Severe lies between our children and friends children HELP

[New15]

Long one so will try and compress down!

I have 14 (Boy) and 10 (Girl)
Lifelong friends have 2 kids 14 (girl) and 13 (boy)

these people we see every weekend, we holiday together have been through good and bad together and are so important to us.

Background being both my friends kids have been caught out lying about Drinking, Vaping, talking to adults in a sexual nature over the internet sending explicit pictures to other people in the last 6 months or so.
My kids are the model of good behaviour, neither have ever done anything wrong (I’m so lucky) my boy 14 is massively into sport so his health is priority. We have different parenting styles, I am more of a gentle parent with the others being the opposite.
Both my kids are always honest and upfront and have never done anything to not have my trust.

my Daughter 10 last week said she had something to tell me and got really upset.
2 weeks ago, whilst round their house. My daughter (10) went in their sons room (13) for a few minutes a which is totally normal and had said he was having sexual conversations with other friends over PS5.
he had turned and said sorry did you know about that stuff?, to which she responded “yes, I did sex education at school last week”
He then proceeded to show her on his phone what I believe to be porn. He also asked her if she knew what it was. At 10 years old she was trying to describe what she saw, but struggled as she didn’t understand it, however I knew what she was talking about straight away. She felt uncomfortable and pretended to need a drink to which he said, if she was to tell me, he would say it was her and she would get into trouble.

Now she does have Tourette’s and struggles with decisions and some emotions massively which is why I assume it’s taken her a week to pluck the courage up to say something.

I rang my friend and explained what I had been told and that I was so shocked by it. The friend apologised to which I said it’s not your fault but please speak with him and let me know.

we knew he would lie because he lies about everything until it’s black and white in his face to which he couldn’t lie.

my friend rang me back the next day and said her son (13) has swore down he absolutely did not show her anything. There was nothing on his phone. That he had said, she had overheard him laughing in about sexual stuff with his friends which he apologised for but that was it.
I explained, that what my daughter told me, she couldn’t have known, and the way she explained it proved she didn’t know what it was, only she knew it wasn’t right.
My friend then proceeded to tell me my daughter probably knows much more than she lets on, and I should baby proof her phone! (Her phone has always been for school walking only) and she doesn’t have access to the internet at all.
So basically my friend has took her sons word and now it is incredibly awkward.

what do I do?
this is someone who is considered as family. We love each others kids like our own, and despite her kids going off the rails a little and lying Iv always loved them like they are my own.

I don’t know how to approach it at all!

My daughter had asked what was going on and I had to tell her that they believe he is telling the truth. To which she broke down in tears, and said she wish she never said anything. Which makes it worse I want her as a young girl to be able to tell me things that make her feel uncomfortable and to be heard. - And this isn’t a little white lie or swearing ect. This is a teenager lying about showing my 10 year old something extremely sexual.

this whole experience as a parent has me overwhelmed.

Thoughts from an outside viewer are greatly appreciated!

I think this would just mark the end of this friendship if I was in your position to be honest.

I’d be inclined to report this to the police too.
Could have been a lot worse. The police, as I’m sure you know, can retrieve content from phones.
I would ask if all 4 adults can thrash this out somehow but I would absolutely pull back from this friendship.

Absolutely this!

Sadly, I have seen it time and time again - parents blindly defending their kids no matter what. Nothing unusual here! I would not argue with parents but I would never allow my kids to be on their own with the friend's kids, and would not allow any close unsupervised contact, even not allow them to sit close on the sofa etc. This could turn very serious, OP - you don't know what this boy would want to do next, or what the girl might teach her/ make her do - your daughter is not safe with either of them.
TBH, I would not be friends with anyone who's kids have these kind of problems. Because I would never allow my DC to socialise with children like this, and it would be very awkward to explain. Easier just to dump them.

He might have nothing on his phone that he’s aware of, but police would be able to see what has been accessed using his phone. He could easily still be shown to be guilty here.

You say you are "gentle" and they are "the opposite." What does this mean? Are they hitting, shouting, enforcing harsh punishments? Authoritarian parenting results in sneaky children who lie to avoid punishment. On that basis alone, I would say your values do not align well and I would struggle to have a friendship with these people.

However, now her son has sexually abused your daughter and she has responded by blaming the victim. Abusers frequently start by showing the victim disturbing or upsetting content in order to see how far they can push them and where the boundaries are. As your daughter has told you before it went any further, he will probably now move onto another target.

Your daughter has reported this to you and it's your job to take it seriously. The minimum you can do is cut off all contact with this family immediately. What you should probably do is contact the police.

Your friendship with this family is over.

I would literally send a text message

We believe our daughter has told us the truth therefore this is now going to be the end of our friendship. With something of this nature there isn't a middle ground or compromise. Thank you for the memories and It's sad that things have ended this way, but sometimes life doesn't work out how we think it will. Wishing you all the very best for the future.

Wishing you all the very best for the future

they are seriously going to need it...

I would make your daughter's school aware so they can provide support but also to protect yourselves by showing you have taken steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

This is a form of abuse and intimidation. Obviously your lovely DD must never have to see the perpetrator again.

Your friend obviously doesn't love your DD like her own. I couldn't continue to be friends with someone who was willing to risk my child's safety. That crosses a line.

I'm not sure what I would do but I would consider sending an account of what happened to the boy's school in the hope that it will keep others safe by building a picture.

