Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

OP I think it’s just brilliant that you said your piece and then removed yourself from the group so swiftly. There’s plenty of threads on here that go on for 40 pages with the OP too scared or meek to set any boundaries.

If you were still in that group you’d be twitching every time you hear what’s app and wondering what’s going on even if you had muted the chat. You are so right for leaving, I hope you and your husband can be good supports to each other during this time! You’ve got enough on your plate without a ‘friend’ crying over her birthday drinks 🤢

Sorry, my very best friends are women but I went to a girls' school and believe in toxic femininity because for a short while, I was the school rebel and excommunicated (not to worry, this was the making of my character) and I saw how female group dynamics play out when there are queen bees around. Those women are not your friends, birthdays are important but they are for showing care and concern, not making obeisance to the queen bee. The birthday "girl" sounds like a total bitch. Ditch.

Just read through Op's replies. Well Done Op! Hang out with good people and all the best to your DH and your family.

Wow, they were extremely idiotic and immature. Sod them op. I wouldn't want people like that as friends.

Well done @Summerdays24 . Hopefully when things settle you'll find 'grown up' friends who can cope with real life. And you always have us.

@Summerdays24 you definitely find out who your friends are in situations like this!
My DH became ill several years ago. He was in the construction business, did a lot of cheap work for friends.....then had to give up work due to various health reasons. Haven't seen or heard from so called friends- even his best friend of over 35 years- for 8 years. It hit him hard. But the problem is their's, not his.

Didnt rtht , just your posts

Well done for saying what you had to say and then removing yourself

I wish you every strength moving forward and I hope that those that are real friends stand by you moving forward

I have someone in my family who does this. They've done it to me twice. Once when my mum was dying and again now that a close family member is ill and needs care (which I am helping with). They recently went non contact with me, but in the process made me feel so bad about myself because I kept thinking that there must be a reason for someone treating me like that, but these people are incredibly self centred. My family member had no thought that what she did was taking an incredible toll on my mental health.

Op, there are ways in which your friend could have put a bit of distance between you if she can't cope with illness, but to do it in this manner when you are so vulnerable and going through so much speaks volumes. That others in the group have followed suit is absolutely reprehensible.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This didn't happen with a whole group and me but one woman.

We were doing a course together that was mainly men and became very close within a group with other men. She was prone to taking advantage but I didn't take it personally, it seemed fairly harmless if quite irritating. We were in our 30s, I'd a good social life and wasn't short on money and all was well in my life.

Then I got cancer. I was actually with her when I was rushed to hospital. I asked her to phone my mother which she did. I literally never saw her again. She sent some flaky messages initially saying she would be in to visit but she very busy so couldn't say when. This was a woman I'd seen nearly everyday for four years. I was always up for some fun and I usually paid as she had financial challenges.

Years later she contacted me on social media saying she would love to catch up. I laughed.

If I hadn't experienced it myself I would say this could never happen.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but really if they are those types of people this would have happened at some stage.

I am far choosier now about who I spend my time (my most valuable resource) with. Quality over quantity when it comes to friends.

This woman is giving off mean girl vibes. Complaining about gifts? Seriously, high school entitlement antics😐

I can't believe that none of them have replied and acknowledged how out of order it all was???!!!!!

I hope they have their collective tails between their legs (but I fear that they are so oblivious to their conduct because no one has passed comment on it up to now).

@Summerdays24 - you are better off without these particular people in your life. I do hope that you're feeling a bit better in yourself and that your DH is doing well, all things considered.

Horrid isn't it, you feel as if you have wasted years on people when it was all fake superficial 'friendship'.

You sound absolutely awesome, OP, and I'm so sorry you are in such a tough situation. All very best wishes to you and your DH .

@IamNewToThisGame I absolutely can believe it (sadly). This woman’s flying monkeys are under strict [unspoken] instructions. I wouldn’t be surprised if they know somewhere inside themselves that this woman’s behaviour was totally out of order but they’ve got to save their own skins, responding to OP would risk being cast out. I bet they’ve observed what falling out of favour looks like a few times.

