Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

[Whoswhoof]

very very loose acquaintance in a professional sense (I’m not a friend, and didn’t think she thought of me as such) invited me to her wedding last week. The wedding is later this year, she’s not been engaged very long. I only see her at work every few weeks.

I was quite taken back (I don’t even know her DPs name or how long they’ve been together, barely even know her if I’m honest) I threw both questions into the conversation they’ve been “together” 3 years due to him having an affair with her, and only OPENLY together less than a year. I was spared no detail in how the breakup went and how they’ve ended up together. Her DP sounds like an arse if I’m honest. Not that the affair is any of my business but it all just seems a bit icky.

tons of red flags but basically she now wants me at her wedding and wants to build a friendship. She says she doesn’t have many friends.

we are colleagues so it’s important I don’t damage the professional relationship.

more of a wwyd.

I wouldn’t go based on the lack of an actual pre-existing friendship, but I do think there is a huge amount of concerning judgement on this thread. She sounds vulnerable. Young, ex-sex worker, with two kids.
Never been in her situation myself, never had an affair or been the OW etc, but I would not judge her in this way. People don’t always make the best life decisions or have opportunities to make good choices.

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Only read Page 1.
I became friends with a woman who was leaving her husband to go off with a younger man.
We knew all three before the affair started. We became closer to the OW, she had no friends and she needed someone. We did not aid or assist just talked and coffee.
If someone needs a helping hand or friendship be compassionate not judgemental.

I would find someone trying to force a friendship (making it clear she wanted to start going for drinks etc with you) very off-putting. She may well have put herself in this position by having an affair however she may also have been vulnerable having worked as an escort. Nevertheless it's not your job to become her friend if you don't want to (I wouldn't) so I would just keep deflecting the invitations, mentioning how busy you are with home / family / work.

I definitely would have no interest in going to the wedding. Surely you have a family event that day?

I'm sorry, but I would be quite judgemental about this (not to her face of course) and wouldn't want to be friends with her. I am guessing that she has very little loyalty to other women. I hate it when people have affairs and tell me about it as though it's no big deal. I hate it because I know it would have caused a deal of pain for someone. She is looking for people to validate her actions and I am sure that she will be able to find plenty, so you have no such obligation. I wouldn't attend their wedding - unless I was being a bit nosy, but then you'd risk her thinking you want to be friends.

Sorry copy pasted thread by mistake - edited.

ALWAYS judge. Absolutely everyone does, there are people here judging you for using your own judgement.

Judging is how we stay safe. Completely ignore anyone telling you to behave in ways you don't want to . They get to choose that for themselves, never you.

People who demand no judgement are usually worried about being judged themselves, often for good reason. Demanding "Don't judge!" is a red flag and often used by people with behavioural issues to break boundaries.

Judging doesn't mean gossiping or causing harm but Absolutely extends to avoiding anyone you choose to.

Never ignore gut instincts. You've a perfect right to avoid entanglements with people who you find a bit dodgy. If you let her rope you in, it will be far harder to get shot of her later.

You have a right to feel safe and comfortable with others and a duty to yourself to not ignore your own boundaries.

Listen to yourself and ignore dodgy advice from the be kind crew, who will happily dump you in a messy situation, safe in the knowledge they don't have to deal with it.

I think the morality police in Iran may be recruiting.

Seriously what a lot of judgemental and obnoxious arseholes are on this thread.
If you want to be friends with the woman fine, if you don't also fine.
Her past and her private life may not be what most of us would choose but perhaps we were fortunate to have different choices.

She actually sounds quite calculating. she "just took a shine" to you but not to others in the company? That makes her sounds like someone who targets people for what she can gain from them. Perhaps she views relationships as transactional - which would explain her ability to have affairs.

How very judgemental of you.

I wouldn't go. I'd just say I was busy. You don't have to be friends with her as long as you're not treating her unfairly in relation to work because you don't like her.

