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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by this on a first date?

243 replies

paybyme · 03/06/2024 17:54

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 03/06/2024 22:02

JenniferBooth · 03/06/2024 20:16

Its men cherry picking the bits of feminism that suit them and leaving the rest. Its absolutely relevant

Show quote history

How about women cherry picking the bits of feminism that suit them? They want equality except when it comes to paying for their own meal.

HAF1119 · 03/06/2024 22:10

Being put off by whatever doesn't fit your criteria is fine. For me there are nice people out there who may, in the dating game, not be able to pay for 2 people on every date. Letting you know as early as possible and checking it's okay as some people assume they'll be paid for (which I think isn't fair) does seem pretty decent to me.

If you want to be paid for or do the 'dance' of man should pay for all the women he dates that is okay also but he was trying to make it clear he doesn't want to do that and check that is fine with you

coxesorangepippin · 03/06/2024 22:11

Oh please, what does that have to do with anything?!

^

Er, what she just said???

coxesorangepippin · 03/06/2024 22:13

They want equality except when it comes to paying for their own meal.

^

She could have paid next time. But she won't. Because there won't be a next time. Because he comes across as a penny pincer, which is unattractive.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2024 22:14

Perhaps he assumed the OP would have cash on her to cover her half, so he’d pay and she gave him the cash. As she didn’t, he said she could transfer it. Most banking apps allow you to pay just using someone’s phone number or else it’s really straightforward to add the bank details. Given some small businesses will allow people to pay by bank transfer and it’s not unusual for sales via Facebook Marketplace etc, he probably didn’t think anything of it.

randomfemthinker · 03/06/2024 22:22

I would bin off for reasons and posts I've made before here over content unless you absolutely match in pretty much every other way.

Sadza · 03/06/2024 22:23

Yep. I agree. I much prefer the I’ll get this and you get the next one, especially if you’ve hit it off. The whole transfer the money is a pain, at the very least I’d rather pay there and then for my half.

SeriaMau · 03/06/2024 22:30

So many red flags here. What a scumbag. Run for the hills. You deserve so much better than this.

Noseybookworm · 03/06/2024 22:35

I wouldn't be put off by this. I'd rather people are up front about what they want/don't want and I would always want to split the bill on a first date. But if you found it off-putting then that's perfectly valid for you. You don't have to see him again if you don't want to.

TheAlchemistElixa · 03/06/2024 22:45

BouncyMelons · 03/06/2024 18:23

If you are put off trust your gut feeling

That would put me off too . Everyone is entitled to certain expectations from romantic dates and I'd expect a man to pay if he asked me out . I like chivalry
And i also wouldn't see a man again if he asked me to split the bill . It's just a preference

Yes, my expectation from a good date is having fun, wanting to talk for hours and having lots of chemistry. All the things the OP said she experienced. The bill splitting thing is SUCH. A tiny trivial matter, a momentary “mistake” in an otherwise lovely evening (and good experience messaging beforehand) that I can’t help but think the man in question has had a narrow escape from a lifetime of trying to please an unpleasable woman.

if they continue, she may be back in five years time telling us her husband is amazing everyday, great in bed and a wonderful father, but that he got her the wrong gift for her birthday and she’s reconsidering their whole relationship.

ellyo · 03/06/2024 22:47

JenniferBooth · 03/06/2024 20:16

Its men cherry picking the bits of feminism that suit them and leaving the rest. Its absolutely relevant

Show quote history

Someone's cherry-picking bits of feminism to suit themselves in this scenario, and it isn't him...

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/06/2024 22:55

coxesorangepippin · 03/06/2024 22:13

They want equality except when it comes to paying for their own meal.

^

She could have paid next time. But she won't. Because there won't be a next time. Because he comes across as a penny pincer, which is unattractive.

Yet it’s attractive and not penny pinching to expect the other person to pay for the dinner?

greenpolarbear · 03/06/2024 22:56

I would find out more about his views on money generally before making a decision.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone miserly who counts every penny.

But I'd be happy in a relationship without old fashioned values and where the man felt I owed him something just because he'd paid for dinner.

If you were on a lesbian date, would you expect her to pay the bill or would you expect to split?

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/06/2024 23:05

At least he's not like the guy I went out with once who stole the tip I left.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 23:09

SeriaMau · 03/06/2024 22:30

So many red flags here. What a scumbag. Run for the hills. You deserve so much better than this.

Edited

🤣🤣🤣

Aubree17 · 03/06/2024 23:09

I think it's a bit tight and says a lot about how he views the relationship.

However, what was the bill? I don't think it's fair to ask someone to pick up a full dinner bill plus drinks.

TheRomanticOutlaw · 03/06/2024 23:12

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/06/2024 23:05

At least he's not like the guy I went out with once who stole the tip I left.

Or the one I went on a first date with who had mentioned how he liked to dress smartly for a date, and then after we had drinks suggested we went to MacDonalds.
I was 43, not 14. It was bizarre.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 23:12

I think it's a bit tight and says a lot about how he views the relationship.

What relationship?

They 'met' on a dating app.

Does this mean the OP gets to go for free dinners with every guy she swipes, and the blokes have to stump up the money every time?

Blimey, no point in going to the supermarket, she could eat for free every evening 😁

Horses7 · 03/06/2024 23:14

YABU

JenniferBooth · 03/06/2024 23:14

Aubree17 · 03/06/2024 23:09

I think it's a bit tight and says a lot about how he views the relationship.

However, what was the bill? I don't think it's fair to ask someone to pick up a full dinner bill plus drinks.

Splitting the bill fine. Im fine with that. How does it work if one of you is teetotal

ZenNudist · 03/06/2024 23:14

If its put you off its put you off. Next!

Sharing is fine but transferring money is a faff. He's played the big man treating the little miss. Why couldn't you just pay there and then?

MonsteraMama · 03/06/2024 23:19

Yeah let him go, he'll have no issues finding another date if he's as great as you say he is, plenty of women are fine to split the bill and wouldn't get the ick from this, and I'm sure your prince charming who is everything this guy is and will buy your food for you will come along eventually. After all you get asked out loads right? So why settle for someone who doesn't tick absolutely every single box?

CharlotteLucas3 · 03/06/2024 23:21

Well it would depend on how much you were both earning. If he was a high earner then I’d expect him to pay.

In fact I’d always expect him to pay and I wouldn’t feel that I owed him anything. I’d feel disrespected if he didn’t offer and I’d see it as a red flag. I’ve never paid for my own meal on a first date.

puffysthename · 03/06/2024 23:28

Grim. Imagine how stingy he'd be later if he won't even buy you dinner now!

Shan5474 · 03/06/2024 23:34

So you’re usually happy to split it but you never actually split it and so now you’re unhappy because someone asked to split it?

Personally I think YABU and I like his directness, someone shouldn’t feel obligated to pay for another. I find it a very old fashioned notion, women are allowed their own money now.
You could’ve just said no and asked him to pay 😁