Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

[Whoswhoof]

very very loose acquaintance in a professional sense (I’m not a friend, and didn’t think she thought of me as such) invited me to her wedding last week. The wedding is later this year, she’s not been engaged very long. I only see her at work every few weeks.

I was quite taken back (I don’t even know her DPs name or how long they’ve been together, barely even know her if I’m honest) I threw both questions into the conversation they’ve been “together” 3 years due to him having an affair with her, and only OPENLY together less than a year. I was spared no detail in how the breakup went and how they’ve ended up together. Her DP sounds like an arse if I’m honest. Not that the affair is any of my business but it all just seems a bit icky.

tons of red flags but basically she now wants me at her wedding and wants to build a friendship. She says she doesn’t have many friends.

we are colleagues so it’s important I don’t damage the professional relationship.

more of a wwyd.

I went to a vague friend’s affair wedding. They’ve invited you because basically both parties have lost their friends due to behaving shittily. The wedding was full of work ‘friends’. By full, I mean about 20 people…

Just go , you might get laid and have fun

So are you defined solely by a job you used to do?

What a vile ignorant thing to say. You have no idea why she chose sex work, how dare you look down on her?! I have more respect for a woman owning her life choices than a snob.

seems a bit prejudiced of you to decline, because you dont approve.

Choosing to be a prostitute is hardly the a same as choosing to be a doctor or lawyer or supermarket worker, it's not a choice of job that a normal fully functioning woman would do above all other choices.
I certainly wouldn't want to get to know someone who had been a prostitute. People can look down on other people's life choices if they want and yes, not everyone is equal.

That’s not the type of person I’d really want to be friends with, for multiple reasons. I’d decline the invitation that you’re not available but thank her for inviting you.

thereafter, be cordial but don’t accept any invitations outside work. There’s always coffee while at work or lunch while she is in the office (lunch in work), but you never have to accept anything outside work.

Most women in the sex industry are there because a man has exploited them. Most also have complex vulnerabilities, for a range of reasons - abuse as a child is common, being in the care system, being targeted by someone in county lines, or just a straight paedophile, and groomed when young, all common. Getting out is very hard, and I admire any woman who has done so.

It's very, very rarely any sort of real choice.

Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with someone whose life is really complex because I am old, and tired, and have too many responsibilities already. I don't have the energy to spare. But I feel for her. I'm afraid from what the OP says the man sounds anything but a prize.

I work with a person who previously advised they don't socialise outside of work and I respect them for advising me off this.

What you mean is "I am in the privileged position of not being able to understand why anyone would actively choose sex work over stacking shelves so therefore anyone who does that is beneath me"

You are delightfully naive and quite stupid.

ETA ... She was not a prostitute, she was a sex worker. Also your assumption that she had other choices is, as above, naive.

Same excuse every time "Oooh, sorry I hardly even have time to see my own family, as outside of working full time(?), I'm full on with caring responsibilities / study / volunteering / have a quilt I'm finishing / organise events for my local BDSM club...." Whatever seems most believable. Then it's just one excuse, not lots of different ones which might get suspicious.

Don't pick something she might want to join in with though!

You're very defensive of this woman whose circumstances you know nothing about.
How do you know she didn't make an active choice to be a prostitute? If she's very upfront and open and tells almost complete strangers that she was an escort it would be extremely likely that such a person would reveal for example she had had addiction issues making her need to earn more money to pay for that addiction and had chosen prostitution as a way to earn that extra.
Why do you call her a sex worker, does that make it sound better to you somehow? The definition of a prostitute is someone who gets paid for engaging in sexual activity and that is what an escort does, therefore she was a prostitute.
I'm interested to know why you call me naive. This woman is in the UK where there is a welfare state, if she was unable to obtain any other type of employment she could have received benefits rather than resort to prostitution. Or maybe she did receive benefits and chose to add on some extra undeclared income from escorting, neither you nor I know.

It might not be "right" though but its how it will always be to some extent. It might not be any of my business if I didn't know the first wife/husband but most people do choose their friendships based on shared values as well as shared interests etc. And on a purely selfish level women that have affairs with married men are a "risk" to other peoples marriages. I know its on the other husbands, and its a matter of trusting your partner ultimately, but if you have an established. solid friendship circle of married couples then a potential affair-haver is not going to be that welcome. Even people who find themselves single through divorce/widowhood and haven't done anything wrong can find themselves dropped from coupled up friendship groups. That is really not right but it is humannature.

Just say 'sorry, I have loads of old friends that I can barely keep in contact with, I can't add any more to the list...."

I have a female relative who has been in a OW relationship with a married man for upwards of 32 years. She stays in every Sunday in case he gets out and rings her, away from his week. She's very judgemental and witchy about women's lifestyles, eg divorce or gay relationships. I once said to her ' People have been out campaigning for gay rights and women's rights BUT no one is out campaigning for women who have relationships with married men'.