Personally I can see the attraction of disapproving of her morally because of her affairs, but I have friends who had affairs in the past and whilst I disapproved I didn't end our friendship. It's about whether you actually like her and want to spend time with her or not. If the answer is no, don't.

You've just said that you are judging.
Your own words. 🙄

Yep, I'm fine with admitting it. 🙄

Literally everyone judges.

Just pointing out your hypocrisy 😅

So you’re the big boss, you own the business?

If you own the company, chances are that she and other see you as their boss. Not their immediate boss. But still their boss.

Given you position I absolutely would not be striking up a friendship. I am not bother if it’s judgemental, but my thinking with people who have affairs is that they aren’t generally trustworthy. They prove that they have no qualms screwing someone over if it gets them what they want. Why would they be any different to you?

I would be very suspicious that she just ‘took a shine’ to the Owner and trying force a friendship by manipulation and ‘oh feel sorry for me I have no friends’ and making you feel like you have to be friends with her.

Be compassionate, we never know what help we might need.
The example of your freely given friendship might help her her change or never repeat the errors of the past.
A principle of Christianity is: All things can be forgiven.

A principle of Christianity is: All things can be forgiven.

Except blaspheming against the Holy Spirit.

And to add - people will assume you're her friend and ok with her behaviours if you go to her wedding.

Up to you if you want people to assume you have a similar moral compass.

Doesn't mean everything should be, or that we should be friends with people just because they 'take a shine' and would like us to.

I'm unsure I'd eveb send a gift.... As this would be implying a level of friendship that doesn't exist...

Unless you actually want to be friends with her in the future OP

I agree with @greedisunappealing so I'm happy to sit in my little judgement box. It's how I protect myself. Prevents a lot of time wasting.
Ultimately your choice OP. I would stay well clear though.

I’d decline and give a nice card wishing them well and a small gift. I’d keep declining social engagements.

Possibly this. A coffee wouldn't hurt, now and then. You might find you do like her. If not, don't continue. I'd swerve the wedding though, with a prior commitment . You risk becoming chief bridesmaid before you've blinked 🤣 I'm presuming the DP and 2x aren't from work?

I know nothing about you except this short post which suggests you are a sound person. Surely you exercise your judgement when making friends? I am like you. I have spent a lifetime giving people the benefit of the doubt, and now that I am getting old(er) I have to conclude that it isn't worth it. Put your own wellbeing first. When someone exhibits red flags (no matter the reason...they've had a hard childhood etc) take heed and run like hell. Unless they show signs of working on themselves you're just going to end up getting burned, no matter how nice you are. I have been there too many times.

This is excellent advice OP!
The "don't judge" advice is in direct contradiction to the very sound advice about having firm, reasonable boundaries with people and on taking red flags seriously! We have to use our discernment about people's behaviour and characters or we get sucked in by users and abusers. I think the fact that she keeps on at you when you've already turned her down several times is a red flag. If she was just a vulnerable, lonely woman, the first rebuff from you would have sufficed because her self-worth would be so low, but it hasn't been so I suspect she's the sort of person who is determined to get what she wants, regardless of how it affects others. She certainly didn't care about the wife of the man who was committing adultery with her, did she?
Be polite, but firm and distant. Interact with her on a professional basis only. Keep saying No to her invites but don't make excuses and definitely do not lie- just say something like "No , I won't be able to, and if you'll excuse me I need to get on with my work." or something along those lines. Don't apologise or smile, she'll see that as a gap in the fence you're trying to put up. Then walk away purposefully as if you really are busy, which if at work, you probably would be. She seems to me to be one of those that will keep pushing and wheedling if she senses that her target is worried about upsetting her! You don't always have to be "nice" to people- "nice" is not the same thing as good and being too "nice" just draws users and abusers! I've learnt the hard way!
You're not at all wrong to not want to befriend her nor attend her wedding, I wouldn't either!