Severe lies between our children and friends children HELP

[New15]

Long one so will try and compress down!

I have 14 (Boy) and 10 (Girl)
Lifelong friends have 2 kids 14 (girl) and 13 (boy)

these people we see every weekend, we holiday together have been through good and bad together and are so important to us.

Background being both my friends kids have been caught out lying about Drinking, Vaping, talking to adults in a sexual nature over the internet sending explicit pictures to other people in the last 6 months or so.
My kids are the model of good behaviour, neither have ever done anything wrong (I’m so lucky) my boy 14 is massively into sport so his health is priority. We have different parenting styles, I am more of a gentle parent with the others being the opposite.
Both my kids are always honest and upfront and have never done anything to not have my trust.

my Daughter 10 last week said she had something to tell me and got really upset.
2 weeks ago, whilst round their house. My daughter (10) went in their sons room (13) for a few minutes a which is totally normal and had said he was having sexual conversations with other friends over PS5.
he had turned and said sorry did you know about that stuff?, to which she responded “yes, I did sex education at school last week”
He then proceeded to show her on his phone what I believe to be porn. He also asked her if she knew what it was. At 10 years old she was trying to describe what she saw, but struggled as she didn’t understand it, however I knew what she was talking about straight away. She felt uncomfortable and pretended to need a drink to which he said, if she was to tell me, he would say it was her and she would get into trouble.

Now she does have Tourette’s and struggles with decisions and some emotions massively which is why I assume it’s taken her a week to pluck the courage up to say something.

I rang my friend and explained what I had been told and that I was so shocked by it. The friend apologised to which I said it’s not your fault but please speak with him and let me know.

we knew he would lie because he lies about everything until it’s black and white in his face to which he couldn’t lie.

my friend rang me back the next day and said her son (13) has swore down he absolutely did not show her anything. There was nothing on his phone. That he had said, she had overheard him laughing in about sexual stuff with his friends which he apologised for but that was it.
I explained, that what my daughter told me, she couldn’t have known, and the way she explained it proved she didn’t know what it was, only she knew it wasn’t right.
My friend then proceeded to tell me my daughter probably knows much more than she lets on, and I should baby proof her phone! (Her phone has always been for school walking only) and she doesn’t have access to the internet at all.
So basically my friend has took her sons word and now it is incredibly awkward.

what do I do?
this is someone who is considered as family. We love each others kids like our own, and despite her kids going off the rails a little and lying Iv always loved them like they are my own.

I don’t know how to approach it at all!

My daughter had asked what was going on and I had to tell her that they believe he is telling the truth. To which she broke down in tears, and said she wish she never said anything. Which makes it worse I want her as a young girl to be able to tell me things that make her feel uncomfortable and to be heard. - And this isn’t a little white lie or swearing ect. This is a teenager lying about showing my 10 year old something extremely sexual.

this whole experience as a parent has me overwhelmed.

Thoughts from an outside viewer are greatly appreciated!

You cut them off. Immediately. What her son did in the context of his age and her age is a criminal offence. I would report it to the police.

I’m also going to add your daughter feels bad because she is now the middle of awkward. She needs to see clear firm boundaries from you, any future contact with the parents or children is telling her it was ok.

This I’m sorry but he’s 13 she is 10 / I would report it. It’s illegal and then he lied.

Regards the friendship, it's over.
It will not recover from this.
I'm so sorry this has happened.

I agree. It’s horrendous. And no wonder the kids are off the rails. This is permissive parenting at its worst.

My thoughts exactly.

And a teenage boy having access to porn could well be putting himself in a vulenrable position, so there's a potential safeguarding aspect to this.

Friendship is over. I wouldn't have it out with the friend, you've already tried and this is where it got you. You'll get more defensive lies and aggro and just get upset.

She believes her child (not unexpectedly) and you believe your child (who objectively is most likely to be telling the truth). In doing so, you are both accusing the other child of being a liar.

I can’t see the friendship continuing as it was (if at all) now and certainly you won’t want the children together. I would also report to the police and let them deal with it from here (but the friendship is going to be non-existent afterwards regardless of whether he is proven to be lying or not).

Also, I agree with a PP that you clearly don’t love their children as if they are your own so you need to step away from saying that as it’s probably damaging towards your own children, especially given your friends’ children’s behaviour.

I can’t imagine being so wrapped up in another couple that you spend every weekend with them, it seems pretty weird.

I would just cut all ties now. There’s no point pursuing it with her, you won’t get anywhere. And you can’t ever spend time together as a family after this.

This is everything, spot on in every respect. 👏

Background being both my friends kids have been caught out lying about Drinking, Vaping, talking to adults in a sexual nature over the internet sending explicit pictures to other people in the last 6 months or so.

Yet you still wanted your kids around them?

Not only that but this-

2 weeks ago, whilst round their house. My daughter (10) went in their sons room (13) for a few minutes a which is totally normal

I'm maybe bloody odd but why, knowing what you know about the kids didn't you stop that?

JFC your poor daughter.

I know, it’s awful. And this was at least 10 years ago.

