To tell the next person who asks if I'm pregnant to F OFFFFFF!

[Definitelymaybebaby1]

I'm mid 30s - even as a young person I had skinny legs, no bum to speak off and a pot belly - and now 3 kids later it's more prominent. I'm about a size 12/14 overall but I know my figure is imbalanced with a bigger belly than you would expect for my frame. When I lose weight I get smaller all over but maintain the same proportions. It's just my bloody body! I hate it. Of course. Would I be a product of the 90s diet culture if I didn't?

I've recently started a new job I'm excited about, and part of it involves delivering a training course every 4 weeks. I share research and information on how to best work with children who have been abused to other professionals in children's services. I'm passionate about it and feel like I'm good at it. 4 weeks ago, on the first course, I was in the flow of my presentation and at the break some arse man said loudly in front of everyone "oh and is that a little bump? How lovely, when are you due?" I shut him down and left the room to cry in the toilet. I lost my flow and confidence for the day. I told my boss after (which was very embarrassing) but she was supportive agreed he was a thoughtless arse, really talked me around.

Yesterday, second run of the course with a different group of attendees and a lovely-seeming woman with four kids of her own who works in the same sector as me said to me "and how long have you got left at work?" with a smile and look down at my tummy. I said "I finish at 5" and went to my car to car and scream.

I feel like I cannot stand up in front of another group of people and do this course again. I am crawling of out my skin with self consciousness and won't be able to concentrate on what I want to stay for feeling like everyone is analysing my body. Why do people feel like they can say this?! I thought everyone knows it's a no go conversation but clearly everyone is so sure I am, that they think it's ok to say. I want to do my presentation from behind a screen or via an AI avatar next so I can just do my f'ing job without having to be judged for how I look.

I think @iwentjasonwaterfalls has got it right with "I can't believe I have to say this in an adult learning environment, but recent courses suggest I do - no personal comments about anyone else in the room. This includes their body, clothing, etc".

I would perhaps just add “never make assumptions about anyone or make comments that are not invited”.

How horrible for you, people really are thoughtless. I would cry too.

I think the idea of addressing inappropriate comments is a good one.

I literally could've written this post.
In the past year I've had 4 people ask if I'm pregnant or make comments alluding to me being pregnant.
The first 2 didn't really bother me because the two women are a bit scatty.
The second 2 were in the past few days. One was a nurse and the other was a GP!!!!

I have crap posture and a mum tum. Sick of giving people the hard stare!!!

This happens to me all the time. I've got some gynae ishoos that I'm very pissed off about and obviously it makes me incredibly self-conscious. Someone actually argued with me the other day at work, when I said a flat 'no' and kept on walking. She was directing her incredulous 'NO?!' to my back 😳

Good god! 😯

I have this exact issue. I used to be smiley and jokey about it, but now I just flatly say "I'm not pregnant."

People need to learn to not make assumptions.

That is absolutely outrageous. If you are able to email her then I would and would put her straight about how upset she's made you

I think this is a good way to head it off and a good point too. People in the work environment should be being professional and unless you know you never assume someone's pregnant or ask them about it. Ive got lifelong issues with my bowel which along with how I naturally carry fat contribute to a very pregnant looking belly. Its lovely getting asked how far along you are when you haven't been pregnant for nearly a decade. People really shouldn't ever assume or ask about pregnancy unless its a medically necessity to do so. Its really hurtful and I get why you got really upset OP. I know I look 5 months pregnant, I know Im fat, I don't need anyone telling me these things.

Urgh no advice here, just sympathy 💐 I used to work with elderly people who asked me this all the time (one of them jiggled my belly) then because they had dementia they'd forget my answer and ask me the same thing again the next time they saw me. I now work with people with learning disabilities and have had questions like "are you pregnant or just fat?" and had one of them say I needed to go to a doctor about my tummy, after I told them I wasn't pregnant. You do have to make some concessions for those client groups, but it doesn't stop it from being so hurtful!
I think the worst time was when a counsellor I was seeing, who I had told about both DH's fertility problems and my self esteem issues re weight, opened up the session by asking me "have you got news for me?" asking me if I was pregnant, then telling me I'd gained weight. She did not understand why I was so incredibly offended.

I think you need a response ready to fire out when necessary. To the man at the conference I would have said in a patronising voice ‘No it’s not a little bump you can see there, it’s a little belly. But thanks for mentioning it. Right moving on, god that’s really made me lose my train of thought!’ You need to start embarrassing the people that say it and not for you to feel ashamed.

I can imagine a lot of older women perhaps mentioning it out of nothing but interest but as a standard response I would say ‘Pardon? What do you mean?’ Get them to spell it out and for them to feel awkward.

It’s so thoughtless op.
People need to think before they open their mouths. For all they know you could have had a late miscarriage.

