Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

And I wouldn't be surprised if the 'drama llama' poster was one of them. Seems to have roughly the same level of empathy.

Feel for the op but some women dont grow out of this mean goady behaviour. Horrible.

Wow the birthday girl A, what a utter selfish bitch. You've just had surgery weeks ago and are still recovering, which in itself is a big thing, your husband has just found out he is seriously ill with a life limiting illness that will require lengthy invasive treatment.

Then in the day/evening a train is cancelled so your husband is late home, you can't leave to attend A's birthday on-time because you can't leave a 7 year old child home alone, so you know your going to be late, you miss the pre dinner drinks but you let A know you'll be late/miss drinks but you'll be there for the dinner. You arrive and bring a gift (others did not) and they have ago at you! What deplorable, selfish behaviour. OP you are definitely better away from those ghastly women. How utterly immature and disgusting! Shame on them! The audacity is breathtaking....A is a selfish bitch. Regina George. The film means girls is based on a book called queen bee and Wannabees...

You sound lovely x hope you recover from your surgery and your husband gets well soon.

If they are here reading this then shame on them.

If they aren’t here but are women or men tempted to do this to their “friends” then maybe this thread has made people sit up and look at behaviour.

Good for you @Summerdays24 and as she didn’t bother to thank you for the gift I’m imagining a conversation where you tell her to give it back (obviously pretend but - bloody cheeky obnoxious cow - fuming on your behalf).

This is horrific. So sorry you went through this. Some friends are fair weather friends, they can’t relate to or really understand what others are going through/ I got diagnosed with a rare condition and my short term future was unknown at the time. I found myself in the weirdest situation where I was literally dropped by a best friend because possibly she felt like it would not be fun to support a Friend who is unwell. What I’m trying to say is your friends show their true colours when you’re goijg through something challenging! It took me some time to come to terms with this!

I feel like some people genuinely lack empathy and can’t put themselves in other peoples shoes.

They are not very good friends. It sounds like they've picked the "weakest", the one going through a hard time, to put the boot in. They'd be doing so to make themselves feel better about their own shitty lives. I'd distance myself from these people & tell them exactly why. I hate that pack mentality.

This is ‘mean girl’ behaviour. Seriously….id not be hanging out with anyone who behaved so badly. Just rude.

Well done OP. You showed so much restraint than I would have done in the WhatsApp group. But I honestly think you’ve been so dignified, despite feeling really awful about it all.

hold your head high

This is horrible behaviour by the 'friend' and her cohorts. That she was also moaning about her husband 'disappointing' her, and about other people not bringing presents (this would be considered rude in a 6-year-old), indicates that she is an extreme birthday-zilla and an all-round spoilt brat. The way she treated you would be awful even if your dh were not so ill and you were not recovering from surgery; under the circumstances it is inexcusable. I suspect that those who sided with her were weaklings, whom she was blaming for not bringing presents, and were trying to direct the heat from themselves onto you. Anyway, now you know who in the group are your real friends. I do wish you and your dh all the best with your health.

Appalling behaviour, you must be so hurt. Only one asked how you were😕😕speaks volumes about the type of people they are. Ditch!!

Why would the Birthday girl ruin her own birthday by causing such a scene! She must be a miserable person to be honest. You were there for the main event and brought a gift - they were totally unreasonable. Is it possible that she might be jealous of any sympathy you may receive from the rest of the group for the problems you are currently facing. Sounds very odd behaviour

Friends are supposed to support each other in times of need. Not behave the way some of them did. I wouldn’t go to the bbq. I would WhatsApp them something like ‘hope you are well. I found our last get together really upsetting and think it’s probably for the best if we don’t go to the bbq. Just wanted to let you all know now so that you have plenty of notice.’ That way you are being polite and giving yourself some breathing space.

