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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To challenge a colleague's insensitive behaviour on my friend's behalf?

194 replies

NightOwlGirl · 02/06/2024 23:50

Last week my team was invited to a shared lunch with another team in the same department, the event was organised by managers to promote shared understanding of certain processes. We are lucky enough to have a small kitchen at our office and member of the other team offered to cook pizzas, both meat and vegetarian. One of my good friends and colleague, Emma, is strict vegetarian.

When the pizzas were cooked I observed the team member remove the meat pizzas from the oven followed by the vegetable pizzas using the same utensil. When I saw what he had done I spoke to him and I said "Excuse me but my colleague Emma is a vegetarian, you've just taken the meat pizza out first and then the vegetarian one so you've cross contaminated the two". He looked at me for a moment then laughed and said 'don't worry - she won't mind'. At the point I said quite loudly "How do you know she won't mind? That not for you to decide". This caused other people in the room to stop talking and look up. Feeling slightly embarrassed I left the room. In the end neither me nor Emma took part in the lunch.

I don't regret challenging him, but in hindsight I'm not sure if I could have done it differently. If he had acknowledged his mistake, I wouldn't have raised my voice but it was his casual dismissal and lack of understanding that irritated me. On Friday I had email from my manager saying that the person concerned had emailed her saying that I was unprofessional and I had embarrassed him in front of his colleagues. I don't expect any formal action to come out of this but now I'm worrying that I was unreasonable.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 03/06/2024 11:11

The pizzas were offered by him, presumably he paid for them. If he hadn't then surely you and Emma would've brought your own lunch?

It was a mistake on his part and he said what he did as he was embarrassed. I'd have probably said the same. Basically hoping it would be fine.

Not ideal, but storming out seems ridiculous.
And not in the spirit of the team building event at all.

If anything, your firm should have an office manager who would organise suitable food for everyone, to their request, rather than this somewhat haphazard arrangement.

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 11:12

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 10:56

And that's what makes you 'strangely' biased.

You seem to be refusing to acknowledge how childish and unprofessional the OP was for raising her voice at a colleague, in front of others.

Instead he's the childish one.

No stranger than the mawkish “Awwh, poor guy; he was trying to help!” crowd.

LaCouleurDeMonCiel · 03/06/2024 11:17

FFS really? Work organises a lunch, colleague volunteers to help and all you do is criticise on behalf of someone else for something that she might not even care about.

As multiple vegetarians have said: no issue with using the same utensil to touch the base of both pizzas, not sure where the ‘cross contamination’ would come from?
Not all vegetarians will agree but I think we can say it is a grey area, unlike for ex using the same utensil to slice both pizzas, which would be a no from everybody.

RedRobyn2021 · 03/06/2024 12:23

I don't get it, surely the base of the pizza are both vegetarian and it's only the toppings that aren't... so I really don't see the problem. I think you were really out of order tbh

RedRobyn2021 · 03/06/2024 12:25

Also what was he supposed to say?

Oh I guess she can't have any pizza then because I used the same spatula

If she had a serious allergy that would be another matter

Demonhunter · 03/06/2024 12:30

Blackcats7 · 03/06/2024 10:42

Thank you on behalf of me and the other vegetarians I know. You will be told here that yabu undoubtedly but I would hate to unknowingly eat something which had been touched by meat.

I'm sure the thanks from people who don't like to eat the flesh but have no issue with the slavery and torture while they're alive for things like your dairy products means alot 🙄

skyfalldown · 03/06/2024 12:33

As a strict vegetarian, I'd be very embarrassed on your behalf. I don't need you to speak for me - sliding something under the base wouldn't matter one bit to me

Feelsodrained · 03/06/2024 12:33

Jesus you sound awful. Loudly berating him in public because he didn’t think to do the veggie pizza first. How is it even cross contamination if he’s sliding the pizza out of the oven. And for the two of you to refuse to take part in the lunch as well. You sound severely lacking in social skills.

GreenFairies · 03/06/2024 12:35

Feelsodrained · 03/06/2024 12:33

Jesus you sound awful. Loudly berating him in public because he didn’t think to do the veggie pizza first. How is it even cross contamination if he’s sliding the pizza out of the oven. And for the two of you to refuse to take part in the lunch as well. You sound severely lacking in social skills.

I suspect Emma felt she had no choice after OP put on a complete show on her behalf.

RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 12:55

Gladespade · 03/06/2024 11:01

It really not the same. The only thing that would have had contact with the cooking surface or the utensil would have been bread.

