Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

Honestly, i have come to realise that most people are shitty! What a pack mentality! Only one out of the other 7 responded to your message. What does it say about them?
Sad realisation OP but don't waste your energy on them.

If you are confident that this is not a common pattern from you . I would put a message up saying how hurt you were at their attitude. As they know leaving the kids alone was never option, it was completely unavoidable. That you have a lot on your plate at the moment with your own health and your husband recent health diagnosis and really didn’t need this.You thought you would have received support and understanding and are devastated to find that was not the case and felt attacked when you are feeling vulnerable . If it’s really bothering you, you might want to leave the WhatsApp group and just keep contact with those who supported you. People who make you cry are not friends

If your husband wasn’t going to be back in time were they expecting you to take them or leave them at home alone?? Silly girls…these things happen and can’t be helped

Your best friend is your husband, and at this time you need each others support. Your so called friends have shown their true callers, get rid. Your husband is your constant.

I’ve also experienced girlfriends going really weird on me, first when my (now ex) husband got cancer and then when we got divorced. I’ve no idea what goes through peoples heads. I’m there for everything with my friends but I think people just want to feed off your energy when things are good, they have no intention of giving back when you need the support.

You are about to find out who your real friends are. The ones you lose make space for better ones to come along. In years to come you will hopefully see this as a positive thing to have shed the bad energy, even though it’s really tough right now.

I’m not shocked tbh. I went through an awful time within a few years, two miscarriages, my mother nearly died, ivf and then made disabled by a horrific pregnancy. I had a friend ghost me, but before she did she said in one of our last conversations that my life was too depressing. Well jeez thanks. Glad I listened to all your rants about being single. She’s still single, shocker.

It’s meant I’m no longer invited to that group’s group events. The other women in it have no idea the nasty things she’s said about them, that one of their babies is “fugly” and that she thinks one of the women is a “neurotic mess”. I’ve phased them all out. They are welcome to each other.

Sorry for the massive upheaval in your life. Sending an unmumsnetty hug your way. X

Gosh, what a horrendous bunch of women. You're better off without them. Shame on them

And where were they when you had your surgery?!

Life is too short for friends like these. You text to apologize you were going to be late and they still had a go at you? They should be grateful it was important enough to you for you to come and bring a gift as well. They were so busy smugly showing how able they are they forgot that sometimes people have far worse that doesn't get shared.

I actually got so fed up with this happening in a group I belong to that I had one of the Committee explain what was going on in my life and to basically stop asking questions/cut me a break. My friends in that group were fantastic. One person was still a total cow and the rest just kept their sniping to themselves. These types of events really do show you who's worth keeping as friends.

You don’t need those negative people in your life at the moment considering what you and your hubby are going through. Look after yourself and your hubby. Sending positive thoughts your way. All the very best on your recovery and your ability to stay strong for your husband 🥰

It is true that you find out who truly are your friends during the hard times.
I'm sorry you had to find out in such a brutal way.
Don't give the cows another thought, block them and move on with those that defended you, they're your real friends.

I read somewhere that some people drop friends who become ill because it scares them. It reminds them of their own mortality and that they are not in control of their own destiny. They want to carry on living in their bubble where bad things happen to other people, but somehow they are immune.

I am sorry this happened to you but I think you have to frame it as a measure of their personal deficiency, a wish to remain in a childlike state rather than face the harsh realities of grown up life.

I'd be distancing myself asap these people are not friends

Great post, Sparsely

That's crazy

There will be some people who support birthday girl because they, perhaps unwittingly see her as their leader. Its group psychology and you are better off away from someone like that who is clearly not your friend, and doesn't want the spotlight turned away from her.

Yes its a shock and devastating when this hits you, but honestly, you will be much better without these people in your lives.

Wishing you and DH all the best for the future.

This is unfortunately very true sometimes. It is the main reason people victim blame too.

OP
Hope you are OK
There are lots of people who have been through similar - when going through difficult life stuff, “friends” don’t step up but do the opposite (turn nasty) : you are not the problem
It’s a combination of Mean Girl stuff, narcissistic traits, “scared” of illness, not wanting to invest energy into supporting someone else
Step away and make room for nicer people in your life

What a bunch of bitches. Hope you’re ok.

Hope you're feeling better after surgery & I'm sorry to hear of your husbands diagnosis.

Send a group message to all those that upset you calling them out for their behaviour towards you. Explain that you're going through a lot at the moment & thought as friends they would support you not have a go for being late to a party. Let them know that it was unavoidable because of the train being late & that it was a one off so it's no biggie missing drinks. Thank those friends that had your back & stood up for you & if you don't receive apologies from those that had a go at you back off from them & let them miss your friendship.