Op, sending you and your family hugs. Life has a way of getting rid of the things that shouldn’t be in your way, this is one of those times. Those women who had a go at you sound horrendous, and if they can’t support you because you wasn’t able to make the dinner in time for the reason you had, they definitely won’t be there to support you in your times ahead! That isn’t friendship so I would say, this is just what you needed to save you from future disappointment. It would have hurt you more if you believed them to be friends and found out when you really needed them. Grieve the friendship and remember every end means a new beginning, concentrate on those that love you as you do them. 💖

I am so sorry 😔 for you, what awful so called ‘friends’ no wonder that you cried.
I’m SO angry on your behalf!
You sent a message before hand to explain you wouldn’t make the drinks so what is their problem?
surely the dinner is the more important part of the night and you were there!! So what the fuvk is their problem I don’t get it.
If I were you I definitely wouldn’t make the first move, it has to be the nasty ones to do that if you are going to stay friends but honestly I would give them a wide berth and avoid seeing them at all they made it perfectly clear that they are not your friends.
stay true to the nice friends after all you deserve them.
I wish you well with your husbands health and of course your own health too
they say people will always show their true colours and you have seen this first hand. All the best for you in the future and here have some lovely flowers 🌺🌺🌺 🌺 just for you.

I mean tbh it’s irrelevant whether you’ve had surgery or your husband is ill. If you cannot leave the house because your husbands train has been cancelled on the way home from work and there’s no one to stay with the kids for you to leave then wtf did they expect you to do?! To have a go at you over something like that is fucking crazy. You planned for your husband to be with the kids so you could attend. Something beyond yours and his control happened. I’m not sure how anyone is supposed to plan for that/‘be more organised’. Did they expect your husband to book the day off work just to make 100% sure he was home with the kids lol!? 🙄The fact that you even went considering what you’re going through they should have just been grateful you even went! I really don’t understand why they’ve got funny at all. It really doesn’t make any sense tbh! It’s just bang out of order to have a go at you for that reason anyway and even if it was a shit reason they know what you’re going through so it was cruel tbh!

WTF !!shame on them !! they need to reflect on this behaviour.,who in the right mind acts like this its disgusting.Just drop them and move on and if anyone asks you why don't you see such and such anymore name and shame them.Im sure everyone would agreed that this is not normal behaviour. They sound like very mixed up, immature bitches.I would be embarrassed to call them friends.

They would have been drinking before you arrived. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and after a few drinks, people may do and say things they otherwise wouldn't. But that means your friends are showing their true colors! Perhaps the ringleader is jealous of you, despite all your troubles, and gathered others to her biased POV to gang up on you? The fact that the host didn't acknowledge your gift is telling.

If you are normally on time as you say, and texted them to warn you would be late, then they were unreasonable and unempathetic to gang up on you like that. In your shoes, I would be very upset.

Those who ganged up on you aren't your real friends. Otherwise, how could they not feel embarrassed when they made you cry? You could certainly text a message to the group explaining why you are offended by their lack of empathy. However, this will be effective only if it was a misunderstanding--which is hard to believe. Otherwise, those involved won't be apologetic and will probably say you are being unreasonable and gang up on you again. So brace yourself!

In your place, I would tell my real friends first--the ones who defended you. See what they have to say. Maybe they can give you more information on what happened before you arrived to help you understand the situation better. If merited, and unless this friend group is really important to you, I would withdraw from the group and stay friends only with the empathetic ones.

Did wonder if something else had triggered the "birthday girl" - but it seems like she was her own worst enemy as she spoiled the evening for herself as well as you. Hard to understand this behaviour, but you don't need friends like this.

Give it time. You may be able to move past it but only if there are no future occurrences of this nature. I do think the mean girls owe you an apology. Was it a milestone birthday or something? Can't understand why adults would go nuts over something like this.

I am so sorry they said this to you, especially in your current situation. This is diabolical.

i would have walked straight out and be currently ignoring them. I would rather be alone than this.

i wish you and your husband the very best.

Balls to your so called friends, as they said with friends like that who needs enemies!

Also at the risk of being Debbie downer some of those women and their Dh will receive bad diagnoses themselves. Hope they cringe.

I am so sorry some people were horrible.

I would stick with the ones who were nice. Ditch the others. How mean.

Hi OP,

I’m sorry some of your friends treated you so badly and at such a tough time.

Even if you were not going through so much a friend should understand that if you can’t leave your kids until your husband gets home then you can’t - the world doesn’t revolve around them. But it is particularly nasty for them to make a thing of it when they should be asking how you are.

All I wanted to add is if you are close with any of the nice ladies you don’t need to burn your bridges with everyone just because of birthday girl. Why not ask one or two of the nice ones if they would like to come over/go for lunch/a drink whatever. If they ask about mean girls - just say “no - I’ve had enough of them for a bit” and din’t let thinking about or talking about mean girls dominate your meet up. You can have nice friendships without them.