I think you might have missed my earlier comment about the spatula not touching the meat, and therefore this would be a non issue.

greenpolarbear · 03/06/2024 13:10

BobbyBiscuits · 03/06/2024 11:11

The pizzas were offered by him, presumably he paid for them. If he hadn't then surely you and Emma would've brought your own lunch?

It was a mistake on his part and he said what he did as he was embarrassed. I'd have probably said the same. Basically hoping it would be fine.

Not ideal, but storming out seems ridiculous.
And not in the spirit of the team building event at all.

If anything, your firm should have an office manager who would organise suitable food for everyone, to their request, rather than this somewhat haphazard arrangement.

The company probably bought the pizza.

MyFirstLittlePony · 03/06/2024 13:20

Very OTT and ridiculous and dramatic from you

BobbyBiscuits · 03/06/2024 13:21

@greenpolarbear yeah, if that was the case and it involved cooking something in an oven then the person should have a food hygiene certificate. Ideally. It would be better if they had a kitchen person or office manager in charge of supplying and cooking hot food? That would avoid this type of thing.

Matronic6 · 03/06/2024 13:29

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:52

“Strangely biased”? Don’t most people in AIBU tend to take one side or the other?

And yes, I do think he should have addressed things with the OP instead of going to her manager. It’s childish.

Nope, considering the OP instigated the situation and yelled at him he was right to address the very unprofessional behaviour of OP by including management. If she couldn't even stay calm when suggesting that there may be a problem of cross contamination and clearly doesn't recognise that she was unreasonable, he was right not to address it with her.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 13:38

There is no need for a a food hygiene certificate, when he doesn't work with food.

KarenOH · 03/06/2024 13:43

Yes, YABU and were rude in how you handled it. There are much more diplomatic and kind ways to let someone know about cross contamination.

No wonder the teams need a lunch on joint working!

M340 · 03/06/2024 13:59

redalex261 · 03/06/2024 00:18

Dear god. You acted like a dick towards someone at a work team building event. If Emma’s dietary requirements are so restrictive a pizza peel/fish slice coming into contact with the underside of a pizza she should have perhaps considered either being there, serving the pizza, or telling the colleague beforehand to remove the veg one first.

You mucking him out publicly was very rude and pointless - what did you expect him to do after the event? He is not a caterer, and it was nothing more than a thoughtless mistake. No wonder he messaged the boss.

Yeah this.

You sound hysterical.

nupnup · 03/06/2024 14:01

Bellsandthistle · 03/06/2024 02:34

He was trying to help out by cooking the pizzas and he gets berated for his troubles? He’s not a chef. The way it’s written makes it sound like you stood there observing him waiting to catch him out.

If it’s that important to her/you volunteer to sort out the food yourselves next time.

Totally agree!

You 'observed' a staff member taking his time to help out and get the food cooked and served, presumably on his lunch break.

If Emma was that arsed, she should've made it clear before hand as I doubt there's 2 ovens in the kitchen. Even if there are 2 ovens, I doubt one is marked as the 'veggie oven' and the other a meat one.
Do you always fly off the handle about other people's battles that have nothing to do with you?

FOJN · 03/06/2024 14:02

RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 10:20

I think you might have missed my earlier comment about the spatula not touching the meat, and therefore this would be a non issue.

You're right, I did. Apologies.

Justcallmebebes · 03/06/2024 14:05

Yes, but how did the team building exercise go? 🤔

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 14:10

Justcallmebebes · 03/06/2024 14:05

Yes, but how did the team building exercise go? 🤔

I'm wondering if the OP and Emma will get in trouble for buggering off when they should've been attending the event, which was 'organised by managers to promote shared understanding of certain processes.'

She doesn't say whether it was voluntary, but they both look completely unprofessional for sulking off.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 03/06/2024 15:27

Emma could have spoken for herself if she was concerned.
No need to shout enough the whole office heard and then run away before he had time to speak

Anyway, I'm only here to see if OP deigns to show back up

Tbry24 · 03/06/2024 15:34

Thanks for standing up for us vegetarians and Emma. I usually eat nothing at events like this apart from a fruit platter sort of thing as so many people don’t get that I don’t want my food to have been near the meat. Also hate it when the meat eaters eat all the veggie options and leave nothing for the vegetarians.

Mugofchoice · 03/06/2024 16:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

Demonhunter · 03/06/2024 16:50

Tbry24 · 03/06/2024 15:34

Thanks for standing up for us vegetarians and Emma. I usually eat nothing at events like this apart from a fruit platter sort of thing as so many people don’t get that I don’t want my food to have been near the meat. Also hate it when the meat eaters eat all the veggie options and leave nothing for the vegetarians.

Totally get what you mean, I hate it when the veggies eat all the vegan options and leave us with nothing.

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