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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To challenge a colleague's insensitive behaviour on my friend's behalf?

194 replies

NightOwlGirl · 02/06/2024 23:50

Last week my team was invited to a shared lunch with another team in the same department, the event was organised by managers to promote shared understanding of certain processes. We are lucky enough to have a small kitchen at our office and member of the other team offered to cook pizzas, both meat and vegetarian. One of my good friends and colleague, Emma, is strict vegetarian.

When the pizzas were cooked I observed the team member remove the meat pizzas from the oven followed by the vegetable pizzas using the same utensil. When I saw what he had done I spoke to him and I said "Excuse me but my colleague Emma is a vegetarian, you've just taken the meat pizza out first and then the vegetarian one so you've cross contaminated the two". He looked at me for a moment then laughed and said 'don't worry - she won't mind'. At the point I said quite loudly "How do you know she won't mind? That not for you to decide". This caused other people in the room to stop talking and look up. Feeling slightly embarrassed I left the room. In the end neither me nor Emma took part in the lunch.

I don't regret challenging him, but in hindsight I'm not sure if I could have done it differently. If he had acknowledged his mistake, I wouldn't have raised my voice but it was his casual dismissal and lack of understanding that irritated me. On Friday I had email from my manager saying that the person concerned had emailed her saying that I was unprofessional and I had embarrassed him in front of his colleagues. I don't expect any formal action to come out of this but now I'm worrying that I was unreasonable.

OP posts:
SpringerFall · 03/06/2024 06:03

You made it all about you and what you ''achieved'' yes I think you went OTT, if you did it to me I would have put a formal complain in about you and your behaviour

northernballer · 03/06/2024 06:05

I'm a vegetarian and would have been mortified if you acted like that on my behalf, way OTT.

CelesteCunningham · 03/06/2024 06:27

I don't know a single vegetarian who would care about this.

If Emma had an allergy and thus actually needed to be careful of cross contamination she would have told him herself or (more likely) brought her own food along.

He was helping out by bunging a few pizzas in the office oven, not a professional chef. You embarrassed him in front of both teams, presumably. You behaved really badly, and possibly antagonised relations between the two teams.

Hobbesmanc · 03/06/2024 06:34

I'm pretty sure that most vegetarians (I'm one) have eaten pizza, bbq halloumi etc at parties, festivals etc where there's been contact. We manage to share work fridges and microwaves, eat at buffets, share picnic foods without stressing about cross contamination.

You didn't need to be Emma's voice. I suspect she was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing.

TerfTalking · 03/06/2024 06:36

I agree with @jacks11 I also think the OP
should apologise to the poor bloke helping out for embarrassing him and being an all round arse.

if your good friend Emma was so precious about using the same fish slice she would also have been precious about using the same oven as the one the meat feast was cooked in and she should have brought her own food. Does she not have a voice of her own anyway?

if it had been me I would have kept my beak out and just given Emma the heads up so she could make her own mind up.

Roseshavethorns · 03/06/2024 06:37

Sorry, you were way OTT and very rude.
The guy offered to make pizza for a team lunch. That's lovely. He is not a professional caterer working in a professional kitchen. Your friend knew this. As a strict vegetarian would she eat pizza with cheese on it anyway? I have one friend who is a strict vegetarian and she won't eat "normal" cheese. But she is the only strict vegetarian I know so I am completely ignorant about it.
In this situation, if someone has strict dietary restrictions, then I would expect them to bring something they can eat like any other working day and not expect a colleague to have the prior knowledge or experience to cater for them (I wouldn't have thought about it to be honest).
You embarrassed a colleague in a situation that was attempting to create a closer working relationship and then walked away ensuring that there would be no bridges built.
I don't think that you have done yourself or your friend (she will be guilty by association) any favours by acting like that.

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 03/06/2024 06:39

Poor guy was just trying to be nice

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 03/06/2024 06:40

Poor understanding of how cross-contamination works there, OP
If Emma is that worried about meat anywhere near her food, she needs to deal with the clloking/reheating or whatever it is you do to food at such times.
You were v unreasonable for causing a scene and embarrassing the bloke, emma and yourself.

nobeans · 03/06/2024 06:41

You could have handled it much more gently. This guy wasn't a paid pizza server presumably.

He shouldn't have laughed it off but I expect he was nervous.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItHaveAGin · 03/06/2024 06:51

The only person you should have spoken to was Emma.

