Severe lies between our children and friends children HELP

[New15]

Long one so will try and compress down!

I have 14 (Boy) and 10 (Girl)
Lifelong friends have 2 kids 14 (girl) and 13 (boy)

these people we see every weekend, we holiday together have been through good and bad together and are so important to us.

Background being both my friends kids have been caught out lying about Drinking, Vaping, talking to adults in a sexual nature over the internet sending explicit pictures to other people in the last 6 months or so.
My kids are the model of good behaviour, neither have ever done anything wrong (I’m so lucky) my boy 14 is massively into sport so his health is priority. We have different parenting styles, I am more of a gentle parent with the others being the opposite.
Both my kids are always honest and upfront and have never done anything to not have my trust.

my Daughter 10 last week said she had something to tell me and got really upset.
2 weeks ago, whilst round their house. My daughter (10) went in their sons room (13) for a few minutes a which is totally normal and had said he was having sexual conversations with other friends over PS5.
he had turned and said sorry did you know about that stuff?, to which she responded “yes, I did sex education at school last week”
He then proceeded to show her on his phone what I believe to be porn. He also asked her if she knew what it was. At 10 years old she was trying to describe what she saw, but struggled as she didn’t understand it, however I knew what she was talking about straight away. She felt uncomfortable and pretended to need a drink to which he said, if she was to tell me, he would say it was her and she would get into trouble.

Now she does have Tourette’s and struggles with decisions and some emotions massively which is why I assume it’s taken her a week to pluck the courage up to say something.

I rang my friend and explained what I had been told and that I was so shocked by it. The friend apologised to which I said it’s not your fault but please speak with him and let me know.

we knew he would lie because he lies about everything until it’s black and white in his face to which he couldn’t lie.

my friend rang me back the next day and said her son (13) has swore down he absolutely did not show her anything. There was nothing on his phone. That he had said, she had overheard him laughing in about sexual stuff with his friends which he apologised for but that was it.
I explained, that what my daughter told me, she couldn’t have known, and the way she explained it proved she didn’t know what it was, only she knew it wasn’t right.
My friend then proceeded to tell me my daughter probably knows much more than she lets on, and I should baby proof her phone! (Her phone has always been for school walking only) and she doesn’t have access to the internet at all.
So basically my friend has took her sons word and now it is incredibly awkward.

what do I do?
this is someone who is considered as family. We love each others kids like our own, and despite her kids going off the rails a little and lying Iv always loved them like they are my own.

I don’t know how to approach it at all!

My daughter had asked what was going on and I had to tell her that they believe he is telling the truth. To which she broke down in tears, and said she wish she never said anything. Which makes it worse I want her as a young girl to be able to tell me things that make her feel uncomfortable and to be heard. - And this isn’t a little white lie or swearing ect. This is a teenager lying about showing my 10 year old something extremely sexual.

this whole experience as a parent has me overwhelmed.

Thoughts from an outside viewer are greatly appreciated!

Agree 100% with this.

The friend has already said she has told her son police could get involved but he said he wasn’t bothered as there was nothing on his phone.

This is because he does not understand that the police are able to retrieve deleted search history. I would imagine his response would have been very different had he known that fact and when you have the conversation with the Mum, I would be telling her that.

I have a 9 year old daughter and what the boy did makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I'd never leave my kids alone with any of them again. And I'd explain to the friend why. Her son is on a path that could actually turn uglier and your daughter could end up caught in a very hurtful situation if she's alone with him.

Come off it.

He probably does understand what the police can do but that doesn’t stop some people from lying no matter what evidence is in front of them (or the boy is telling the truth).

Come off what?

Perhaps you're right but it might give the Mum some pause for thought.

I have a 10yr old dd, I would be apoplectic over this and would cut the whole family dead going forward.

That would be it for me. No more discussions, blocked and done.

I wouldn't rule out calling the police either. The little fucker knew exactly what he was doing.

Why would you trust them with your children? They obviously don't monitor what goes on in their home .
It's only going to get worse . You are not as close as you think . She thinks you are a bad parent .
A ten year old should not be exposed to porn .

I haven't got children and this made me go cold. I think this might be a former friend.

Showing children porn is no contact sexual abuse and it doesn't matter if the perpetrator is age 13 that's still what it is.