These sorts of people kind of get off on the fact someone else has been made the villain. It’s almost like a mini cult where the central person decides who is in and out of favour and these weak people pander to that. They never discuss situations between them without Queen Bee’s input. If they start talking to each other and doubts creep in, such as ‘I actually don’t think she was very nice to OP’ then that is fatal for Queen Bee. I bet that little group never socialise without QB there.

I’ve seen this kind of things so often. It’s what my Granny would have called ‘emotional cowardice’ and it stinks. OP is well out of it even though it was painful and very unfair.

Those people who had a go at you are not friends ditch them stay in touch with the ones who supported you

I'm

Very simple OP. Fuck 'em.

Stick with the nice friends, bin the rest. Better to find out now that if/when DH is even more unwell and you were relying on their support. I'm sorry though, it's horrible. Great you have a nice SIL to rely on too.

Since reading this thread over the last day or two it's reminded me of a scenario with some friends when we were students, about 20. There was a definite 'queen bee' person who I was 'grateful' to be friends with from around 15 years old but I only recognise her as that now we look back and I'm not friends with her now - neither are any of the other women funnily enough ...

What happened was that I had another friend with the same name and Queen Bee Rachel had a boyfriend called Luke, and they kept splitting up. Whilst split up he had a few dates with another friend of mine also called Rachel but this didn't progress. One evening I was out with QB Rachel and three other friends and in the club I saw Luke with his friends and chatted to him when he told me that he'd enjoyed dates with my friend and vice versa but they didn't fancy each other.

Evening progressed as normal then when I next asked QB when we were going out again (see there, why I didn't organise it myself) she was bitchy as hell. "Sophie heard you talking to Luke about me and told me" she bleated at me. I explained it was not her we were talking about and she'd clearly just heard the first name being mentioned but she was huffy and said "Well ring me again sometime" and hung up.

I left them to it and avoided her and went out with other friends but I did see her with Luke out a few months after so they had got back together, and they both spoke to me so cordiality was resumed. The following year we all (girls) went on holiday together and it was fine, but on reflection she called the shots as to what we did. She dumped Luke and eventually married someone else. I actually had a date with Luke myself but never told her😉

Now I recognise what she was doing. In our first year she had a bitch about her zits and how I looked "it's all right for you with a face like that" and she joined in with the year's Mean Girl to have a go at me when I got a particular boyfriend. She could be a mean girl herself.

Years later I bumped into Luke in a coffee shop and we chatted. He's married now and he asked me if I ever saw Rachel. I told him no and told him why!

They do this because they are just rotten underneath. Not real friends at all. I wish I'd found that out 15 years ago.

Oh well done OP, the trash took themselves out, they showed you who they really are. It's very hard when you realise people you thought were friends are actually not.

Good luck to you and your family

???
Do you not think its a bit OTT to extrapolate that because ONE person has had ONE issue in ONE friendship group after 13 years, that ALL large friendship groups are superficial?

What counts as "large?" I'm interested to know what the boundary is - if I've got 3 friends are we a supportive and close group of friends but adding one more person suddenly makes us a superficial group of bitches?

Overexaggerated and tbh jealous sounding posts like this are as ridiculous as OPs birthday friend reaction.

@Summerdays24 I'm absolutely horrified for you that these people were so vile and unsupportive. If I had been at that dinner with you I would have walked out with you and ended the friendships with them.

I can't believe that some women can be so vile and self centrered.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and best wishes to your family

This isn't 'one issue' it's a gang of women who OP thought were her friends systematically and manipulatively isolating OP from their group due to their own petty insecurities at a time when she needs them most. I stand by my observation. There's no absolutes but in my experience these friendship groups are pure fakery

what was the gift OP. Please tell meshe returned it out of shame, good enough to keep the present though was it !

I don’t think you can extrapolate that all large female friend groups are bad it’s personality led. One of our local mum friend grouo had an awful health crisis as a group we took it in turns to visit had a whip round for a thoughtful gift and had a WhatsApp without her to coordinate our support. So the opposite of this group.