Not to kick you while you're down but it was naive of you to allow a situation where your DD could wander into the bedroom of an older male teenager whom you don't trust. I'm sure it's been a learning curve.

I would second the idea of telling your DD how pleased you are that she was brave enough to tell you so you can keep her safe and do things that are actually fun instead of worrying. If she's not sleeping, acting out of character, having trouble focusing or changing in her eating habits, I'd get her to a play therapist sooner rather then later. Now that everyone is growing up at different rates, it's time to find new friends and won't that be fun.

Showing a child pornographic images is sexual abuse. I would not engage with this family any further. I would speak to the safeguarding lead at your child's school about what has happened or I would ring the nspcc for advice on how to support your daughter and on what steps to take next. You need to safeguard your child.

I would apologise to DD for putting her in the position of that happening to her. The other child is obviously not going to apologise, and she needs to feel that none of this is her fault and that her parents shouldn’t have allowed unsupervised contact with a child who is off the rails. That shows you are taking responsibility and have control, and won’t allow it to happen again.

So would I, especially in light of the previous incident of the friend’s daughter being groomed. I wouldn’t hesitate.
Your DD possibly/probably isn’t the first victim of his behaviour.
As for it being deleted, so what? The police can easily find the evidence and the fact that there’s nothing to find on your DD’s phone.
Report him and hopefully he’ll get the help he clearly needs before another young girl is targetted.

Also - and I cannot repeat this enough - your daughter is the victim of a sex crime. That’s how serious this is.

Your daughter is 10 and vulnerable. This boy has shown he cannot be trusted. Do not allow her in his bedroom or to be alone with him. Sadly some/quite a few teen boys watch porn. Be very careful.

Don't leave your younger children at this house unsupervised from. Now on

Also. You sound very naive and very blinkered about your daughter. Noone is "that" good ;)

So i suspect that your friend is trying to tell you that

I would however distance the children. Its now the age gap shows and its vast

This friendship needs to be over. He's shown her porn what if this escalates to touching. Your friend has already rover she will believe her son.

Proved I meant. I'm furious to think your friend will try to blame your dd or her tourettes. At 10 she's too young to put together the if you tell I'll day it was you. That is far more a teen thing. I say this as the mum of a teen a 10 year old does not think that way.

@New15 if the mum isn’t able to take this seriously ( and she may need a bit of time to process what you have said) …I would actually be notifying the boys school. Some of the things that your friends kids have done like sending pictures and talking to adults sexually are indicators that something isn’t right…at best it’s lack of intervention by the parents and no policing of internet access, at worst it may be 1 or both of those kids are being groomed or possibly have experienced inappropriate sexual behaviour by an adult. As others have said, the fact that the boy involved a younger girl is concerning.

Try to blame Op's daughter for what though?

She says he showed her something on his phone, he says he didn't.

He doesn't deny that he was talking/laughing about "sexual stuff" with his friends & she overheard.

So you think it's 50:50 who's lying? I don't. The boy has a motive for lying and a history of lying. OP's daughter has neither.

Yes. He's just a youngster too, but the fact that he warned her that if she told anyone he'd deny it and he'd be believed, doesn't sound very innocent at all.
He must have realised her shock and that's why he made the threat. Its not just showing her inappropriate material, its the threat involved.

It may or may not mean the end of the friendship, it really depends on how willing both sides are. But it looks like the OP will put her daughter before the friendship.

Having read your initial post and subsequent responses, I think you have handled this situation remarkably well. I don't think you have overreacted based on your own experiences, I think it is quite understandable that you would be furious that this boy has exposed your little girl to this.

As others have said, I think what he's done is illegal and I'd be tempted to take this matter further. If you don't want to involve the police, perhaps consider contacting his school to make them aware of his behaviour as there may have been other incidents.

His mother could have handled the situation a whole lot better, it's one thing to protect your own child - we all do it - but it's quite another to accuse a little girl of lying when it's clear from everything you've said that she is not. She ought to be very, very alarmed by his behaviour.

Do, or say, whatever you need to do to get things off your chest and make your feelings quite clear but after that cut them out of your life. My trust in this boy would be gone, and his mother.

I think you've said everything you can to reassure your daughter that she was absolutely right to tell you, just keep reassuring her for as long as necessary.

So you think it's 50:50 who's lying?

No.

If it was my daughter I would believe her.

But then I would have cut contact ages ago let alone let my daughter into a 13yr old boy's room!

She’s 10 - this isn’t something you can handle with the other mother over a cup of tea. This is a police and social services matter - the former to report him so that at the very least it’s recorded to corroborate if he ever does anything like this again or it escalates, and the later to support both families however required - he might have some underlying issues that he needs support to tackle.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but ignore whatever fall out this could cause. If the options are a) step up and protect your daughter, teaching her that her safety will always come first and she should always be open with you but lose the friendship or b) let this kid think he can do things like this and face no consequences whilst his darling mother lies through her teeth and gas lights you well quite frankly it’s not a choice is it. He needs firm consequences or it’ll escalate and your daughter needs to know you trust her and will always protect her.

To me the other mums reaction would kill that friendship - if you don’t want to safeguard my kid then I don’t want you in my life.

I am not sure why is everyone jumping on "nothing can be found on phone" and "it must have been deleted".
We are in 2024.
You can access porn on every corner of the internet and show it to someone.