The poor guy offered to cook for everyone then gets you coming at him obnoxiously fighting for an issue that you perceived.

If you quietly told Emma that he removed the pizza with the same utensil then she would have probably been fine.

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 03/06/2024 06:55

I mean, should he even have been using a FISH slice to remove the pizza from the oven...

Calamitousness · 03/06/2024 06:57

You don’t take a pizza out the oven by its toppings. You touch the base and remove it without touching the top.
you sound like you were spoiling for a fight. Unnecessarily aggressive and none of your business.

sonofrageandlove · 03/06/2024 06:59

You could have had a quiet word with Emma but you chose to make a drama out of it. YABU

OptimismvsRealism · 03/06/2024 07:02

I'm veggie and HATE when other people make a fuss on my behalf. So embarrassing.

Kryten1958 · 03/06/2024 07:07

What if "Emma" is a strict vegetarian for religious reasons? Hindus generally don't eat meat or fish and if so, cross contamination is a very real thing and people need to be more aware of it.

GinForBreakfast · 03/06/2024 07:08

Calamitousness · 03/06/2024 06:57

You don’t take a pizza out the oven by its toppings. You touch the base and remove it without touching the top.
you sound like you were spoiling for a fight. Unnecessarily aggressive and none of your business.

Yeah, this. It's hard to see how "cross contamination" could have happened. You were unnecessarily belligerent and you should apologise.

ASighMadeOfStone · 03/06/2024 07:12

You made yourself look a complete fool @NightOwlGirl and unfortunately are probably now the laughing stock of the other department.

That an actual written complaint has been made about you may sound OTT but verbal abuse in a professional setting isn't really on.

RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 07:14

Given that he was using a fish slice to remove the pizzas I'm struggling to see what the issue is as it wouldn't have come into contact with the topping. On the other hand, if he used a knife or pizza cutter to cut the meaty pizzas first, then the vegetarian ones then I agree that he would have been in the wrong.

However, I wouldn't have challenged him the way you did.

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 03/06/2024 07:14

Kryten1958 · 03/06/2024 07:07

What if "Emma" is a strict vegetarian for religious reasons? Hindus generally don't eat meat or fish and if so, cross contamination is a very real thing and people need to be more aware of it.

You cannot cross contaminate the underside of a pizza.
Unless the fishslice was in contact with the topping, there is no need for hysteria

whhaaat · 03/06/2024 07:15

Removed with same intensity... did they actually touch the meat or just the base? If just base YABU.

Cut with same knife with meat first? You were right.

baskethoop · 03/06/2024 07:16

I can't believe you would actually do this to someone.

I would have gone and told Emma exactly what I had seen, so she could make up her mind about whether she could eat the pizza or not.

I would never have mentioned it to the colleague. It wasn't his fault, he just didn't know.

If I was Emma, next time something like that happens, I would mention ( beforehand ) to whoever was cooking, that it's important to avoid cross contamination and could they keep an eye out ( or offer to help myself ).

What you did was absolutely ridiculous. You need to apologise if you haven't already.

ExasperatedManager · 03/06/2024 07:18

I've been veggie for over 35 years, and I'd be appalled if a colleague decided to "speak up" for me in this way.

If "Emma" had a problem with cross contamination, then it was for her to decide what to say or do about this. Absolutely not your place, and certainly not in such a confrontational way. It must have been so embarrassing for all present.

Loubelle70 · 03/06/2024 07:19

Im a vegetarian and i would not want to eat anything thats been cross contaminated with meat. I would be angry at his nonchalant reply. However, i would have said youve cross contaminated so im going to have to tell her as i know she wouldn't want to eat it. I wouldn't storm off. Just make a point then tell her

Loubelle70 · 03/06/2024 07:20

whhaaat · 03/06/2024 07:15

Removed with same intensity... did they actually touch the meat or just the base? If just base YABU.

Cut with same knife with meat first? You were right.

Obviously only if the spatula touched the toppings...*link to my above post

Bestyearever2024 · 03/06/2024 07:21

ExasperatedManager · 03/06/2024 07:18

I've been veggie for over 35 years, and I'd be appalled if a colleague decided to "speak up" for me in this way.

If "Emma" had a problem with cross contamination, then it was for her to decide what to say or do about this. Absolutely not your place, and certainly not in such a confrontational way. It must have been so embarrassing for all present.

This is my take too

Are you always so interfering and bossy?