Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

You have a distorted way of thinking op I think your very unwell tbh.

Is it Liz Truss perhaps?

Have you paid back any of the loaned money?

I would be very hesitatant to loan more money when you have already spent current loan, and lost your house with current business. Also it seems very regular.

In addition, it turned out that the landlord of rented property (which was let through a "professional" letting agent) had no legal consent from their mortgage lender to let the property at all, and I therefore could be forcibly evicted at any moment by their mortgage lender, with zero notice. I was also being unlawfully recorded by the landlord on covert CCTV cameras. So I then had to move home again and try to secure another property.

This is absolutely BS, not only from a factual point of view but also legally!

Ok not going to bash you. Just ask you some logical questions.

However I am going to work on the premise that you understand the legal responsibilities within a relationship.

Marriage is first and foremost a legal contract where two people agree to join everything they have together. That is very simplistic as there are caveats to that statement that I won't bore you with. But in essence that's what it is.

A non married relationship carry's different obligations ONLY if there are children. When the other parent is legally required to pay the other parent for their child's support. That's it. Nothing for the other patent ONLY for the child.

You are not married and do not have children with this man. Therefore there is no obligation to him in your support.

You talk about your self employment. It is clear it is insufficient to support you. Therefore the onus is upon you to seek state support.

You need to claim universal credit. Which will be enhanced as you say you have some level of PIp. Which means you will be either regarded as unable to work or able to work. If it's the former then you will be entitled to the health addition. If you are able to work then you need to stop self employment and get regular employment.

What is your current housing situation. ? You mentioned your partner was thinking about buying a btl for you to rent. ? Which hasn't happened. So where are you currently living ? Are you renting ? If so then you should get a housing allowance.
on your universal credit.

Therefore with PIP, wages and UC you will be in a good place to support yourself and not expect your partner's financial input . Which doesn't mean he can't help out if he wishes - but removes the obligation upon him to support you, which is neither legally or morally his responsibility.

Not really, no. If the show was about a gold digger then I’d see what you were trying to do. I can see absolutely no similarities between this and Baby Reindeer.

I have read more of the thread now and see few people have jokingly suggested this is a sugar-relationship.

OP I think you might actually want to take this into account, even if you don’t see the relationship that way yourself.

Essentially he is bankrolling you, and that is not an equal relationship. It does give each of you power over the other, and can become abusive. That’s why sugar-daddy setups usually come with clear ground-rules and expectations.

One of the key things to beware of is if the sugar-daddy keeps you dependent on them e.g. by objecting to you getting a job.

Just something to think through. Some men do enjoy the power in the sugar-daddy role.

Please can you answer the queries about how often you actually see each other in real life?

In a way, I almost feel sorry for @Mochachoc. Imagine meandering through life with such a colossal sense of entitlement. Life itself must be an endless litany of crushing disappointments when none of what you are convinced the world in general (and sugar daddies in particular) owes you, actually comes to pass.

It's enough to make a glass eye weep.

@Butchyrestingface i imagine this OP is very very lonely in life and i’d be surprised if she has a single friend

I do not permit you to apologise for me.

From what we've heard from the horse's mouth, I don't think this OP's "partner" would have any truck with her getting a job and earning her own way.

are you Liz Jones OP?

Because illness, disability and homelessness is generally not something somebody chooses in life, despite what your small uneducated mind tells you

It depends I think. I don’t think someone who has lost their home from being ill is what I’d term a cocklodger, male or female.
I’d also say it might be more complex than it first appears and I first thought cocklodger but now I’m not so sure. OP is desperate, having lost her home and struggling to find a rental property. He has substantial assets and earns well and helps her with a loan that then turns into a relationship (would this have happened if he hadn’t had the leverage of the loan?) and she then has to beg him for food money and sometimes he lends it to her, sometimes he doesn’t. I’m not so sure about it all and it reminds me a bit of those “sex for rent” blokes who take in desperate women who feel they don’t have any other options. Something feels a bit off and there’s a big financial power imbalance.

So how much is he required to give her? He’s been giving her money since before the relationship started, been regularly giving her money since (to the point he’s drained his savings), she makes no mention of repaying a penny and is complaining he won’t give her more.

At what point is he allowed to say ‘enough’?

If you've reacted to him the way you've reacted to the "annoying wasps" responding to a thread you decided to make, I'm not surprised he's "sulking in his man cave".

OP . . . one of the ways I use to sort out problems in my life is to turn the situation round the other way

So, just imagine, you are living in a house which you have inherited from your parents. You meet someone whose circumstances are not as secure as yours. That person asks you for financial help. You generously give them a loan. This is not paid back. Their situation worsens and they again ask you for help. You give them another loan. This is again not paid back.

This situation continues with the person constantly pleading poverty and begging for help. Sometimes you give in to their begging and give them yet another loan just to get the person off your back. At other times you stand firm and decide that the continual financial help is not appropriate because the begging and pleading is continuous, there is little chance of the loans being repaid and the person seems ungrateful for the help you have provided.

You carry on with your life and buy equipment for your house maintenance and/or hobby. The person takes offence that you have done this and shows no insight into the fact that you have really tried to help them but now feel used in a way that amounts to financial abuse.

You feel it is your money that you have either earned or inherited and it is yours to spend as you please

Does this help you see the situation from your partner's perspective?

You say he may be controlling and difficult to live with but you have no issue spending his money and asking him for more, then when he says no, or asks why you need more (of HIS money) you throw your toys out the pram. You are definitely being unreasonable and you sound like the financial abuser to be honest!

You need to budget and live within your means as we all have to. We’ve had a run of expensive things breaking down last month and having to be repaired or replaced, plus mortgage and utilities. We will now be paying for the unexpected things the rest of this year by spending less on food and we already don’t have holidays etc.

You cannot expect your friend to be bailing you out that’s definitely not fair on him.

He is allowed to do whatever he likes. He didn’t have to lend her anything and I have a niggling sense that maybe he lent her the money as a way of forming a relationship with her (because she is then indebted to him) and uses this as a form of control by sometimes helping her, sometimes not, making promises about buying houses but then changing his mind. She’s in a desperate position. If he doesn’t feel able to help her then he should have ended the relationship and walked away a long time ago.

@Mochachoc what are you going to do when your thread is full at 1000 posts?

No one thinks like you do.

You've come back to insult posters.
You've not given any details about your income, your work, your health, or engaged with practical suggestions like Step Change, CAB, local authority.

What exactly are you going to do next?

I can't understand how if you are unwell you spent an entire night on this site. Getting no sleep.

How?

How is this abuse? Why shoould
he pay for you to have luxury?

Why is that his problem! Be responsible for yourself

You don’t live together, you are not a team.