Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

[Whoswhoof]

very very loose acquaintance in a professional sense (I’m not a friend, and didn’t think she thought of me as such) invited me to her wedding last week. The wedding is later this year, she’s not been engaged very long. I only see her at work every few weeks.

I was quite taken back (I don’t even know her DPs name or how long they’ve been together, barely even know her if I’m honest) I threw both questions into the conversation they’ve been “together” 3 years due to him having an affair with her, and only OPENLY together less than a year. I was spared no detail in how the breakup went and how they’ve ended up together. Her DP sounds like an arse if I’m honest. Not that the affair is any of my business but it all just seems a bit icky.

tons of red flags but basically she now wants me at her wedding and wants to build a friendship. She says she doesn’t have many friends.

we are colleagues so it’s important I don’t damage the professional relationship.

more of a wwyd.

Look, this woman has no boundaries (see: long term affair). She won’t care that you are giving off hints that you don’t want to be friends or socialise. I imagine she will wheedle and pressurise you until she gets what she wants because she may well be a bit desperate and needy and basically unreliable and chaotic.

If someone is crossing your boundaries or encroaching on them, all you can do is make those boundaries clearer and stronger. Otherwise you’ll just be a doormat to the needs and whims of someone you do not respect.

I wouldn’t be going and condoning this relationship.

I think the wedding planning has probably highlighted her lack of friends and now she wants to build a relationship with you to plug that hole.

If she was someone I knew and liked, I’d go.

Based on what you’ve written, I’d politely decline. I hate people forcing themselves on me.

Exactly this.

I'd run. You won't manage perfect tact and an escape. You'll have to be quite firm.

Yes. I’ve had people want to see me outside of work, and have just said this.

I’d do a few social things with her but not go overboard and be quite unavailable in the hope she wouldn’t think I was horrible but equally wouldn’t want to really be great mates. I’d not go to the wedding. X

Just decline the wedding and keep declining other invites. Try not to let her have your mobile number if she doesn’t already. If you don’t see her that much at work hopefully it will make it easier to avoid the invitations.

I would not go to the wedding of a prostitute and someone who met their partner through an affair, I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with such a person.
I'd make an excuse about the wedding and about socialising with her on a one to one basis. Presumably if you socialise as a group with other colleagues she would be invited but you don't need to be the one to invite her.
Be cordial and friendly when you need to work together but there's no need to make her into a friend outside work. If she's lonely/ needy etc so what, it's not your job to fix her problems when you don't want to.

I would find reasons to be busy on the wedding day. Regarding future outings I would say that I prefer to keep my work and my social life separate (as thats what I already do)

If a work colleague who I wasn’t friends with invited me to their wedding, I would have just said no. I certainly wouldn’t have started a conversation to find out more about their relationship. You might need to be polite and professional with her because of your job, but you are under no obligation to be friends. However, you are probably giving her the wrong impression by chatting with her so much.

Plead a prior engagement

Id decline the wedding, invite her to big events where your work group is socialising together from time to time and be too busy for 121s. Maybe go for lunch occasionally during the working day. She sounds a bit vulnerable to be honest, being that open about a history of sex work and telling you about having an affair and not having any friends.

Just wondering what kind of industry you work in that a former sex worker can enter into.

A history of being an escort wouldn't prevent me attending a wedding or generally becoming friends if I liked the person, but condoning an affair would - send apologies as you are busy that weekend.

She has a brain does she not, "I am a mere women and not responsible for what I do" for god sakes what is it with women these days

if you want to go then go if not decline

WWYD?
I'd decline the invite and be professional but distant in how I deal with her at work. Her having no friends is not your responsibility. Going to a wedding when you don't know the groom and barely know the bride doesn't sound like much fun. It's going to be a lot of expense for 2 strangers.

It's not your job to placate and humour this person. Decline the invitation and continue to work with her. She'll move on to the next person.

She doesn’t have friends because she has a secret life type existence. My limited experience with OW is they can’t develop friendships because they have to lie or cover up about what they do and who they see. They often are lonely because they have to be available whenever he is so can’t make plans. And of course often man is jealous when they are out with friends. As for the previous employment as escort..well to each their own ambitions. I would decline wedding invitation…sorry not available. It will end up being expensive maybe awkward and I think PP are not exaggerating when they say you as bridesmaid or hen organizer. In over time you get to know her better and like her the friendship can naturally evolve.

This!

I'd be bright & breezy when declining all invitations - already busy, bit skint, saving for a house deposit, doing dry January (or Sober October etc), not going out due to feeling unwell etc etc. Just keep saying no & making excuses.

I'd decline the wedding due to a "prior engagement" but maybe invite her along if you're popping out for a coffee etc with other colleagues during the working day? Yes she had an affair and that was very wrong but she sounds lonely and messed up. I'm a soft touch though that wants to help people and give second chances...

I’d steer well clear.

The thing about friends is you usually need something in common to talk about. What could you chat about with her that you would be interested in?

This.
I have on occasion said something about being happy to connect on LinkedIn but prefer to keep work people as purely professional contacts….

What a weird thing to say. And rather judgy. Loads of people change jobs and careers, and I'm sure sex workers are no different. Do you think they go into sex work at 20 and stay till retirement age? She hasn't got 'former sex worker' tattooed across her forehead so I'm fairly confident she can go into the same industries as anyone else without it being an issue.

I don't think that's fair. Women are set up to be vulnerable in a way men aren't. She has kids to support for one.

I agree with PP to make sure she is invited to some wider work events. Decline the wedding as you can't commit to anything that month.

It isn't a criminal offence. So you can enter any industry after being an escort. There could be issues if you were dealing with a former client if you became a SW etc, but you could put a good argument to the panel that you were vulnerable etc at the time.