I would definitely remind people not to ask personal questions.

The thing is, I don't think she meant any harm. She just wanted to share in my happy news 😬. But yes, I am so fed up of it really. I'm considering various ways to try and address the situation. Thanks for your sympathy/understanding, I appreciate it!

Ugh, it's awful when people do that
I am usually hourglass shape but I have endo and swell up like a balloon which makes my stomach huge

I think your choices are to decide not to care what other people think or do what you can to reduce your belly. Whether they mention it or not they will still be thinking it (why do people think about strangers' bodies so much? No idea - people are idiots).

You have my sympathies. Even as a child when I was as skinny as anything I had a pot belly. For me I think it’s a combination of not much natural muscle mass, weak core, natural standing posture and tendency to carry weight around my middle.

But the times when I’ve been asked ‘when my baby is due/do I have happy news to share’ are all individually burnt into my memory. It’s very hurtful. It’s also difficult to always have a quick or cutting response as often it’s been in a situation like making conversation at a wedding where it wouldn’t be helpful to make the other person feel uncomfortable.

I think it seems so hurtful and difficult to handle as it normally happens in a social situation where randomly pointing out some has a fat bum or fat thighs would be unthinkable, but somehow it’s on you to smooth things over just after you’ve been unexpectedly insulted. Imagine that guy saying in front of other people, ‘Is that a fat bottom I can see?’ it just wouldn’t happen.

Thanks to the pp for the link to strength training. I am going to have a look at that.

I've always had a pot belly, it's a normal body shape .3 dc and a hernia later, and I permanently look like I'm in early pregnancy, despite being a size 12 and sort of toned everywhere else.

You don't need to change your body , but some it can't hurt to have some retorts ready

' How long have you got left? ' or 'when do you finish work? ' - ' I'm hoping to finish before I'm 65'

' do you want to stand up front and we'll comment on your body? No? Didn't think so'

' I can't imagine that any news I could possibly have would ever be any of your business '

Happens to me regularly too. I have an abdominal separation so no matte lr my weight I have a round belly.
I thought at almost 50 I was old enough for people not to think I was pregnant. Its happened twice in the last 2 weeks and I also had 1 of them argue with me when I said no.
Years ago I'd try and tell people not to worry when they were mortified they'd said it but now I don't, I day no, I'm just fat and let them feel uncomfortable, might make them think twice next time

It took me quite a long time to understand why a long-gone GM (after 6 children) was 😱 at the thought of ever going out without her corsets on.

Yes I have abdominal separation too. I mentioned it to a friend once (we were talking about weight so it was not a random thing) and she said to me 'You really should get a tummy tuck'.

She's larger than me and a similar body shape so I was just- confused and shocked. (And slightly pissed off).

I have diastasis recti and a hernia. I actually need surgery to repair mine but it's seen as cosmetic on the NHS so I need to save the 12grand for it. I get lots of backpain and have been advised by the gp to avoid so many activities to not make the gap wider. Things like don't pick up your children 🙈 swimming running so much.

So I'm size 10/12 all over but looking massively like I'm pregnant. I hide it in swing tops and smock dresses. Although it looks like I'm in maternity wear. You have my sympathies it's very mentally draining anticipating the comments. I cant easily explain it in a witty remark and shouldn't have to. There is an amount of misplaced shame that I'm to blame for "letting myself go"

I may or may not have abdominal separation ( 2 DC, natural births with a lot of pushing). How does one know?

Really awful the way people are so keen to recommend serious surgery like tummy tucks to others. Do over weight people get the same amount of advice? ( I don't know so am asking).

I am the same dress size as you, and have a bloated tummy area due to pelvic congestion syndrome, so I completely empathise.

The comments you have received are unacceptable.

From a practical perspective, things that might help:

• Fixing your posture
• wearing clothes that skim over the tummy - basically anything with a fitted waist above the tummy. Nothing that clings
• wearing control/support garments (these help me with posture too as my abdominal muscles are weak)

There are some outfits (eg fitted bodycon style dress, a cotton top with low-waist trousers) which I would never dream of wearing because I would simply look pregnant. There are other outfits like a flowy sundress with shirred bodice where my tummy isn’t visible at all, and I look quite slim (ish!).

For your own peace of mind, I would do all you can to minimise it. You can’t stop people from being thoughtless. You can only dress in an ambiguous way so they would not see enough of a “bump” to comment.

If you google diastasis recti check it should show you how to lay down and lift you head if you see doming in your stomach it suggest you have a separation. You might be able to fit a finger/fingers inside and feel it the depth and width of the separation. Physio can help but it needs to be maintained forever as it will always be a weakness.

Thank you @MightyGoldBear.

This - great advice. But your HR team needs to deal with this.

In my university this would be a disciplinary offence.