Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

[Whoswhoof]

very very loose acquaintance in a professional sense (I’m not a friend, and didn’t think she thought of me as such) invited me to her wedding last week. The wedding is later this year, she’s not been engaged very long. I only see her at work every few weeks.

I was quite taken back (I don’t even know her DPs name or how long they’ve been together, barely even know her if I’m honest) I threw both questions into the conversation they’ve been “together” 3 years due to him having an affair with her, and only OPENLY together less than a year. I was spared no detail in how the breakup went and how they’ve ended up together. Her DP sounds like an arse if I’m honest. Not that the affair is any of my business but it all just seems a bit icky.

tons of red flags but basically she now wants me at her wedding and wants to build a friendship. She says she doesn’t have many friends.

we are colleagues so it’s important I don’t damage the professional relationship.

more of a wwyd.

Prior engagement is simple.

I would keep things professional too socially . I'd include her in group events but no more.

People trying to engineer a friendship as opposed to naturally getting on and suggesting a drink always makes me feel uncomfortable and targeted (even if I know it's just their way) so I would deflect this too.

Im intrigued why she's chosen the company owner for this and the only wedding invitation rather than anyone she works with closer. Trying to climb at work and move into a new life phase?

She seems an odd one. Forward, oversharer (although I suppose re escorting there would be the decision between worrying about being exposed and preemptively making it old news yourself). She wouldn't be someone I'd entertain. And it isn't to do with her past career.

Really bad reason to befriend someone...

I was once invited over to a neighbours house for coffee and was told quite upfront that she and DH were looking for another couple to go out day drinking with. I have no idea why she chose me as I'd only ever said hello in passing. Good of her to be upfront but I simply said 'sorry not our thing' and left it at that. I'm probably seen as boring but much prefer that than tying myself in knots trying to make excuses. I think she's putting you in a position OP, regardless of the affair. Say you can't attend the wedding and say that you don't mix business with pleasure. She might take offence but really it's quite an offensive thing she's doing to you IMO.

This is almost like love bombing. And the cynical part of me thinks she’s potentially using you to get ahead in the business.

Most I'd say.

If the business owner goes to her wedding it looks to her colleagues that she's 'in with the boss'. It's similar to getting in with the popular girl at school. I think she thinks colleagues will accept her/like her more if she's seen as your friend.

I'd be happy to get to know her. Maybe she's lovely! Anyway, she's definitely had an interesting life, and I'd be curious about her.

You don't have to commit to a friendship if it's not working out, but I don't see the harm in getting to know someone. I'd also happily go along to the wedding (with a plus one) and enjoy the party.

I don't get the judgement and moralising on here. It's like the scarlet letter or something. Just get to know her as a person and if you get along, then great. If not, that's fine too.

What about women destroying other women's lives by knowingly bedding their husbands? Not all women are vulnerable victims. Some women are absolute bitches to other women.

OK, massive drip feed OP. There's a possibility she's targeting you, because she thinks you are well off/of use, or because everyone else sees her regularly and knows she's one to avoid. Just be nice, but unavailable outside of work. Shouldn't be too hard if you naturally see very little of her. If eventually your instincts suggest she might actually be a potentially nice friend, you can always reassess in the future, if she hasn't been huffed.

If someone is remorseful and repents.

And I'm not sure it's fair to put this person's hypothetical future as someone else's responsibility. WE all have free will.

If this person wanted some money to feed her kids or a urgent lift somewhere absolutely I'd help if I could. But I wouldn't be eager to forge a friendship with them.

Apologise politely and plead a prior event

This is very easy... just say ' thank you so much fit your really thoughtful invitation, however I've got a lot on around that time this year so I won't be able to make it. Please accept my best wishes for the most wonderful day'.

No need to make anything up! Just be very vague if asked about big family birthdays / getting work done on your house / supporting a family member with something... nothing you can be too tied down to!

And avoid

Perhaps you have a holiday booked over the wedding.

She has asked you to be her friend (with the wedding and suggesting other meet-ups). It looks as if she likes you - or thinks that she will do so. This is a good basis for a friendship (from her side).

Do you feel that she might be a good friend for you?
Does she annoy or irriatate you?
Are you drawing back for particular reasons/feelings - and do you trust those?

(As for the basis of her relationship/the affaire: people's faults/mis-doings are so much more forgiveable in someone you like. )

I’d politely decline the invite, and politely decline being asked out if I didn’t want to go. There’s no need to make reasons as to why. Just a polite sorry

None of your business how she got together with her fiance but you are under no obligation to go to her wedding or be her friend. Just keep it professional

I'd be happy to get to know her. Maybe she's lovely!

I really don't think lovely people behave like this.

Anyway, she's definitely had an interesting life, and I'd be curious about her.

...why? Why is she any more interesting than someone who doesn't sleep with married men?

Anyway, for those sneering at how judgmental the OP is: would you attend the wedding of a racist? Or one of those MRAs who wants to legalise sexual abuse "as long as she was on his property"? Truthfully, a lot of people wouldn't (although a depressing number would). People who claim they never judge anyone are lying. And if they truly never judge anyone, then by definition they can't judge judgmental people!

Just decline but thank her for the invite.

She probably hasn't got many friends due to the way she has met her husband to be, and she's looking for new ones now.

Don't feel bad about not wanting to be her friend, no-one can force you into a friendship. Just say you have a good network of friends at the moment and that your not looking for new friendships of the type she is proposing.

How unfortunate you have another family event that day that you can't get out of!

Me too regarding work and home life separation.

Absolutely agree.

Ultimately, what's the alternative to exercising judgement on whom you allow into your life?

I may stand by a good friend in this situation (although, she would know I thought she was going about the relationship the wrong way by engaging in a 2year affair. Why so long? Make your decision and stick to it) but I wouldn't be showing support for two virtual strangers by making the numbers up at their wedding knowing all this.

If they were low on numbers for other reasons I may make the effort, new to the country, no family etc. I'm happy using that judgement to determine how to use my time.

The back story is irrelevant - you’re not there to pass judgement.

I wouldn’t bother going to the wedding of someone I didn’t know well.

I find it more tragic than hilarious tbh, it's like a throwback to an era of shunning, shaming and wearing of scarlet letters.

The affair has nothing to do with it. She's not a friend, you don't wish her to be one.

Just decline politely

I think is sounds super entertaining. I'd go on the off chance the ex-wife shows up and raise hell.