Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

[Whoswhoof]

very very loose acquaintance in a professional sense (I’m not a friend, and didn’t think she thought of me as such) invited me to her wedding last week. The wedding is later this year, she’s not been engaged very long. I only see her at work every few weeks.

I was quite taken back (I don’t even know her DPs name or how long they’ve been together, barely even know her if I’m honest) I threw both questions into the conversation they’ve been “together” 3 years due to him having an affair with her, and only OPENLY together less than a year. I was spared no detail in how the breakup went and how they’ve ended up together. Her DP sounds like an arse if I’m honest. Not that the affair is any of my business but it all just seems a bit icky.

tons of red flags but basically she now wants me at her wedding and wants to build a friendship. She says she doesn’t have many friends.

we are colleagues so it’s important I don’t damage the professional relationship.

more of a wwyd.

Even setting aside her past and the way her relationship with her future husband began, I'd feel very uncomfortable with an adult coming up to me and basically telling me we're going to be friends and see one another socially. Er, no thanks. That's not how friendship works.

You’re over-invested. When I saw the thread title, I assumed you’d been invited by the groom and were still friendly with his ex-wife - not that it was two people you barely know.

I do agree you shouldn’t go, though, for your sake and for hers. Any suggestions of favouritism or that she’s somehow your “mole” won’t do either of you any good. Politely decline and do whatever you’d do for anyone else in the company getting my married (card, collection, whatever).

It’s intriguing that you find escort work interesting. Why? You want to know about the kind of men who use escorts? What other services she offered them? Just what is so interesting about it?

Erm... why wouldn't I find it interesting? It's a world I know very little about and one which I imagine is replete with emotionally deep experiences. I'm a curious and open-minded person. I like to get to know people.

I mean, I get that your comment is meant to be critical of me, but I feel that it says a lot more about you that you can't be interested and curious about others' lives and experiences.

When you say 'emotionally deep' you do know that many, many sex workers (not saying all) experience trauma as part of their working lives as well as post and/or prior? There are few uncomplicatedly 'happy hookers' out there. And no, it isn't the same as being a burnt out accountant or underappreciated carer. You're sounding a bit voyeuristic.

Of course I get that. When did I say anything about 'happy hookers'? Wtf.

I'm saying she sounds like an interesting person. I'm also an interesting person who has experienced trauma and sexual trauma. I don't discount people as potential friends simply because they may have had some difficult experiences in life.

Ok but its a bit prurient and icky wanting to befriend because you're interested in an experience that you know is likely to have damaged them. Like 'ooh! A refugee! I'll invite him to dinner, I'm sure he's got a few interesting tales to liven things up for me!'.

It's not like that at all. If that's what you choose to believe, that's on you. I'm interested in people and choose not to pre-judge them. My life is pretty interesting, too, and I'm happy to meet and swap stories with others who are not on a conventional life path. We are not all stuck in some endless boring middle class dinner party.

It is actually not meant to be critical of you. I am as genuinely interested in your potential response as you are in the escort because it wouldn't be of that much interest to me. That might be because I have met several people who did that kind of work and found them to be no more or less interesting than any other woman I have ever met. They were just..well, normal iyswim.

I'm lucky enough to meet a lot of interesting people in the course of my life too - and from all backgrounds. I would not necessarily be drawn to someone because they had experienced similar traumas to myself (I attend groups intended for the healing of said traumas so encounter people with that experience all the time).

The reason I wouldn't want to be friends with the specific woman OP mentions is that there are several red flags in the op which point up things I try to avoid in life: people using me in various ways; being around someone who talks endlessly about an affair which hurt another person. I just wouldn't trust that they wouldn't be able to hurt me eventually. I have been burned too many times and can now see the signs. Each to their own, but I would have every right to make that choice, just as you have the right to make friends with whomsoever you wish and for whatever reason. And remember, this isn't real for us. We're just hypothesising here so no need to get all personal and throwing insults when asked a simple question out of interest.

Oh yawn. I literally just said she sounds like an interesting person and I'd be happy to get to know her to see if we could be friends.

Only on MN would that be construed as some kind of terrible character defect.

Regardless of any moral judgements here as there are always different sides to these situations but quite rightly you sound surprised to be invited as you don't really see her as a friend and it doesn't sound like you really want to be anyway?

No need to damage your working relationship; that can remain unchanged but going forward, avoid getting entangled in personal discussions.

As far as the invite is concerned, politely decline and apologise as you "forgot" you have a previous engagement/ weekend away as that will avoid any suggestions to at least come to the party. And don't be pressured or dissuaded to change your plans.

Jesus, the moral judgements being passed here. It’s like The Scarlet Letter. Or any number of other books that people seem never to have read or they wouldn’t be so judgemental. Don’t go to the wedding because you don’t want to, not because it’s any business of yours how she got off with her husband to be.

I wouldn't go, I'd find a polite excuse. There's a reason she doesn't have many friends and I wouldn't want to find out why the hard way. I'd feel icky about it too tbh..

I'd pass on the wedding. If you barely know her, you probably know very few, if any, people at the wedding.

But I would invite her out for a cup of coffee/drink after work and promote the working relationship.

Surprised they're not getting married abroad or gretna green, if it's his second wedding and their guest list is small.

Awkward, especially with work involved.

mid make an excuse for the wedding, for social stuff this is the more tricky, I would think along lines of
husband works shifts
husband a bit shy around new people
often having to care for a family member at weekends (?)

As a recently spurned woman I’d say stay away. She probably lost all her friends when she took up with another man’s wife/ family’s father etc. Only entertain a friendship if you like her. He’s obviously a d* & they both have a low level of moral code.

I wonder if all the red flags are tickling her brain and if she is trying to grow a support system before she gets married.
I mean, this sounds like a long-term affair and there is absolutely no way that this man is not at least emotionally abusive, which she has to be aware of on some level. You don't cheat on your partner long term without it being an abusive situation. You would have to lie and gaslight them to carry on an affair of this length.
he is going to treat her just as badly and deep down somewhere she knows it.

Best post on the thread. Nailed it.

I imagine she has a very limited pool of friends, especially with her prior choice of career. She probably lost her other friends when she was an escort and making friends in older years is more difficult., even more so if she is so open about been an escort.

Perhaps the DP is a former client, or perhaps the DP's ex wife and work colleague were former friends and their shared friends have chosen sides. She is likely embarrassed about having very few friends to attend her wedding. I imagine some of the "DPs" family will have a poor view of her (affair partner and if they know about the previous career). Hence the invite.

I personally would happen to have a prior engagement so you can't attend. As for social side, could you possibly make a "work social event" like 1 Friday evening after work every couple of months and it's a group event and then strictly keep socialisation with her to those?

You barely know her. Why do you feel compelled to go?

If she's nothing more than a vague acquaintance why are you worried about damaging a professional relationship?

Is she your boss or something?

I'd ask why such a nice person has no friends. I'm thinking that DP's first wife may have been in a friends group which included your work colleague, and those in the group have turned their backs on her.

I went to a wedding i was surprised to be invited to… the bride called to ask if i put money on the money tree - so little was there that she was trying to estimate how much was stolen before tracking down the thief

Actually I agree with this.

I know someone like this. Was naive and inexperienced so believed all Married Man's lies. He only ended up with her after a 5 year affair because his wife found out and chucked him out.

Of course she was over the moon, had the wedding and he had a convenient live in nanny for his kids.

MM then of course did the same again and it almost destroyed her. She has never had another relationship.

You colleague will need friends to talk her out of this.