I thought her head was going to pop off. OP, swerve it all - the wedding and lunch dates. Someone might think your integrity is like hers.

Not all escorts are sex workers. Your ignorance and prejudice shows right there.

However I, like you, took from the OP's post that she was a sex worker AND an escort.

Prostitute is a derogatory term that is considered offensive.

And yes I am defensive of any woman looked down on by others for their choice of work. It says worse things about you than it does about her. Put simply, you failed the waitress test.

ETA - I didnt say that she didnt make an active choice, I think she did. I said that perhaps the choices that would have been available to others in her situation (Doctor, Lawyer, Supermarket worker....your words.....) were not as easy for her as you would like to think.

I am genuinely glad that you are as ignorant as you are, it shows that you have not experienced the hardest side of life that many many people have. I pray that you never do.

I would probably just say you don’t get much free time and struggle fitting in your friends. Maybe invite her out with the larger group you socialise with ?

Could you start some rumours about her at work in the hope that she might leave? Perhaps start with something small an seemingly innocent like ‘I think that xx (escort woman) is the one who always leaves the used teabags out on the draining board… gross’ little things like that, then move onto slightly bigger rumours ‘so and so told me they saw xx taking other people’s food out of the fridge and sniffing it before putting it back… weird’ then ‘did you hear, Sandra from accounts saw xx coming out of the toilets and when she went in there was a big poo left in… er hello? There is a flush you know.’ As these rumours start getting back to her she will be forced to deny them but as you will have cleverly drip fed so many about her no-one will believe her. It’s at this point that you will be able to slip a half empty bottle of vodka into her desk drawer and then ‘discover’ it whilst pretending to look for a file. Make sure the whole office sees this and say something like ‘starting early xx?! HahahaHa’. HR will hear about this incident and xx will be given a disciplinary hearing, hopefully now she will be so demoralised that she will decide the only thing she can reasonably do is to hand her notice in and leave. And then you won’t have to have the awkward conversation about not wanting to go to her wedding. Hope this helps.

Whilst I appreciate it, I rather think that this will sail silently over most heads!

Do you write for the Eye by any chance?!

I reckon this was written by that bloke who wrote the monologue about the cream cracker and The Lady in the Van - I have forgotten his name. It’s brilliant. Especially if you imagine it being voiced by Thora Hird (one for the oldies).

Your patronising comments say a lot about you.
I've actually experienced terrible events in my life that the majority of people are fortunate never to have to go through, I have been made to encounter appalling things, but never mind, you carry on making assumptions and disparaging comments about strangers you know nothing about and perceive as knowing nothing about life's dreadful side, because it makes you feel better to think of yourself as woke and worldly-wise.
Calling prostitutes sex workers doesn't make it any more socially acceptable.
Bit of advice, rein in your comments about people being ignorant when you know absolutely nothing about them. People who've experienced a very hard life can still think that no decent woman chooses prostitution let alone tells work colleagues about it.
I stand by my comments that I would distance myself from such a person and wouldn't want to encourage a friendship with them.

Alan Bennett!

"Decent " to me means understanding and non judgemental. But I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that one.

Bit of advice...don't decide how people should define themselves. Sex workers find the term "prostitute " offensive and who the hell do you think you are to say that they are wrong?

That’s exactly what I’m thinking. It certainly fits given her history -former escort who likely had no problem dating rich Married men and now an affair partner. She sounds calculating. She has targeted OP strategically. And she has likely lost friends because of her overall attitude of being hyper focused on men to the detriment of women. That often filters down to friendships where they don’t treat their female friends well and see them as quite disposable.

Personally I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her as part of a group at work occasionally but I’d say no to one on one time and going to her wedding. She isn’t a friend I’d like to have around my me, my family and my other friends. Having had a friend with those morals cause havoc in my friendship circle in my 20s by sleeping with another friends partner I steer clear of drama . This woman sounds like she will eventually cause drama!

She's buttering you up to be a bridesmaid or maid of honour. Decline the invitation by booking a holiday for the week of her wedding and say your partner surprised you with it. Sorry can't attend and hope you have a lovely day. Job done.

@ISeriouslyDoubtIt still think that no decent woman chooses prostitution let alone tells work colleagues about it.

It's possible to understand though that while maybe no "decent" woman would choose prostitution, the vast majority of the women trapped in that world never chose it from a position of free will, but were tricked, manipulated or put into a situation where they though they had no choice. It can take incredible strength and courage to leave that world. So I wouldn't reject any friendship on those grounds.

However OP should still distance herself because it's simply unprofessional for the big boss to matey up with a juniot employee, no matter how interesting they are.