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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To challenge a colleague's insensitive behaviour on my friend's behalf?

194 replies

NightOwlGirl · 02/06/2024 23:50

Last week my team was invited to a shared lunch with another team in the same department, the event was organised by managers to promote shared understanding of certain processes. We are lucky enough to have a small kitchen at our office and member of the other team offered to cook pizzas, both meat and vegetarian. One of my good friends and colleague, Emma, is strict vegetarian.

When the pizzas were cooked I observed the team member remove the meat pizzas from the oven followed by the vegetable pizzas using the same utensil. When I saw what he had done I spoke to him and I said "Excuse me but my colleague Emma is a vegetarian, you've just taken the meat pizza out first and then the vegetarian one so you've cross contaminated the two". He looked at me for a moment then laughed and said 'don't worry - she won't mind'. At the point I said quite loudly "How do you know she won't mind? That not for you to decide". This caused other people in the room to stop talking and look up. Feeling slightly embarrassed I left the room. In the end neither me nor Emma took part in the lunch.

I don't regret challenging him, but in hindsight I'm not sure if I could have done it differently. If he had acknowledged his mistake, I wouldn't have raised my voice but it was his casual dismissal and lack of understanding that irritated me. On Friday I had email from my manager saying that the person concerned had emailed her saying that I was unprofessional and I had embarrassed him in front of his colleagues. I don't expect any formal action to come out of this but now I'm worrying that I was unreasonable.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 03/06/2024 10:36

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:29

“Yelling”? So OTT. If this person does make a complaint, OP could rightly point out that things only escalated because he was unnecessarily dismissive when challenged. “Oh well, she won’t mind” - how on earth would he know that? Okay, you could argue that the OP didn’t either, but he didn’t have to assume and dismiss the concerns.

He’s already shown himself for what he is by going straight to the OP’s boss instead of talking to her about it privately. A power CC rarely demonstrates good intentions or judgement.

I think op is the one showing who she is with the dramatic shouting and calling for attention with her white knighting behaviour.
Although am wondering if she expected by doing so everyone would stand and cheer for her!

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 10:37

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:29

“Yelling”? So OTT. If this person does make a complaint, OP could rightly point out that things only escalated because he was unnecessarily dismissive when challenged. “Oh well, she won’t mind” - how on earth would he know that? Okay, you could argue that the OP didn’t either, but he didn’t have to assume and dismiss the concerns.

He’s already shown himself for what he is by going straight to the OP’s boss instead of talking to her about it privately. A power CC rarely demonstrates good intentions or judgement.

He’s already shown himself for what he is by going straight to the OP’s boss instead of talking to her about it privately. A power CC rarely demonstrates good intentions or judgement.

So what does that make the OP for not talking to him about the pizzas privately?

Instead choosing to raise her voice and reprimand him in front of others?

User1979289 · 03/06/2024 10:40

The type of person who loudly and pointedly comments on 'cross contamination' is NEVER the person who buys/cooks/serves/cleans up etc my my experience. What was your contribution to the meal other than humiliating tge person who'd gone to the trouble of cooking and serving?

GreenFairies · 03/06/2024 10:40

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:29

“Yelling”? So OTT. If this person does make a complaint, OP could rightly point out that things only escalated because he was unnecessarily dismissive when challenged. “Oh well, she won’t mind” - how on earth would he know that? Okay, you could argue that the OP didn’t either, but he didn’t have to assume and dismiss the concerns.

He’s already shown himself for what he is by going straight to the OP’s boss instead of talking to her about it privately. A power CC rarely demonstrates good intentions or judgement.

By her own admission, she raised her voice loud enough for others to stop talking and look. So yes, she yelled.

It is completely inappropriate to speak to your colleagues like that. There were other ways to deal with it. OP was in the wrong and it would be right for the other person to complain. I’m genuinely amazed that you’re defending colleagues shouting at each other in the workplace.

TraitorsGate · 03/06/2024 10:42

Perhaps you or your friend should have offered to cook the pizza yourself instead of showing off and embarrassing everyone.

Blackcats7 · 03/06/2024 10:42

Thank you on behalf of me and the other vegetarians I know. You will be told here that yabu undoubtedly but I would hate to unknowingly eat something which had been touched by meat.

SpringerFall · 03/06/2024 10:44

GreenFairies · 03/06/2024 10:23

A complaint about a colleague yelling at you in front of others? No, she won’t be the one who looks ridiculous.

Not buying it

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:44

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 10:37

He’s already shown himself for what he is by going straight to the OP’s boss instead of talking to her about it privately. A power CC rarely demonstrates good intentions or judgement.

So what does that make the OP for not talking to him about the pizzas privately?

Instead choosing to raise her voice and reprimand him in front of others?

So your argument is “Well she did it first…”?

ToxicChristmas · 03/06/2024 10:45

Well one thing is for sure. There will be no more cooking in the office after all that drama.

ThisHumanBean · 03/06/2024 10:46

I think your thread title says a lot.

You felt the need to “challenge” (seems OTT in the circumstances, when a more subtle approach would have had better results) and you label his behaviour as “insensitive” when it was likely not deliberate and he was at work (ie not a dinner party planned at home where he lacked forward thinking) and was doing a favour by helping prepare lunch for a bunch of people (other adults who can use their own voices to help him out by communicating any special needs wrt the food).

