Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

So now the landlord of the rented property was covertly recording the OP on CCTV and the bank could have her evicted because the LL wasn't allowed rent it out?

Drip feeding increasingly unrealistic information and antagonistic posts - this is all bullshit.

The first time I've seen a romance scam on Mumsnet. However, I know a bit about chainsaws (one of the many advantages of being Canadian) and the most expensive one in the STIHL catalog is $2420, which is about £1400.

https://www.stihl.ca/en/p/chainsaws-ms-881-122436

So, I think when the poor guy was saying he couldn't help you any more, he was exaggerating the price.

Don't you feel ashamed that you begging so much that your target has to exaggerate his expenses and plead poverty?

But it's a long distance relationship your not his wife or mother to his kids etc etc and he has helped previously.

Right. AIBU? 98% yes. No I am not!

I think from what you've written he's more likely to think after 31 pages of your vitriol, "thank god she's going to leave me".

Please don’t apologise for me, I stand by my comments. I also took the time to post lots of suggestions for getting help which the OP has chosen to ignore along with every other suggestion. She wants ppl to agree that her partner should be giving her money and bailing her out time and time again. If she can’t currently pay him what she owes how is she going to pay the 6 months upfront rent & how is she going to pay the rent thereafter?

yeah don't apologise for me either.

The OP is treating her so called partner dreadfully. She's on the make IMO The fact she is a woman and on Mn does not make me feel any sisterly bonding for her.

He's helped from the very, very beginning of this "relationship" by the sounds of the OP's timeline. It sounds like he helped her when he owed her nothing based on time spent together, mutual love and respect etc. There certainly does not sound like there is any love and respect from the OP towards the man now, nor any intention to want to live with him - and I know some partners don't, but then they have something bonding them together, a something I can't see in the OP's set up. Again, begging the question, what does the OP bring to the table?

And the other 2% accidentally hit the wrong button and don’t realise you can change it.

Worth all 852 posts to be rewarded with chainsaw porn 😍

It sounds to me like at best, the OP got into the relationship out of gratitude and at worst out of a desire to get as much of her gentleman friend’s money as possible.

Either way, she never really cared about him as a romantic partner and she is now deeply pissed off that he isn’t holding up his end of the ‘deal’ (that he didn’t know about and didn’t agree to).

In addition, it turned out that the landlord of rented property (which was let through a "professional" letting agent) had no legal consent from their mortgage lender to let the property at all, and I therefore could be forcibly evicted at any moment by their mortgage lender, with zero notice. I was also being unlawfully recorded by the landlord on covert CCTV cameras. So I then had to move home again and try to secure another property.

This doesn't make sense.

How, as a tenant @Mochachoc , would you be aware of the landlord's financial circumstances - ie his mortgage contract?

Did the landlord let that slip?

Did the 'professional' letting agent tell you?

I doubt either did as it wasn't in their interests.

Your running him down but happy to take his money

@Mochachoc I think your partner is unreasonable to dangle the carrot of a secure home and financial support when he knows how precarious your financial position is. It is cruel to offer support to someone who is desperate if you don’t intend to go through with it, or make them beg for it. This is not a nice character trait and a bit of a red flag.

He isn’t under any obligation to support you though and should be honest if he doesn’t want to help you financially any longer. At least you would know where you stand and could plan accordingly.

Given your relationship only started when he ‘came to your rescue’ I would look at getting some employment alongside your own business if possible. It would be interesting to see how the relationship pans out when you are financially independent. I suspect having this control is part of the appeal; he likes being the knight in shining armour but doesn’t actually like paying for it!

I agree. It’s very cruel when you think about it. And if I had been with someone for that length of time, would I fuck watch them become homeless and not have enough money for food to eat.

OP, was this sent from your iphon? 👀

So he has been giving you money right from the moment you met. There used to be a word for money in return for a relationship

No it’s not financial abuse, you need to take immediate steps to improve your financial situation.

The fact is your boyfriend of 4.5 years has done more than most boyfriends have, no matter what your relationship is, you are not entitled to any of his income/wealth

if he chooses to ends the relationship tomorrow, then sadly from what you’ve described, you’d be up shit creek.

The fact you’re facing homelessness again and he hasn’t asked you to move in with him, says a lot about the relationship, distance or not!

That’s not even mildly amusing because the OP isn’t stalking this man - she’s been with him for over 4 years. So I’m really unsure why people are saying it reminds them of a programme featuring a stalker (who did not extort money). Odd.

Surely that depends on how much he has already given her that has not been paid back. There's every prospect he will never see that money again. Would you advise a female friend in the same circumstances to carry out lending money to a man in a long distance relationship who has no obvious means to repay, and who brings nothing much else to her life (and talks about her with the contempt the OP is talking about her BF)? We'd call it cocklodging on MN, wouldn't we? Except that he doesn't even want the lodging part, just the money.

You don’t find the level of delusion and entitlement to be similar? I haven’t posted on that point but that’s why I’ve been mentally agreeing with the various posts.

Other people may have different reasons of course.

What carrot is he dangling? The fact that he will leave her money? Most of his money is in property should he sell it to give yo the Op?

He has been loaning Op money as and when she wants it.

I don't believe for a second you would keep giving more and more money to a long distance partner either as a gift or a loan that's never been paid back. And if you would you are naive at best.

What about Ops responsibility to herself?

Have only read the OPs posts and I am absolutely gobsmacked. There is not one word in any of them where she accepts any responsibility for her own circumstances. It’s all someone else’s fault. Absolutely no self reflection or awareness whatsoever. If she isn’t a troll, then this is classic narcissistic personality disorder in my opinion.

Thank goodness he has seen the light and decided to buy a chain saw instead of giving OP another 'loan'.

You're too old now OP to throw your toys out of the pram just because someone says 'no'.