AIBU to give up trying to get toddler in a pram?

[AnnaCBi]

My toddler is intensely wilful and extremely strong. She’s not yet 2, but I physically cannot get her in the pram when she doesn’t want to. I have hired a sleep/ behaviour consultant (originally was for sleep, But her behaviour has got really tricky recently) who simply can’t understand how I cannot get her in. She will be coming to see, but for now she says ‘I’ve never not been able to get a child in a pram in 40 years’. Even with my husband helping we cannot do it. Am I unreasonable for thinking this to be impossible and give up? I try so hard. It is also entirely on her whim as to whether I can change her nappy, it’s so so tricky! When she runs away I cannot pin her down to do it. So should I give up? Am I unreasonable to think I need to just find other ways to leave the house?

Did you try head between your legs and over each arm bent over legs sit and wait until calm then two free hands for eye and drops?

I do find MN a bit strange on this. Talk of sleep training a similarly aged child would have talk of trauma and Romanian orphanages but forcing an unwilling, screaming child into a pushchair is marvellous parenting!

Obviously there’s times where you have to insist on something but equally I wouldn’t force them to do something they hate unless I had to.

A knee in the chest and quickly doing the straps always worked for my tricky one.
It's great to be kind, gentle, negotiating and positive when you can (or stubborn and wait them out) but sometimes you NEED them to do stuff, whether it's getting in the pushchair because you have to be somewhere fast, or brushing their teeth because, not doing do will lead to far more trauma when they have to filled or drilled etc etc.

I carried out my planking screaming unreasonable toddler a fair few times. My other children..no they were not of that nature, but DS1 WAS, and it was hard but necessary. And needless to say he can't remember being a planking shrieking 2 year old!

I also think it IS important that toddlers know that when it comes down to it YOU are in charge, not them, for several reasons..1) they are not capable of rational decision making (esp re nappies or teeth) 2) they actually need the security of NOT being in charge 3) when they get to school nursery at 3, they are going to be in for a rough ride if they can't tidy up when asked, are expected to listen and are always used to things going their way!

@Anxiousheartbeat nobody is judging you and even if they are it doesn't matter what they think, I know it's hard when kids are screaming the place down but trying to keep calm yourself really helps.

You just carry on on ignore the stairs once he realises it makes no difference they stop doing it. Point out anything of interest etc I start with an I understand your upset about x but we have to later on we're doing x y z and try to get response and interest but no more comments about the temper.

Which bit don't you have to do....teeth, nappy, school run, shop?

Actually it is about choice, but not a yes or no choice.

What they crave is choice and autonomy and that's why they behave like this. They have just discovered that they have some power to affect what happens to them
You distract them with a different choice.

Instead of putting their shoes on, or asking them to put their shoes on you give them a choice of the blue shoes or the pink shoes.

Or it might be do you want me to do brush you teeth or are you. Do you want blue toothpaste or white. Or even choose a Teddy to take with you.

One of the ways to head off the tantrum is distraction ....so immediately before trying to strap them into the pram ask them something they need to think about....do you think its sunny outside, how many dogs do you think we will see.

He’s my third child and I didn’t have it with the other 2 at this age. He’s so unbelievably stubborn and it has become a “pick your battles”
thing.

I do care when people are glaring at me and my child is screaming on the school run. And I do care that he’s screaming and upset. I don’t think there’s a “right”/“wrong” here like there is with brushing teeth and bathtime
etc which is probably why I haven’t persevered enough.

but equally he may just never stop screaming and it’s a waste of both our nerves

It isn’t about not having to do them @jannier (although if I had a toddler who hated the pushchair but had an alternative I’d go with that: I appreciate some people don’t though.) It is the way the first choice for a lot of people is to fight a child into submission that I don’t really like. So your child is refusing to go into the car seat - obviously you can’t not have them not in the car seat, but having it as a source of pride that you forced them in is a bit strange as well.

No I don't think we did...it was a long time ago now. From the age of 9 months we did 3 or 4 courses...by the end I could do it myself but I don't think I did it that way.

This is my issue. It would make my life a lot easier to not have to carry him everywhere but it’s not an essential thing.

I never see anyone else’s toddler screaming like this in the buggy and I always just feel like shit/desperate not to do it again.

What did you use as an alternative to the buggy?

We live in the arse end of nowhere @Anxiousheartbeat so didn’t really need the pushchair much as you have to drive pretty much everywhere. My first didn’t actually mind the pushchair but my second doesn’t like it: she tolerates in short bursts but I can’t just cart her around as I once did. My first wouldn’t tolerate reins though which is another MN fail.

Sorry I misunderstood what you meant! If my toddler hated the pushchair but was OK in the car seat I’d drive rather than walk personally for example. Those trikes are pretty good. But as you know from your third children are so different! My first hated high chairs and was frantically trying to escape from them from the offset. Life is so much better now they can just sit on a regular chair at a cafe or whatever!

It’s so weird how they just randomly take against something!

Give her your phone on YouTube in the pram. We resorted to this for my head strong independent daughter who would insist on dressing herself at 18 months regardless if it took 3 hours or not. The pram soon became known as the go go chair - some cartoon and was fine thereafter

Yes I basically have to drive everywhere with him and then feel shit when I see all the real parents pushing toddlers in the buggy getting fresh air and wish it was me

I was asking for tips, or whether others have given up. I wasn’t asking for you to make sweeping judgments on my parenting as a whole. Congrats if your aim was to make someone cry today.

The teeth she just closes her mouth, I do usually manage to get it done ish. holding hands, I usually take reigns, we don’t live in a very busy area, and we don’t walk far, so usually she will walk next to me on the inside and I grab her when we cross a road.

Oh I wouldn’t worry about that. I’m sure you do plenty of parks and so on and besides the weather is rubbish here - might not be where you are. I don’t think sitting in a pushchair is necessarily good for toddlers to be honest. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t beneficial either.

What about getting a buggy board so she can stand on it while you push the pram and you have somewhere to put your shopping?

Yes mine throws herself and drops her shoulders so she’s really hard to hold onto! I am trying to find ways that work for her, which is why I’ve asked AIBU to give up… I dont want to give up if it would be a bad idea in the long run (also we can’t totally as my hus has to drop off using the pram)

im
prgenant so I’m actually hoping to utilise buggy board he’s just not 2 yet so worried he won’t be able to hold on but worth trying for sure!

I feel for you. The times I’ve wrestled her in I’ve had the nursery receptionists and various parents as an audience and it’s truly awful. At the end of it I’m exhausted and sweating. The screams when you’re walking down the street are awful too!

Our 2.5 yo is the same. We got used to be "the parents with the screaming toddler", and it is getting better (he calms down quicker).

Maybe the issue is your pushchair if you can strap her down, I imagine some are easier than others? We struggle at times and have to pin him down, but so far it never happened that we couldn't strap him in.

We have a buggy board as well, and are very strict now with behaviour when we go out. I think we were trying to "negotiate" or "motivate" him too much at the beginning. So either he walks or stay on the board depending on how fast we need to go, or he goes in the pushchair - 1 warning and that's it.
If he tries to sit on the ground and refuse to come, I just pick him and carry him on the side for a bit - he hates it lol, and it's easier for me.

For the nappies it was probably never as bad as you, we rarely had to pin him down. Asking him if he wants to stand or lie down works quite well, dummy or other distraction too. And I try to always change him/getting him immediately when he gets out of bed, later on it's harder.

I think that generally once he learned he didn't have a choice and it will happen one way or another, he gives up a lot quicker so it's easier now than 6 months ago.