Op, as a survivor of CSA it’s common to worry you are over reacting as it’s likely when you were abused, adults under reacted, so you don’t have a clear frame of appropriate response.

but… you do

you know what the adults should have done to protect you, and that’s what you do to protect your daughter.

you lay the blame solely on the perpetrator, you praise your dd for her strength to tell you. You congratulate her, you raise her up, you believe her, without question.

yes, alert dd school
let dd know this is to help her and to open up trusted adults for her if she is struggling. Consider police but only with dd ok,
this helps reinforce, perpetrator did something wrong, not dd. I’m not sure what they will do.

sorry this is happening, but reassure dd none of it her fault. She didn’t ask for it or want it.

her silence may equal internalised feelings, so don’t be afraid to mention it again, how proud you are she told you about what happened to her.

we often shy away from painful conversations hoping it not being talked about means it’s disappeared but you will know that doesn’t happen.

❤️

When my DD was 8, she told me that a boy in the class had been talking to them about 'stuff' and she didn't like it- it upset her.

To cut a v. long story short- Dad had allowed 8 year old totally unlimited access to Tiktok/internet. He'd watched gay hardcore porn and was telling 7/8 year old girls about it. I looked up the safe guarding email for the school and emailed them; emphasising how serious this was. They took it very seriously and while they couldn't tell me what they said to him, I know he was invited into the school to discuss what had happened. I was also told they had invoked full safeguarding procedures.

In your case, it's in a private home, so I'm not sure if they can do anything- but having been in a similar situation with my young daughter, I just wanted to say I understand how difficult it is. I emphasised to her how brave she was telling me when she was so upset by it.

I would absolutely file a police report about this. There will be other victims and you and your husband have the information to prevent as many victims as possible. 14 yr old boys are old enough to know better than to show porn to little girls.

Hopefully, you can get your son and DH on board to reinforce with your daughter that good men and good boys don't act like that boy did and that she did the right thing telling you. I think this is a crucial element to helping your daughter if your whole family rallies behind her.

I do empathize, OP, I really do. Losing close family friends because their child's behavior is beyond the pale is painful, despite being the right thing to do. We have family friends who have a son with 'anger management issues'. We only socialize w/ the parents now. He can't be trusted around our children (and no, he doesn't have SEN, he's just an entitled shit).

Another child showed my 8 year old daughter porn, it completely traumatised her at the time, it was someone in school.

Id expect the boy to lie and to be honest I’d expect his parents to believe him. But this is incompatible with you continuing the friendship as before.

I know that is sad for you but unless there’s a massive shift from them I don’t see a way back.

To be honest, with all that's gone on the friendship is pretty much compromised now. The lad won't want to talk to your daughter who has dobbed him in it and will likely be giving the rest of you a wide berth. Mother will be avoiding your daughter who she pretends is the liar and not her little Prince. She won't be best pleased with you, the messenger, either.
Your daughter will feel awkward and embarrassed about the situation too. I can't see much hope really for a continued relationship.
I should concentrate on your family for now.

There are very troubling issues in the other family. The behaviour of the children is terrible and not limited to this recent, awful incident. The mum’s reaction to the recent incident is also very concerning. Please, please distance your children from that family.

I think it's natural that the mum will side with her son, she obviously hasn't been able to prevent the previous bad behaviour either and is in a very difficult position. People will always side with their own children and family members over friends. It's not at all surprising.

The time has come to keep your kids away from her kids at least for the time being. You could continue to see your friend without the kids . I am not sure there's any point pursuing this further with your friend. She probably already knows you're right and is in denial.

It's good that your daughter told you about this - obviously whatever you do, make sure your children aren't out of your sight with these children. To be honest, a 10 year old girl shouldn't be in the bedroom of a 13 year old boy, unless doors are open and parents nearby, that seems to be asking for trouble to me. Obviously there was no supervision as he was able to watch porn etc.

I noticed this! And OP's parenting is all lovely and "gentle" but the other parents have got it so wrong.

Bottom line is we don't know what happened, no adult was present, and each parent naturally believes their own kid.

A friend of my daughters grinded on her mate and scared her. My dd had to pull him off. Was a long time ago. It was reported to the police no charges but they had a serious chat and I hope this nipped any behaviour in the bud for this boy in the future. It appeared to but will never know for sure.
Sexual chat on line with mates its why we have a load of misogynists.

I do understand the trauma of losing a friend over this. It is a bereavement but things can't be the same again.

Also are they strict authoritarian parents?

Agreed.

Iv always loved them like they are my own.

This strikes me as really odd and probably was the reason your DD was afraid to tell you. I don't love any other kids like my own, not even nieces and nephews. Anyway the upshot is the kids can't hang out together anymore as you can't leave them alone together - just hang out with the parents on their own and don't bring your kids.

You have to put your own family first. If you believe your dd then you have to curtail relations with your friends.

The friendship is over. You know she’s lying (intentionally or not) so I don’t see how you move forward. Accept that, move on and keep your kids safe; with those age gaps it’s probably best to be vigilant and not leave kids unsupervised esp when you know the other kids are diff.