To tell the next person who asks if I'm pregnant to F OFFFFFF!

[Definitelymaybebaby1]

I'm mid 30s - even as a young person I had skinny legs, no bum to speak off and a pot belly - and now 3 kids later it's more prominent. I'm about a size 12/14 overall but I know my figure is imbalanced with a bigger belly than you would expect for my frame. When I lose weight I get smaller all over but maintain the same proportions. It's just my bloody body! I hate it. Of course. Would I be a product of the 90s diet culture if I didn't?

I've recently started a new job I'm excited about, and part of it involves delivering a training course every 4 weeks. I share research and information on how to best work with children who have been abused to other professionals in children's services. I'm passionate about it and feel like I'm good at it. 4 weeks ago, on the first course, I was in the flow of my presentation and at the break some arse man said loudly in front of everyone "oh and is that a little bump? How lovely, when are you due?" I shut him down and left the room to cry in the toilet. I lost my flow and confidence for the day. I told my boss after (which was very embarrassing) but she was supportive agreed he was a thoughtless arse, really talked me around.

Yesterday, second run of the course with a different group of attendees and a lovely-seeming woman with four kids of her own who works in the same sector as me said to me "and how long have you got left at work?" with a smile and look down at my tummy. I said "I finish at 5" and went to my car to car and scream.

I feel like I cannot stand up in front of another group of people and do this course again. I am crawling of out my skin with self consciousness and won't be able to concentrate on what I want to stay for feeling like everyone is analysing my body. Why do people feel like they can say this?! I thought everyone knows it's a no go conversation but clearly everyone is so sure I am, that they think it's ok to say. I want to do my presentation from behind a screen or via an AI avatar next so I can just do my f'ing job without having to be judged for how I look.

Oh it's so crap isn't it? I'm prone to severe bloating due to a myriad of food intolerances and I've been asked this more times than I care to remember. I've gone from polite correction to just being really rude, because they're beginning the conversation by being incredibly rude to you so why not respond in kind?

Alternatively just going "sorry what do you mean?" just playing completely dumb, and forcing them to explain out loud why they were looking at your body and making assumptions about it is a good way to really embarrass them.

They are the ones who should be embarrassed, not you. I'm so sorry this has knocked your confidence so much.

The same person who argued with me that I must be pregnant went on to suggest I get a tummy tuck, honestly imagine if I'd said why don't you get a nose job or something similar it's awful to comment on people's appearance like that

I usually say, ‘Oh, I’m not pregnant, just fat,’ which ensures that they are the one squirming with embarrassment, not me.

I used to get this a lot, turns out I have IBS!

But she isn't fat is she it's her shape.

Yanbu.
I once had a woman direct me to the pregnant ladies queue in a clothes shop in Crete.Ive got ibs and was bloated.I was so upset.

Just to add I think a fast track queue for pregnant women is a great idea but God I was gutted

"Are you pregnant?"

"No, but you look like you are, when are you due?"

Even it's a bloke, turn the question around on them.

I get this too, after multiple pregnancies and diastasis recti, plus perimenopause body changes. The fact that I am skinny everywhere else makes it stand out more!

Now I just say, “I’m not pregnant”, followed by silence to let them stew in their own embarrassment. I no longer see it as my responsibility to make a joke or apologise for my body. They are the ones making totally unnecessary comments about my appearance and they need to own that. It is so hard not to feel self conscious and hurt but I do my best to develop a thick skin about it and bounce those negative feelings straight back to the person making the comments. I accept that sometimes it isn’t meant unkindly but, ffs, I am sick of it being seen as acceptable to comment on women’s bodies AT ALL. I just want to exist in my skin without my appearance being up for judgement, good or bad.

I think strength/resistance training and core muscle training is really important for women anyway, regardless of body shape. The MUTU system is great for core strength at any age and really simple to do at home. You have to pay (some NHS trusts actually prescribe it) but they have sales several times a year.

And dressing to minimise attention on your belly if that’s what you want. Yes, you shouldn’t have to, but if it gives you the confidence to do a job that you are great at and enjoy, then so be it. I find blazers, boxy cardigans and similar work well over skimming tops or dresses to make my belly less obvious.

I also love the suggestion of reminding people at the start of a training session that comments on people’s bodies and appearance are not appropriate.

Good luck, OP, and take heart if you can that the problem is most definitely with them and not you.

