To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

Also equality 101. Mine is. I would expect to pay half, he would expect to do half the work at home. Works for us. Expecting to be treated on dates is the kind of nonsense that leads men to think that being a provider and paying their way is all that’s needed, treating the woman rather than being equal partners with the woman. Once you’re established, sure, take turns treating each other.

I don't understand why you're so put off, especially if you claim to be progressive. I'm happy to pay my way, and conscious that not he may not be able to afford it.

Exactly.

It's one of the reasons why if a man insisted on paying, I would end the date. I'd expect they are old fashioned in other areas too such as expecting a wife to stay at home and doing all of the cooking and cleaning whilst he works in his big man job and doesn't have to lift a finger at home.

Well it would depend on how much you were both earning. If he was a high earner then I’d expect him to pay.

How would she know how much she earns, they don't even know each other?

In fact I’d always expect him to pay and I wouldn’t feel that I owed him anything.

Do you also bum free coffees and lifts off friends?

This sort of person is called a ponce where I come from.

PayPal, Revolut, Monzo, Square cash.

But what if there is no second date? Why should the man shell out in this way?

I do not blame men for not feeling like they have to pay for a first date. Women who expect it or ‘get the ick’ at this near complete stranger not paying for them need to give up their job, right to own property or a bank account, that’s where that attitude belongs.

YANBU.
But then, I don't bother dating anyone anymore and I'm perfectly happy with that.
🙄

Except it really isn’t. Say to waitress ‘Can we split it? She says ‘yes’. You tap your card. That’s it.

Transfering the money means WhatsApping bank details, logging on to mobile banking, setting up a new payee on mobile banking, entering their name, sort code, Acc No, reason for payment, entering the amount, verifying valid transaction. Its probably about 100 clicks on your phone compared to tapping a card / phone once.

Yes, I hope they don't expect to vote in the election.

They may as well leave that to the men too.

I don't understand why he wanted to pay in full and for you to transfer your half, and not simply pay half each with two cards direct to the restaurant.

I suspect he wanted it to look like he was paying the whole bill so he could feel 'big'.

Imagine if you've said you'd pay the whole bill and he could transfer you his half. It'd be weird.

So, yeah, agree it's off-putting.

I don't like men who are weird with money.

The problem with expecting him to offer to pay, is that you may have accepted and he'd have been stuck with the whole bill. He's probably been stung by this a few times.

Seems a minor thing to get bothered by. I’d give him a second chance. I’d have been more put off if he’d insisted on paying, I prefer to be independent.

I notice you didn't include a poll as you probably knew you'd be told you were unreasonable! Just in case it isn't clear, YABVU.

I'd have been happy that he was up front and honest about wanting to split the bill. The mechanics of it really don't matter, let alone all the crazy theories about why it was done that way. Next time you can get the 50p worth of reward points on your credit card rather than him.

Also, all those saying they want to be treated on the first date should be ashamed. What year is it?!

I don't like it when blokes want to look like the big man treating his woman to dinner then sneakily asking them to transfer half after. If you're going dutch just pay half and half there and then.

I always find this really strange. Do you expect your friends to pay for you when you go out? Just pay your way!

Is it? I'd find it much easier to pay half there and then than have to faff around setting him up as a payee then transferring.

OP - I'm old school, first date paid by him. I'd be happy to pay the next but I'd also find his insistence a turn off. I'd also be suspicious that it's a sign he dates a lot and lacks manners.

sounds like you had already decided that he was not for you as he didn’t meet your criteria and you were looking for an excuse.

What about her being stingy for not buying him dinner?
The sexism on this thread is a real eye opener!

Love a good "I always insist on paying my way but when I actually had to way I was put off, and not because of the paying my way part but for reasons" thread

As Steve Harvey says "If a guy can't buy you a plate of food, how is he going to take care of a family?".

Honestly, this would put me right off. Sounds like he doesn't have much money. That's maybe ok if you're 18, but I'm in my 50's and want someone who can afford nice things and holidays.

BIN BIN BIN.

People seem very righteous about this topic. But you can't scold someone into thinking / feeling differently. It's not a case of money but generosity. I'm sure a lot of women are happy to be generous later on but want it signified to them first.

This. I’m all for paying your own share and don’t think splitting the bill should be the issue. However split it there and then, much easier to tap your card for half at the time.

I agree with this.

It's the transferring bit that gets me. That's something I'd do with family and friends not a first date.

But why should the man signify generosity first? Why not the woman?

I always offered to split the bill on a date, then we’d usually take turns after that for the next dates. And yes, it worked out very well for me as I married a man who shares everything with me - he earns quite a lot more but everything goes into one pot, and because my health isn’t great, he also does more than half of the childcare and housework. When we’ve discussed this kind of thing, he’s said he was looking for an equal partner to share his life with, and would have considered it a red flag if I’d seemed to be a sponger on the first date.

In my experience, a man who wants and expects to pay for everything also expects paying to be his main contribution to the relationship, and he’d be lazy in other ways.