Feels like there is a lot of hate on here! Ultimately it's a really sad situation and you have to do what's best to protect your child which means losing a very close family friendship and that's really sad and like a bereavement. I'd give it all some space and perhaps they'll realise that there is truth in it and reach out to you to build bridges. From their perspective they are protecting their child which I understand.

I am sorry this happened to you, @Helpel . As a child, a similar thing occurred in my surroundings. Our three sets of parents were friends, we were 9, 10 and 15. I was the 10 year old. The 15 year old boy sexually harassed the 9 year old girl, I am not sure for how long but it happened on multiple occasions. She told me when we were both teens, she never told her parents. She had to endure this for years. The thing is, I know they would disappear together, but I had no idea what was going on.

I am very thankful he did not pick me, but my friend endured the repercussions of this for a long time (early sexualization, not telling her parents, inappropriate older boyfriends when she was a teen and young adult).

@New15 , if you manage to salvage the friendship, please don't leave your DD alone with your friend's son.

You do need to step away from these friends.
You are too emeshed in each others lives.
Your child has said what she said. On face value on an anonymous internet forum it's probably her that's telling the truth but either way distrust has now been caused, the children shouldn't be around each and the boy will most probably now ramp
up his lies to cover what he did. He most likely used a private browser and no evidence will be found until he slips up.
Viewing internet porn and talking to people online may lead to other things. He will certainly have s as screwed up view of sex and his parents have let him down by not monitoring his content at such a young age.

Please consider reporting it if only to protect him from what is not a nice world to be involved in. Think of as safeguarding a vulnerable person rather than reporting someone bad

I agree that it is a serious issue. However I would also temper that if you love and value these friends like family then perhaps you can find a way through.
You do sound like you are sure you have perfect children who will do no wrong and perhaps that's true but growing up can be messy and mistakes are made. Teens can find themselves doing all sorts of stupid things without it immediately meaning sexual abuse or malicious intent was on the cards.
There may be a time when you wish you had good friends to discuss teen issues with if down the line your children have any problems.
Just a different opinion to the ditch them immediately crowd.
Perhaps cool it for a while and see if you can meet up just adults and have a chat about it all.

I cannot believe how naive you are being. Everything that has gone on in the last 6 months and you have them in your house, and alone with your vulnerable daughter!!

There people have shown you that they do not see your children as their own, belief that and step well away from this family before anything worse happens.

This. My heart was in my mouth reading this, I thought it was going to be much worse than content on a phone. Wise up @New15 what if he’d exposed himself? Or asked her to ? Why would you want to remain friends with these people and put your kids at risk

Sounds like he’s a naive teen who doesn’t realise that police could access stuff he’s deleted from his history. Maybe if she told him that he would fess up.
For me the most important thing would be to change your daughters mind set of not speaking up again because she hasn’t been believed. Make it 100% clear that you DO believe her and tbh Id probably even say you’re considering reporting it to the police (even if you don’t but so she knows you believe her). I’d then say to her that you never have to see him again if you don’t want to.

The only choice you have here is to go to the police, OP. Will you do that?

I think your friend's response is predictable.

She wants to believe her child and without proof cannot call her child a liar.

I agree it seems much more likely your DD is telling the truth, but mothers don't make impartial judgements on 'liklihood', they look for ways to beleive their own child.

If you really care about your friend and her son (you claimed you loved him...?) I'd accept she is doing what she needs to for her son, but you need to do what you need to for your DD.
I'd explain to your DD that you beleive her, and that Aunty just doesn't want to think badly of her son.

I'd tell your friend that you feel that it's probably best you keep the kids apart aftre this incident but that youre happy to do things just adults.

You do seem unrealistically confident that your kids would never do anything wrong. Most kids, or people, lie or mess up, at some point. Not having the internet is not a guratee of no emotional or behavioural issues at some point.
My closest friends are those of us who have whethered some issues with kids at some point, and we've been non judgemental, supportive listeners over time.

Protect your DD, but that doesn't mean this boy is evil or that you'll never have issues with your DD.

Tbf you needed to put boundaries in place. It is not normal for a ten year old family friend to be going into a 13 year olds room. I don’t even let cousins age 9 go into my teens room unless I am there.

OP I've been in a very, very similar situation.

There isn't a solution. I'm so sorry. Kid will lie his face off, parents will believe him in spite of the fact that the kid has a history of bad behaviour and lies, and they'll turn against you. The more you push this, the more they'll lash out and hurt you. And deep down, a part of them does (or should) know that their son is lying so they're hurting you on purpose to protect their own interests.

Your friendship is over and the best you can do is extricate yourself in a way that causes the minimum damage to your daughter. Tell her you believe her, that what he did isn't acceptable and that you think you should do some more fun things rather than spend time there. Never let her see that it upsets you - this is vital. She mustn't learn from this that 'telling people didn't solve anything and made the people I love sad'. She absolutely mustn't. I'm sure you know this.

It’s not immoral at all if she believes him.

My point is that it is perfectly natural and understandable that she would believe him; just the same way that OP believes her child.
There is no evidence except what one says versus the other , so it’s a question of who you trust. Each mother naturally trusts their own child over the other.

Confession ... apology ... police...

No, just no