Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

I agree with this. She's vile.

so your husband was late from the office due to train delay and that’s why you couldn’t make friend’s birthday drinks so join the group straight at dinner? And your friend, an adult, throw a tantrum because of this as 6 friends at drinks were somehow not enough for her??? I can’t believe what I just read. And this before looking at your other personal circumstances.

These women are stupid mean bitches. For any normal adult it’s such a non event if one of their friends late for drinks due to childcare/ traffic/ work issues.
who needs enemies with such friends?
Drop them off from your friends list. They are stress and headache.

It sounds like you have a tough time ahead with your husbands health. Ask yourself if this group are actually going to support you through this as some of them sound like a load of self indulgent whiners with a severe lack of empathy.

If you aren't normally late and managed to make the dinner I would have been fuming at the berating you got from half the group. Given the birthday girl sounds the worst of all I think I would have walked out. It was only a birthday for goodness sake and you had a valid excuse for being late. Honestly you will meet all sorts through life. Throw the selfish ones to the kerb.

Spot on.

My friend's husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer at the beginning of the year and nobody has treated her like this. I can't believe what I've read. They're disgraceful.

I’m sorry some of them treated you like shit, I would have got my bag and told them I’m not putting up with their nonsense and I would have gone home, infact I’ve done this in the past!

To hell with them and their bitchy behaviour

Whenever you have a largish dinner party you can expect some to be a bit later than others and at least one to drop out for an emergency. They sound childish frankly. The point of pre drinks in our house is to deal with the fact people all start arriving at slightly different times but everyone to get there some point before or for dinner - and then can start dinner together. I’d just ignore and move on I think. I also agree with others that this is an OTT reaction from some friends about your husband’s disgnosis, some can react in truly odd and sadly cruel ways.

Your ‘friend’ is a narcissist and she has also turned the others against you. That word is so overused these days but a similar thing happened to me. I kept in touch with the nice ones and got rid of the rest.

I am so sorry that this has happened. I kept thinking of the Lord of the Flies and them turning against the weakest of the group. The birthday woman and her henchwomen are just vile. I would have nothing to do with these people. Their seem to have been at least some decent people in the group and maybe you can keep in touch with them though, to be fair, after this display of their true nature, I'd judge anybody who chose to socialise with them. My grandfather had a saying, "It's a long road but there's a turn". It perhaps suffers in translation but it's a variation of they'll get their comeuppance eventually.

OP you have learned the hard way that large groups of 'friends' like this are rarely anything but superficial. There's a group of the mums at my dd's school who are like this. They act like they're the best of friends and post photos online etc just for show but the minute the other's backs are turned they're bitching not just about each other but each other's kids. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

I sometimes feel a bit inadequate because I don't really have many friends but then I realise that I'm not 12 any more and don't have the time or energy for such fakery. My little family will always be my priority and grown adults who need to pretend to like each other just for the sake of an instagram post and somebody to stand next to at the school gate live a much sadder existence than those who are comfortable enough in their own skin to not need such bullcrap IMO.

You definitely don't have time for fake friends with everything you're facing. You need real people who are comfortable with your situation and will support you when you need it. These women have shown you their true colours. As the saying goes 'when someone shows you who they really are, believe them' Give the bitchy women a wide berth. Maybe reach out to the ones who were kind to you (especially the one who stuck up for you and squeezed your arm) I'd be tempted to message these privately and just let them know that you appreciate their support and that if they want a coffee any time then you'd love that.

See this as a positive OP. You've seen these people for who they are before you face bigger challenges. You're free of their fuckwittery now and can concentrate on what really matters.

WOW.
And who are you exactly???

The ones who had a go aren’t friends, realky. Like a PP I hate lateness but I’ve never had a go at a friend for being late/flaky esp if there’s extenuating circumstances. I’ve had some health issues which meant I couldn’t attend a friend’s function last minute (literally could not get out of bed), and they were really nice about it, dh still went (I insisted - by the time the event time rolled round I could get to the loo and had eaten).
And you even went to the dinner part so really they should’ve had no issue. My response would’ve been ‘no worries, see you for the meal!’

This. 100%.

OP none of them deserve any more input from you. You say you have other close friends. This will be enough. You just don't need any of this crap.
Disengage 100%.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you x

OP this is spot on

I'm sorry this happened to you. What a horrible evening, and very odd of them. I'm trying to make sense of them (and perhaps it isn't possible!), but have you ever commented on her being late for something before? Maybe she took offense?

Have you considered she may also have younger children??

This.
I am shocked ! Also are they five year olds ? Who is this precious about birthday drinks ? It isn’t as if she was left alone in a restaurant for ages, and even that under the circs would have been something to not make a fuss about.

Wwyd?

I'd just have told them to pack it in or I'm going tbh.

I wouldn't see it as friendship ending as if you've known your friends for years, the bonds should be such that you can have disagreements without throwing the baby out with the bath water so to speak. And friends don't all have to be besties all the time. It's a social group of fallible humans at the end of the day and we all fuck up and do unfriendly things at times unless we're suck up people pleasers who are far worse as they lack any kind of character or personality of their own. (Obviously not mumsnet people...)

BUT, you are going through a delicate time and your good long term friends should be treating you gently. If they don't get that, space is a good idea.

I'm not a fan of burning bridges over small but annoying squabbles and upsets that we teach our children to navigate every day, its all part of being a social species, sometimes we're not going to be our best selves and you never know when you may need the association with that person down the line, in another setting, where they act differently.

But I'm certainly a fan of categorising friends based on their actions i.e. close, intimate, social only. So if you don't feel you can trust these friends even on a social level at present, I would be filing them under associates for now and concentrating on your own and your husbands wellbeing.

There have been no further replies on WA and the chat has moved on. I have removed myself this morning, and messaged a few of the others that I am stepping away and focusing on dh for a while.

I am being dropped because he is ill, and we are not a ‘fun couple’ anymore I guess. We have suddenly found out that they are not real friends, and their friendship is conditional on us being available for ‘good times’ only, I have no doubt birthday friend has engineered this change, as she has not even acknowledged me since the dinner.

Thank you for your support and such great advice. I can see why pp avoid groups! The issue is you don’t just lose one friend but all of your friends in one go when things go wrong.

Ahh sorry you’ve had to go through this op. People can be really shit. Well done on letting them know about it and keeping your head high. I truly hope they find this thread and learn something about themselves. Wish all the best for you and your DH.

Twist it round you must be awesome company if your lack of presence at some drinks causes such an upset!

😂 Yes they clearly couldn’t cope without me! 🍸

Hope u ok. Op my cousin texted after year half to find out what college my daughter got. My point is here they flaky bitches. I keep my circle small now. You dont need this shit

That was precisely what I thought, on reading the OP. Like a pack of wild animals. Vile.

Thank you for your support and such great advice. I can see why pp avoid groups! The issue is you don’t just lose one friend but all of your friends in one go when things go wrong.

Yes but another way of looking at it is the trash threw itself out 😉

You will be fine and as awful as your situation is you'll find out who your real friends are and have time to form even stronger bonds with these people and surround yourself with the positivity you need