Going on all you've said (not being a regular latecomer) I can't understand why the birthday girl and her entourage got so angry about you missing drinks. You didn't say whether they were aware of your recent op or your DH diagnosis, if they were then they were especially harsh, but even if they weren't the reaction was totally disproportinate - how old is the birthday girl? 12?!! The scenario you described is like a scene out of 'Mean Girls' with her pathetic sycophants echoing her spiteful sentiments. She sounds like a right charmer anyway after complaining about the lack of gifts from her other friends. Think in your shoes I would cut loose from this group and maybe just stay in touch with the ones who stuck up for you, and forget about going on any holiday with the whole crowd - no point putting yourself up for more potential abuse, those women are really not your friends.

Some people feel unbelievably entitled in their birthdays. As though there is no behaviour that can’t be excused as if they have an amnesty and for that day everyone must adore. Bit like the old folk tales of being king for a day ( though they were usually sacrificed after that). There’s that. There is also the fact that you shared your personal griefs when in fact that had nothing to do with the complaint or attack. It was enough surely that you had informed the groups of your position vis a vis husband having train cancelled and apologising for missing drinks as presumably you knew he would be back in time, but no earlier for you to make the meal.
why should you be attacked for that? Were the group feeling you had been playing victim too much? In the same way you told us if your post surgery and husbands life limiting condition? Was that relevant to the behaviour? It certainly made you feel more sorry for yourself and us to feel sorry for you. You too were expecting special treatment, reasonable though it might be.
upstaging the birthday girlzillah?
Groups can quickly become bullies when they see weakness. Perhaps they feel that weakness is catching. I don’t know but I have experienced this.
I’m sorry they made you publicly cry. And still did not comfort you. That is the pits and this is where your behaviour was irrational, you would not normally cry if someone accused you just of canceling drinks because of lack of child care, that’s bonkers. It’s because you felt sorry for yourself and they didn’t share it.
It is up to them (individually perhaps) to approach you. Don’t contact them.
Of course you deserve support but don’t expect that is what will happen. Be brave, be strong and prepared to be tough.

The birthday friend sounds like a totally bratty bitch!!
So she was already pissed because her partner hadn’t done what she’d expected of him, then was pissed because you were late for reasons completely out of your control… then moaned that everyone hadn’t showered her with gifts… I suspect everyone picked up her food and drink tab instead of giving a gift! ?!?
She sounds totally entitled and spoilt and you’re better off without her and her little gang of bullies!!

I hope the nicer ones keep in touch… but don’t get dragged into talking about the nasty ones… just say what’s done is done and you want to move on… just encase they feed back to mean girls!

Do try to keep in touch separately with the friends who stuck up for you. You don't deserve to lose them as friends just because of this spiteful, self-centred madam and her sycophants, as they were not cowed into joining the attack on you, so they might be worth hanging on to.

I left a whatsapp group a couple of years ago (only 8 friends for about 5 years though) because my closest friend in the group was attacked on the group for keeping us up to date on a close loved one's treatment for terminal cancer. There was an inane comment made on the whatsapp post from someone in the group (who obviously hadn't bothered to read the message properly) to say "hope your dad gets better soon". Which shocked me, but my friend then replied in detail that he would not get better and why. To that, another member of the group launched a condescending, patronising attack on my friend, words to the effect of she thought it was inappropriate for my friend to be sharing all this information with us, as other people in the group had also lost loved ones - well reading that I was even more gob smacked!!

Not long after that my friend left the group, and she was out of touch whilst caring for her father. I also left the group a few months later as I felt uncomfortable socialising with a group who didn'ts seem at all concerned by my friend's sad situation. I managed to regain contact with her months after she left and our friendship is thriving now - we have other mutual interests and are very similar in our outlook on life, so I am really glad I persisted with messages to her, whilst she was feeling very vulnerable - hopefully you can salvage a friendship out of your group, I think you can have a better time with just one or two friends rather than a large group, as you haven't got to cater for bossy people with large ego's.

Hope your husband's illness does not cause either of you too much distress in the future and you stay strong for me, take care.

And I’m very sorry to hear about your husband..
You will sadly learn who your true friends are now. And maybe make some more at support groups.

when my daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes aged 10, friends who we saw a lot of (mum and daughter same age as me and my DD) just stopped seeing us…. I’d message about meeting and it was always that they were busy and ‘maybe half term’ … I gave up trying! .. when we see them out now they avoid us, and the girl doesn’t talk to my DD at school and the mum (who works there) hides from my daughter…. It’s rather pathetic really

How awful! OP I am so sorry this happened to you. This however sounds like a ‘her’ problem! She’s projecting her unhappiness on you and making you feel bad because she’s already in a mood. She sounds very demanding and horrible!
The older I get, the less BS I can stand and I would be completely cutting her out of my life! If the other friends are true then they will make the effort to stay in touch with you. I know it’s easier said than done but she really does sound toxic and not worthy of your friendship. When the chips are down, you really see who is there to support you and she sounds like a selfish woman!
sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis x