Severe lies between our children and friends children HELP

[New15]

Long one so will try and compress down!

I have 14 (Boy) and 10 (Girl)
Lifelong friends have 2 kids 14 (girl) and 13 (boy)

these people we see every weekend, we holiday together have been through good and bad together and are so important to us.

Background being both my friends kids have been caught out lying about Drinking, Vaping, talking to adults in a sexual nature over the internet sending explicit pictures to other people in the last 6 months or so.
My kids are the model of good behaviour, neither have ever done anything wrong (I’m so lucky) my boy 14 is massively into sport so his health is priority. We have different parenting styles, I am more of a gentle parent with the others being the opposite.
Both my kids are always honest and upfront and have never done anything to not have my trust.

my Daughter 10 last week said she had something to tell me and got really upset.
2 weeks ago, whilst round their house. My daughter (10) went in their sons room (13) for a few minutes a which is totally normal and had said he was having sexual conversations with other friends over PS5.
he had turned and said sorry did you know about that stuff?, to which she responded “yes, I did sex education at school last week”
He then proceeded to show her on his phone what I believe to be porn. He also asked her if she knew what it was. At 10 years old she was trying to describe what she saw, but struggled as she didn’t understand it, however I knew what she was talking about straight away. She felt uncomfortable and pretended to need a drink to which he said, if she was to tell me, he would say it was her and she would get into trouble.

Now she does have Tourette’s and struggles with decisions and some emotions massively which is why I assume it’s taken her a week to pluck the courage up to say something.

I rang my friend and explained what I had been told and that I was so shocked by it. The friend apologised to which I said it’s not your fault but please speak with him and let me know.

we knew he would lie because he lies about everything until it’s black and white in his face to which he couldn’t lie.

my friend rang me back the next day and said her son (13) has swore down he absolutely did not show her anything. There was nothing on his phone. That he had said, she had overheard him laughing in about sexual stuff with his friends which he apologised for but that was it.
I explained, that what my daughter told me, she couldn’t have known, and the way she explained it proved she didn’t know what it was, only she knew it wasn’t right.
My friend then proceeded to tell me my daughter probably knows much more than she lets on, and I should baby proof her phone! (Her phone has always been for school walking only) and she doesn’t have access to the internet at all.
So basically my friend has took her sons word and now it is incredibly awkward.

what do I do?
this is someone who is considered as family. We love each others kids like our own, and despite her kids going off the rails a little and lying Iv always loved them like they are my own.

I don’t know how to approach it at all!

My daughter had asked what was going on and I had to tell her that they believe he is telling the truth. To which she broke down in tears, and said she wish she never said anything. Which makes it worse I want her as a young girl to be able to tell me things that make her feel uncomfortable and to be heard. - And this isn’t a little white lie or swearing ect. This is a teenager lying about showing my 10 year old something extremely sexual.

this whole experience as a parent has me overwhelmed.

Thoughts from an outside viewer are greatly appreciated!

Please stop leaving your children at this house. You cannot trust this family they do not have her best interests at heart and by keep sending her, you aren’t protecting her either. She shouldn’t be there unsupervised around these children she is only 10. You already knew what these kids and parents were like and you are still sending her there? Regardless of your friendship your child’s needs come first don’t they? Doesn’t this answer your question? They don’t seem to care about your kids or what they are exposed to, so they aren’t your friends and you have to take action to protect her. I can’t really get my head around that you knew this about these children (sexual behaviour) and knew the parents were lax and knew they would lie and protect their older son, but you kept contact? Just take a big step back and look at this. You have way too much blind faith in a friendship that doesn’t have the solid basis of anything positive. They are also terrible parents from the sound of things and so you can’t expect they will do a better job with a child who isn’t theirs

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I would absolutely have to keep my distance from them from now on, and tell them why.

Their son acted completely inappropriately and also illegally. He showed a minor porn, that is illegal.

I would be very clear to your daughter that you are so pleased that she told you, that you understand the courage it takes to tell something like that, and that you’ll never ever put her in the situation again where she has to see him again. He has abused her and your “friend” is covering up for her.

Id be really clear with your friend why you can no longer socialise with them.

Ive had to distance myself from two friends because I could foresee this exact set of circumstances happening. It’s sickening.

I hope you and your daughter are ok

Your friends don't care about your friendship if they're so quick to lie to protect their son, knowing what he is like. Therefore, I would pull-back from the friendship and also as PP has said, keep your daughter away from these people, you can't really trust them to do what is right or appropriate. Also, reassure your girl that she did the right thing, and you believe her, no matter what the boy's parents say.

Hey Menora,

Just to clarify it was the girl who was caught sending things to other boys. The son has never done anything sexual (that we know of)
and I never leave them, we are always there just having a coffee and a chat and the kids just wander in and out. Up to now we have never had any kind of issues at all!

The other kids are always punished for vaping etc grounded phones removed and so on. I just never have had any issue with them before personally or with my kids as we have all been around each other for over 14 years.

thanks for your view on it. :)

Hmmm it seems you are poles apart in your parenting and priorities, despite your shared history and regarding them as family.

It’s time to take a big step back from this family - my DS(9) is still young but if someone has told me when he was 14 what your DD had I would be absolutely horrified and furious. I would also not be so naive as to think because I couldn’t find these images /videos etc on his phone that it doesn’t mean he didn’t have them at all.

Never allow your DC to be alone with either of friend’s DC - the girl too. If you must continue to socialise with them then do so in a public place, and not either of your homes where kids can disappear to a bedroom and be looking at inappropriate stuff. I’d be distancing myself, at least until her DC start behaving much better.

Thankyou, it’s totally caught me left field and I have already distanced myself but feel like a conversation needs to be had as the call ended abruptly when she basically called my daughter a liar. But I can’t see it ended very well.

She is always my priority and I have already called out we won’t be going, they won’t be coming here and I’m so proud of her for telling me and moving forward if anything ever does happen at whatever age that makes her feel any kind of way to try and tell me straight away

Thankyou for your view on it :)

You’ve outgrown this family. That’s fine. You’ve had a long friendship but you’re not compatible any more.

I was reading your post and knew that she would believe her son. Your son warned your dd that he would deny it and that he’d be believed. I believe your daughter and please let her know that you do too. It’s not her fault that the friendship is ending - it’s part of life.

I wouldn't be able to just let this be. I'd be saying to your friend you are telling me you do not believe your 13 year old son showed my 10 year old daughter porn. That despite being able to describe it but not understand it she somehow accessed it on her own phone and then told me a pack of lies about your son, when she would have had no reason at all to tell me she had seen anything at all.

I'd be threatening her with the police. He is above the age of criminal responsibility. It is abuse of trust, abuse of power and frankly you need to show your daughter that she is upmost important here and that you believe and support her 100% - to the point that you will cut off friendship with the entire family. Unless you get a confession and apology from mother and son.

talking to adults in a sexual nature over the internet

It's the adults in that scenario who are the problem, not the kids.

I think you have to accept that your friend believes her son. Don't pursue this further by trying to show her 'evidence' of your daughters version of events. You believe your daughter, she believes her son. If you want to stay friends you have to drop it.
Saying that, what you can do is NEVER leave your daughter alone with her children again. If you are going for coffee, either you go alone or your daughter stays in the same room.

Lay it on why don't you!

Thank you

This is why she said she wishes she never said anything because she knows they are all a huge part of our lives.
I have reassured her that no one on this planet comes before her and her brother and it’s not a case of picking sides but doing what is right.

thankyou :)

"we love each other's kids as our own"
Such bullshit

You don't and you shouldn't so stop pretending calm down the friendship, that's not your family, give your children some distance from them.

Honestly it’s just good to hear it from others views that I’m doing the right thing.

I can’t just drop it it’s not in my nature to do so. We will need to have a conversation however I think it will go south pretty quick.
The friend has already said she has told her son police could get involved but he said he wasn’t bothered as there was nothing on his phone.

I have honestly went over the top reassuring her.
Unfortunately as a child I was subject to sexual abuse so I didn’t know if that was making me overly sensitive to the situation.
I have no family to speak to about this, and friends are all friends of friends so can’t really discuss this.

thankyiu :)

Ime it's important your dd feels safe in her environment and what she tells you is believed.. Keeping her away from them is vital. Sadly your friend is raising her dc differently.. Her choice. As is yours to walk away and leave her to it.

The 13yo was showing off to your 10yo. He's a young teenager. He probably feels that talking about sexual topics is "grown up" and was showing a clip of something sent between his friends as part of the showing off and impressing your 10yo, rather than trying to groom her or anything super nefarious. It's not appropriate behaviour, and I'd be annoyed that his parents believe him rather than taking action to address it. But is it worth abandoning a close relationship with the family over? Or is the lack of response from the parents the final nail in the you just aren't compatible as friends coffin?

He's 13 and already enjoying adult content that his woeful parents are being completely useless about stopping and protecting him.

Porn viewed regularly at a young age desensitises and confuses an immature brain which could lead him to prematurely engage in sexual practices with or without consent.

I would stand up for your daughter and say that she is not safe in the company of your son and you 100% believe her and the friendship is now at an end.

You can't recover from this, he subjected a ten year old girl to look at things of a disturbing nature and his parents are not taking his behaviour seriously.

If you let it go there is the chance that as your daughter matures, he may molest her.

Cut all ties with the family and tell your daughter if the boy approaches her she is never to go with him.

Her son not your son! ^

You have out grown doing family stuff together and it is now up to you if you do things with the adults but without the kids. This is what has happened with some of our friends, the kids stop getting on as well or have different friends so we do things without them. You certainly need to safeguard your kids.

You've absolutely done the right thing to cut them off and support your daughter.

I wouldn't elaborate to your group of friends about it though.

I would say we fell out over what was appropriate for children.I felt the trust was gone. It's sad but it's how I feel.

Mind boggling why you would even allow these kids to be around yours given what they have been up to? Why?? I would take this further and feel this needs to be reported.

You are being UNREASONABLE to have told your daughter that they believed their son over her. That was too confusing for her and now she will take the blame for the fallout.

You should have had the courage to be forthright with your so called friend and said “if you don’t deal with this appropriately the friendship is over.”

Thank your dd and take all the responsibility for ending the friendship. Tell her it was your decision and that her confiding in you was not the cause.

Totally agree with this.
Definitely time for a bit more distance and spend more time as a family without them. It sounds like this will be less stressful and it’s possibly the best way of keeping your friendship.

Her son is being really inappropriate. Looking at online porn when a teenager isn't unusual, showing it to a ten year old girl is more unusual.

This boy isn't safe around your daughter and as his mother doesn't accept that it will be impossible for them to spend time together because there won't be adequate supervision levels.

It is sad to lose a deep friendship but your dc cannot safely mix. So your friendship seems unlikely to survive.

I don't know if this is useful context but my brother parents very differently to me. My mother disagreed with his style so much, and the poor behaviour of his children, that she doesn't host family get togethers because she doesn't want their behaviour to influence my kids. This might be considered harsh but as far as she's concerned she doesn't have to put up with it in her house.

In your situation I think she'd combust.

Your friendship can never be the same - the trust is gone, sadly, even if your friend had responded appropriately.