It is outrageous, I live in fear of someone saying this to me as I have a big belly too. Fortunately I haven't encountered anyone that rude yet, but any adult should know it is rude to ask.

I like the advice about the housekeeping slide mentioned, then if anyone ever asks you again you can reply "no, and can I please remind you not to make personal comments as per slide 1."

*Have you got a "housekeeping" slide at the start of any training presentation or video, or do you have the time to show a housekeeping slide at all? The usual about toilets are located x, mobile phone policy during the course and, if you feel up to it, a tongue in cheek comment along the lines of "I can't believe I have to say this in an adult learning environment, but recent courses suggest I do - no personal comments about anyone else in the room. This includes their body, clothing, etc".

It might be vague enough not to make you feel like you're drawing attention to where you're feeling insecure, but stern enough to make them think twice before making any comments.*

Have you been gp? Could it be intolerance or ibs?

Commiserations - same body type here. The ‘no personal comments’ advice is good.

This is silly but you know what sometimes cheers me up - classical/Renaissance/generally old art. Lots of women with small boobs and big tummies being held up as the beauty ideal!

Stand in front of a full length mirror and see
What your posture is like when you are addressing an audience.

Standing upright will help.

Also look at underwear that is non constricting but help smooths your stomach areas.

A slip under a dress is very good.

I've had people ask me a few times as well:
Once someone said "you're obviously pregnant" and when I said I wasn't at all, she replied "oh. Are you on medication that makes you fat?"
I could've punched her.

I think sadly that esp in the mans case it was a "put down"Very rude and sexist of him .Probably pissed off that hes not giving the talks. I would never ask this question!Some of these suggestions are great! No comments on anyone elses weight /body /skin !

Say “I don’t understand, what do you mean…” then keep asking till they either have to spell it out which shows how rude they are or they cotton on and shut up!

She argued about whether you were pregnant? Words fail me.

This.

Have at the tip of your tongue, "No matter how well intended, those kinds of comments can get you in trouble with HR".

Or the disclaimer at the start about personal comments.

Yep, done this before too and found it worked a treat 😁

I can’t imagine crying about it personally.

I went through a period when l felt absolutely cursed with people asking if I was pregnant. I had no idea what set it off but within a few weeks I’d had multiple people asking me. The first time I was really shocked and actually the school mum who asked me was really embarrassed and has barely spoken to me since (I’m assuming she is still mortified).

I found that saying I was fat often shot it down. I’m not fat. But it was enough to embarrass them. I could think of a few more things to say that would really embarrass them too if it ever happens again.

I would have a phrase ready to turn the humiliation back where it’s deserved. I always wonder how stupid a person must be to say something like this to someone they barely know.

I have the same problem OP! Always used to say “nah I’m just fat” but now I say, “are you kidding, how old do you think I am? I’m nearly 50! Thanks for thinking I look young enough to have kids, but I’m waaaaay past that.”

People are always so embarrassed by what they said, I find if I laugh and make them feel silly i gain the upper hand.

I learnt years ago never to ask anyone if they are pregnant. As a teenager I had a job in a sweet shop and worked with another girl who was well known for saying inappropriate things. A lady came in and bought a large consignment of chocolate. The other girl was ringing up her bill and asked when her baby was due. The woman's face turned to thunder and she answered , I am NOT pregnant!! The teenage me found this quite amusing and was trying not to laugh. My colleague then uttered the immortal words; oh so you have been eating too much chocolate then!!
I just collapsed in a heap of laughter, the woman demanded to see the manager and he waived the price of the chocolate and apologised profusely. My colleague and I got an earful off the boss and threatened with dismissal if it ever happened again .I'm still in touch with the other girl, 50 years on and every time we speak I remind her of the incident 😬

I've had that too, when I was still of child bearing age. Not directly but ' and have you got News?' Asked in an excited manner when we'd been discussing someone else's pregnancy.
Just said Nope. No news.

I have to be careful what I wear. I don't wear dresses and wear either skirt and top or trousers and top.

Another one who's slim but always had a bit of a paunch and bad posture : I absolutely love the idea of saying "”Thank you Dave for demonstrating why it’s so important in work settings to not comment on other people’s physical appearance. It’s rude, and can land you in trouble with HR”":

When I was younger I either used to say "that's my lunch", or if I was feeling bolshy I'd perfect a sad look and mutter about infertility or miscarriage : make the asker feel really bad so they never asked someone who had indeed suffered either of those.

I shall be checking out the exercises!