you never ask stuff like that 🙄.

Oh I feel for you. I’m 2 c sections down and probably a little pudgy but I was at my baby’s baptism, holding him (he’s 10 months and quite a chunk so I probably do stick my tummy out a bit to carry his weight) and an old dear smiled and asked me if I was expecting again already. I said smiled and said no but I felt so shit all day. People should just know better nowadays!

I have diastasis recti. It's mortifying and really knocked my confidence. I just want to hide in a corner at work, I can feel it's holding me back because I don't want to do anything that might draw attention to myself. It's having such an impact that I want to bring forward TTC for DC3 because then I'll have an excuse. Being pregnant is the only time I feel like I don't feel ashamed by my body. Although even when I was pregnant with DC2, I could tell the midwife was surprised that I was only 8 weeks.

Typing this, I know it sounds ridiculous. It makes me really sad that so much of my life is dictated by something that I had no control over. But I can't see how I can ever be that person who doesn't care. I'm saving for a tummy tuck.

I have a collection of uterine fibroids which make me look pregnant.

Annoying but not painful now I'm older.

Perhaps others here have then too and have never been diagnosed?

I try to wear balconet style bras to push my chest up and out so it looks bigger and therefore my belly doesn't look so prominent.

Or wear baggy clothes.

I've had this too and know it makes you feel awful.

Worst was my own mother - phoned me after we had visited at Christmas to say she noticed I had a bump and did I have something to tell her? I couldn't believe it - I was a size six at the time, and my youngest was only 9 months old. My back was knackered from carrying him around (he was a chonk!) so my posture was bad. Apparently she'd already told her sisters I was expecting again!! FFS!!!!

Happened to me while I was drinking wine.

It’s rude to be asked that question and for that man to ask in front of everyone is unbelievably rude. I don't know what the perfect response is.

I find it annoying how people ask me if I’m going to have another baby. It’s none of their beeswax.

What @Holluschickie said. Even when I was a size 8 people would ask when I was due. I’m just fat works well. DH always says “don’t mention a woman’s pregnancy unless she is pushing a baby out”

YANBU OP it makes you feel awful. I had this when I was slimmer but had a tummy. I'm a bit plumper now and get it less as I'm probably more in proportion... for now, as I'm trying to lose weight. I also have a please offer me a seat badge for commuting as I have issues with my legs (hence some of the weight!) and some people assume it must be a variant of the baby badge and say things. Even when I am limping and wincing.

I am polite if they've misinterpreted the badge but people who do it any other time get a very blank, look and a rather heavily delivered "I'm not pregnant" or "no, just fat". Someone who made more oblique "congratulations" references got "I don't know what you mean". Someone who asked when visiting an old work place of mine - who was a fat bastard himself actually- got told off by my male colleague. I had been more polite with this guy as I knew him and I don't think he meant any harm by it but my colleague was very cross on my behalf!

I usually aim for my reply to be the verbal equivalent of a very hard slap in the chops though. Wait a beat, look at them intently and say it slightly contemptuously. I want people to feel embarrassed and to know they've offended so they won't do it again. Unless someone has told you they're pregnant or has the badge etc, just don't go there!

In my old job which was home visits I was wearing a loose top.
All of a sudden patient said wow I just saw you baby move please sit down you can't keep standing. I stupidly didn't say anything.

Next day I got an email apoligising for her outburst and moaning to someone in 'my condition' and offering me some of her old baby stuff!!!

I was mortified so I feel your pain op. I was fat though and still am. :(

I get this all the time!

I've been offered seats on trains.

I went for a massage the other week and the receptionist asked when I was due. Obviously I explained I wasn't and I've got lots of children already and just haven't lost the tummy weight

She kept apologising and apologising. I said it was fine not a problem.
Then the therapist called me in and the receptionist was still apologising. This then prompted the therapist to ask what happened. Then I had to say in front of everyone in the reception area that the receptionist thought I was pregnant when I'm not. Que everyone in the waiting area looking at my belly.
I was just mortified and wanted the receptionist to just shut up with her apologies as she was making it worse.

I often see other people looking at my tummy and trying to work out if I'm pregnant. One mum was quite subtle and asked if I was going planning to have anymore children. I thought that was quite well played.

I also had this happen to me in a workout class. The lady was showing us some moves and said to me 'lady at the back in blue this exercise isn't safe for you so do this one as an alternative'. I said 'oh ok why?'
Then she says because it's not a good for pregnant women.
Obviously I then had to explain in front of the whole class that I wasn't pregnant.
She said sorry it must have just been the way your T-shirt is hanging.
I was so embarrassed. I was at the back because i don't like attention drawn to myself.

This is why I don't go to group exercise classes. Last time I went to yoga the instructor thought my abdominal muscles were tense and bunched up (I wish it was that!) and she requested permission to touch me but was then pushing down on it (gently) but obviously getting nowhere. She didn't say anything thank god, but I never went again 😬

This is interesting - I can see how weights would tone your arms and legs, but how do they make a difference to your stomach? What kinds of exercises are you doing?

Sympathy OP - I have a similar body type, think a male classmate first commented I looked pregnant when I was in my bathing suit at 12 years old, and the comments have just kept coming over the years - really painfully now, as I would like to be pregnant and am not and have never been. I’m not dismissing your feelings, but maybe try to be grateful that you do at least have kids, and even if the comments do make you feel self-conscious about your body they could still be hitting a lot more painfully than they are.

I love a Lena Dunham quote that is in one of the seasons of ‘Girls’, where someone starts talking to her (actually about something else) and she interrupts them very politely and graciously with ‘and before you ask, no I am not pregnant, I appreciate my body type is very confusing’. I love how self—accepting it is and I sort of think that’s the way to handle it, honestly.