Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

[Whoswhoof]

very very loose acquaintance in a professional sense (I’m not a friend, and didn’t think she thought of me as such) invited me to her wedding last week. The wedding is later this year, she’s not been engaged very long. I only see her at work every few weeks.

I was quite taken back (I don’t even know her DPs name or how long they’ve been together, barely even know her if I’m honest) I threw both questions into the conversation they’ve been “together” 3 years due to him having an affair with her, and only OPENLY together less than a year. I was spared no detail in how the breakup went and how they’ve ended up together. Her DP sounds like an arse if I’m honest. Not that the affair is any of my business but it all just seems a bit icky.

tons of red flags but basically she now wants me at her wedding and wants to build a friendship. She says she doesn’t have many friends.

we are colleagues so it’s important I don’t damage the professional relationship.

more of a wwyd.

Not really.

Nobody is talking about shunning an existing friend or handling it with anything less than politeness.

Most just wouldn't particularly want to celebrate a wedding knowing how it started (causing hurt) when they don't know the couple.

Similarly most don't seem to really wish to get involved with someone who seems a bit dysregulated with a social objective.

Most just wouldn't particularly want to celebrate a wedding knowing how it started (causing hurt) when they don't know the couple.

You have no idea of the circumstances - as you say the couple are not known, but hey paint her as a scarlet woman.

Similarly most don't seem to really wish to get involved with someone who seems a bit dysregulated with a social objective.

Just come out and say it - you look down on her because of her sex work.

I'm not surprised she doesn't have many friends.

I wouldn't go near her other than as required to do my job.

She's not someone I'd want to start socialising with tbh.

It's harder to walk away from a friendship than it is to avoid starting one.

So what. I don't see anything wrong with judging people who have affairs actually. Her behaviour shows a total lack of moral compass.
Also I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was a prostitute either. She made that choice.

The OP said the woman had explained in great detail about what went on so if the OP says it was a 2 year affair she was uncomfortable about them I'll take that at face value.

The SW itself is actually neither here nor there to me (I worked with a lot of people in this area- medical field- and certainly don't view people in terms of 'scarlet women').

However, I don't personally enjoy the company of those who habitually overshare personal detail uninvited. Once a connection has been established, nothing is off bounds but I don't connect with people by being pelted with their dirty laundry. I find it tedious.

Doesn't necessarily mean they're bad people, there may be reasons for this, but if they're not on top of this tendency AND are having affairs, they're very unlikely to be friendship material for me.

I don't give a shit about her being the OW tbh.

But she's interesting because she worked as an escort for 12 years. I'd be super curious about that.

And no, I wouldn't want to be friends with an MRA or a racist. But I don't consider her behaviour to be anywhere near as bad or dangerous. I don't have a problem with her having been the OW - it's not my business, and unless it turns out that she's a deliberate femme fatale whose hobby is going around breaking up marriages, I doubt that it would ever bother me. I'm not saying it's a great situation to be in, but it's not my marriage and not my business.

I would decline the wedding purely because I am no fan of them. However you sound like a sociable person and I love people who overly share, blurt out their life stories and tell me stuff which I wouldn't disclose to my closest confidant! I wouldn't have a problem socialising with her or asking her along for drinks with other work colleagues, she sounds like an absolute hoot and I bet she has some really funny stories to tell. Live and let live and is my motto and I try not to judge anyone (unless a Tory)! 😄

Yep. Honestly OP I’d back off as far as I could and stay friendly but professional.

Her social life and lack of friends outside work is nothing to do with you.

Suggest she tries Meet Up if she’s that bothered.

I think after work drinks is fine but I’d just be mindful if this woman based on attending these suddenly thinks her and OP are besties.

you woulr go to her wedding because you are intersted in her previous history? That really is weird.

