Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

[Whoswhoof]

very very loose acquaintance in a professional sense (I’m not a friend, and didn’t think she thought of me as such) invited me to her wedding last week. The wedding is later this year, she’s not been engaged very long. I only see her at work every few weeks.

I was quite taken back (I don’t even know her DPs name or how long they’ve been together, barely even know her if I’m honest) I threw both questions into the conversation they’ve been “together” 3 years due to him having an affair with her, and only OPENLY together less than a year. I was spared no detail in how the breakup went and how they’ve ended up together. Her DP sounds like an arse if I’m honest. Not that the affair is any of my business but it all just seems a bit icky.

tons of red flags but basically she now wants me at her wedding and wants to build a friendship. She says she doesn’t have many friends.

we are colleagues so it’s important I don’t damage the professional relationship.

more of a wwyd.

Sounds like she doesn't have any friends to invite to the wedding. Now she's looking at the guest list, she feels embarrassed he has mates, and she has none. So she's trying to make friends before the wedding. If you like her then go for it. However if you'd rather keep her as a work colleague, then rebuff the invites and plan to go somewhere else on the same date as her wedding. Personally I wouldn't be friends with someone who had an affair, because she could quite easily do it to me. I did actually have a friend like that and I ended up ghosting her before she sabotaged my relationship.

I would not go, neither befriend her. This shout drama all over! And I cannot be bothered.

Why in the world would you befriend someone because you felt sorry for them? That's patronising bollocks.

Anyway, it takes two to have an affair.

@LordSnot
If you feel so sneery about associating with someone who has had an affair how do you feel about using Mumsnet given Justine (founder of MN) and her well publicised affair a few years ago.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11616477/Mumsnet-founder-Justine-Roberts-splits-husband-Ian-Katz-25-years-marriage.html

I am not judging Justine or anyone else who has an affair. It is not against the law and I certainly wouldn't use it as an excuse to judge someone without really knowing the situation.

@betterangels Harsh. I think giving people a chance and realising they might be lonely makes you a decent human being. The woman is clearly reaching out.

If after a few get togethers Op decides she isn't friend material that's fair enough. Maybe Op could introduce to her to others in the office. Nowt wrong being supportive.

Agree. Definitely fine to say no.

Backstory wouldn't bother me at all, no ones perfect and its none of my business but if it bothers you then just make your excuses.

Thanks for the replies. It’s my business in events management for those asking. I own the business but am very rarely in actually working as I have other businesses. She works under a manager who she reports to directly.

im going to decline and feign prior engagement!

Yeah doesn't sound like the sort of person I'd want to be friends with. Politely decline.

I feel exactly the same about her. Thanks for asking.

That makes it slightly different. Maybe she feels she has to invite her boss. It still doesn't change your position though. It is perfectly fine to decline and keep your relationship strictly professional.

Well if you are the business owner then you would be very wise to have a policy of not socialising with employees and can simply tell her that.

Never mix business with pleasure is a good motto in my view. That's the reason I never socialise with work colleagues because I am in a senior position and I might have to discipline someone which would be awkward if I'd been to their wedding or others might think I was favouring the person I am friends with.

It also makes it all the more odd that she wants to air all her personal stuff with her boss!

The wedding is easier to decline than the lunch and dinner invitations in my opinion as it’s a one off when you can just say you can’t make it.

But re the social invites because you are friendly with other work colleagues you can’t use the “I keep work and my personal life separate’ line.

I would initially decline every invitation and if she doesn’t get the message just say something like “I’m sorry I’m so busy. Rather than both of us starting to feel awkward that I always seem to decline your invitations I will let you know if things change.”

Affair aside, this girl wants to strike up a friendship with you all of a sudden because she's getting married and has no other friends.
I would keep at arms length because of that.

I’m not her boss! Literally just the business owner. There’s multiple other people she reports to. I think she’s just genuinely took a shine to me. She’s also not invited anybody else from work

The person who owns the business you work for is your boss! They pay the wages. She might have direct managers but as the business owner you are everyone's boss.

Do not get involved. Lack of morals and an unsavoury love life has left her in isolation as her friends have dropped her
.
Say thank you for the invite but you are unable to attend. Invent an excuse if you must.

Then all further invites, just keep saying it's not convenient as you have hobbies, family etc

She will soon give up and set upon someone else.

She isn't actually interested in you as a person, so don't feel bad.

Just read that she was an escort for 12 years.

You have nothing in common with a person like that. Keep her at arms length.

I'm clearly the minority (only one) but I wouldn't not socialise with this woman because of this. I'd treat her like anyone else and get to know her, I've got enough past sins myself (no affairs though).
I'd probably decline the wedding as I didn't know her well enough, weddings are intimate celebrations to me but I'd be up for lunch, dinner etc.

This. I consider both parties to an affair equally as rotten. They deserve the worst and each other. Just say you have family visiting for that part of the year and lots of plans and be vague in case she suggests dates.

I'd do this too. I don't judge sex workers and prostituted women, just the men that use them.

The odd working coffee hopefully wouldn't hurt!

I do judge people who have big traditional affair weddings though! I've been to two, where I genuinely cared about the people in question. Both were a bit cringe at points, with the kids from the first marriage in attendance and having to sit through "how we met" speeches romanticising what was essentially a very difficult period of their lives where their mum got really hurt and their home life turned upside down.

I accept affairs happen and sometimes everything works out for the best, but I wish people would be a bit more flexible and sensitive. There's no law saying weddings have to follow the traditional format and tbh the best ones I've been to haven't.

Not to mention decorating the wedding venue and running a crèche for the children……

(memories of past threads flooding in from all directions.)

It's just a wedding, not an 'affair wedding'. Go or don't go but if you feel that your integrity is being impinged, best not.

I wouldn't associate with someone like this. If this make me part of the moral police, so be it.
And yes, BOTH parties are to blame for an affair. Knowingly getting involved with a married/attached person is an anti-social act. You are actively causing harm to someone else - several people if the couple have children.

Point is - do you like her?
Do you like weddings?

If you do then go but if not make an excuse.