I think your being her ultimate boss as the proprietor probably gives you an easy out. You can politely decline the invite and if she then approaches you about socialising I'd just let her down gently. Something along the lines of "I know that I seem a very friendly and sociable person but I do try to keep my personal friendships and my business relationships separate. So I socialize with my colleagues as a group and keep individual socialising to my out of work friends." If she doesn't get it then you could say a bit more bluntly that it would make things difficult for her intermediate managers if they saw her socialising one on one with the boss.

It's the old catchphrase "it's an invitation not a summons" isn't it.

It's sad she doesn't have many friends but that's not your job to fix. The thing is that you are a friendly and kind person. She is taking this as an opportunity for you to be her special friend but actually you are no more friendly with her than any other colleague who you wouldn't want to build a bigger out-of-work relationship with.

Going to a wedding where the only person you know is the bride is really grim. Just that fact on its own is a good enough reason to decline.

"I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong impression but while I am delighted to be positive and friendly with all my work colleagues I am not really up for developing a deeper friendship outside of work and I wouldn't feel comfortable coming to your wedding as that's not really where we are. I hope you have a brilliant day but I think a small wedding with the people who are really important to you will be much more meaningful than one with the guest list expanded with people who don't know you that well."

Christ, she's peculiar. She tries to chummy up to the owner of the business and she isn't even senior management but someone who reports to a manager to presumably reports to the GM or you?
Why do you find it hard to say no. You are the big big boss. Just say you haven't got time

There's a lot going on here.

I don't care about other people's infidelity in all honesty

I wouldn't go to the wedding because I don't know them well enough. I'd just say I was busy.

The fact that she's open about her past as an escort would bother me and I wouldn't want to be friends outside of work.

I'd keep a professional distance...polite but aloof and not be available for social occasions.

If you like her then go. Makre sure you have a Plus 1 though.

If you don't like her, then don't.

Op you are the company owner? And she’s has “just taken a shine” to you the company owner? Yikes. Don’t go don't befriend put your business first. She has a million other women to choose from. Be wary of her I think she’s quite skilled in seeing and getting what she wants.

Hmmm maybe she has an ulterior motive.
I’d decline the invite not because she was a SW but because I don’t like forced friendships.
I also would not want to attend the wedding of someone I barely know.

OP - her previous job and circumstances of her relationship are two things you clearly have a problem with.

FWIW neither of these two things would stop me writing someone off (many sex workers are exploited and forced into the work, many women are strung along by married men promising the marriage is over, many relationships have overlaps and take time to disentangle etc). Without knowing all the details you can’t truly judge is my opinion.

However you clearly don’t want to be her friend so you should simply decline the wedding invite and move on. It sounds like she’s had a complicated past which would perhaps make it difficult to make friends or form long term relationships. I hope she finds some who like and accept her, it’s ok if you don’t.

I’d say to her that you have a busy life with family and other commitments out of work and you don’t have time to socialise.

3 options:
1- You can set a boundary and say you'd prefer to keep your relationship with her strictly professional
2- Tell the truth that you don't feel comfortable attending due to the circumstances (but I'd expect backlash from this)
Or 3- Give a polite excuse not to go

Or a stepwise approach-

polite excuse for wedding (I think best. It would be rude to reply to any wedding invitation with 'no, I don't want to socialise with you' for any reason),

Polite excuse or simple no thanks first few of times she invites you to meet. Most people will get the hint

If she continues asking, or asks why you don't want to meet her, then set a boundary

Re no 2. If OP says this so what re the backlash? If this colleague chooses to be difficult then OP has the final say in if she’s employed ultimately.

I personally think (I said it before?) that this colleague is crossing major boundaries here and out of all the people she could ask to attend her wedding from her company it’s OP. It’s almost like if OP attends she’s condoning what’s happened and at the wedding even better. Fat chance I’d get involved at all.

I know what you mean but I think a small gift or a card would be a good idea in this situation, as the OP wants to ensure the professional relationship isn’t affected by her refusal.

No, I'd go because she'd invited me and it would be a way to get to know her better. Maybe we'd end up being good friends.