What you could have done was have a very quiet word and say something like “whoops you used the same tool there, i know Emma and shes a strict veggie. i hope you dont kind but i might mention the cross contamination to her so she can make a call about lunch. Dont mean to be a dick about it, but i know her well and shes super strict on that…”

*If Emma was my friend and i knew it wouldn’t kill her i just would have pretended i hadnt seen this absolute non-event.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 10:48

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:44

So your argument is “Well she did it first…”?

Sorry, what was your argument again?

That he should've spoken to the OP privately after she raised her voice and embarrassed him in front of other colleagues?

Why can't you see that she caused the unpleasant situation that's caused him to complain to management about her?

You seem strangely biased towards the OP.

BMW6 · 03/06/2024 10:49

Blackcats7 · 03/06/2024 10:42

Thank you on behalf of me and the other vegetarians I know. You will be told here that yabu undoubtedly but I would hate to unknowingly eat something which had been touched by meat.

The utensil didn't touch any meat surely? It only touched the underneath of the pizza.

If it still bothers you then surely the fact that they were both in the oven together renders the veggie pizza "contaminated" anyway? All those meaty molecules floating around........

MaryMack · 03/06/2024 10:51

Ugh, you sound unbearable. Why couldn't Emma stand up for herself? Why did you have to intervene? Why did both of you walk out?

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 10:51

BMW6 · 03/06/2024 10:49

The utensil didn't touch any meat surely? It only touched the underneath of the pizza.

If it still bothers you then surely the fact that they were both in the oven together renders the veggie pizza "contaminated" anyway? All those meaty molecules floating around........

Exactly, and I wonder if the OP stuck her head in the oven to check the veggie was on the top shelf and meat at the bottom? 🤣

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:52

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 10:48

Sorry, what was your argument again?

That he should've spoken to the OP privately after she raised her voice and embarrassed him in front of other colleagues?

Why can't you see that she caused the unpleasant situation that's caused him to complain to management about her?

You seem strangely biased towards the OP.

“Strangely biased”? Don’t most people in AIBU tend to take one side or the other?

And yes, I do think he should have addressed things with the OP instead of going to her manager. It’s childish.

Pablova · 03/06/2024 10:55

Blackcats7 · 03/06/2024 10:42

Thank you on behalf of me and the other vegetarians I know. You will be told here that yabu undoubtedly but I would hate to unknowingly eat something which had been touched by meat.

It wasn’t touched by meat. The utensil touched the underside of the pizza.

A shared utensil to cut both pizza would be wrong but that didn’t happen.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 10:56

StockpotSoup · 03/06/2024 10:52

“Strangely biased”? Don’t most people in AIBU tend to take one side or the other?

And yes, I do think he should have addressed things with the OP instead of going to her manager. It’s childish.

And that's what makes you 'strangely' biased.

You seem to be refusing to acknowledge how childish and unprofessional the OP was for raising her voice at a colleague, in front of others.

Instead he's the childish one.

FanFckingTastic · 03/06/2024 10:57

OP you have been very unreasonable. Shouting at work colleagues because they have accidentally taken a pizza out of the oven in the wrong order does seem a little OTT. Whilst it's unlikely that there will be any formal action to come from this, I reckon that most of your colleagues will think that you are a bit of a dick.

NeedANewPhone1 · 03/06/2024 11:01

I've been a vegetarian for many years. As it's for animal welfare reasons (I don't want to fund/support the cruelty in the meat industry) this wouldn't bother me at all. (Others may have different requirements of course.)

Did you talk to Emma, or know it was an issue for her?

Gladespade · 03/06/2024 11:01

RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 08:33

Oh dear.
DD is vegetarian and hates the smell of meat. The idea of eating a veggie kebab that has been cooked on a barbecue that has just cooked sausages or burgers is utterly repulsive to her (and to every vegetarian I have ever met).

It's a little worrying that people don't get this TBH.

It really not the same. The only thing that would have had contact with the cooking surface or the utensil would have been bread.

MitskiMoo · 03/06/2024 11:03

I've been vegetarian for many years and think you were being unreasonable. If your friend was so concerned about cross contamination where meat was also being served in a non-professional kitchen, she should have offered to cook or serve herself.

TraitorsGate · 03/06/2024 11:06

ToxicChristmas · 03/06/2024 10:45

Well one thing is for sure. There will be no more cooking in the office after all that drama.

Particularly if no one holds a food hygiene certificate , has attended allergy awareness or received oven training, so byo in future.

Maddy70 · 03/06/2024 11:07

I think you over reacted

KissMyArt · 03/06/2024 11:07

MitskiMoo · 03/06/2024 11:03

I've been vegetarian for many years and think you were being unreasonable. If your friend was so concerned about cross contamination where meat was also being served in a non-professional kitchen, she should have offered to cook or serve herself.

Edited

If she was at all concerned, she wouldn't have eaten a pizza cooked in the same oven as the meat.

This is what makes the OP look ridiculous, well that and shouting at the guy who got lumbered with cooking for everyone.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 11:10

Also, assuming these were supermarket pizzas.

Most of them go directly onto the oven shelf, and unless the staff regularly scrub the shelves after every use (unlikely during their lunch hour), it was probably contaminated anyway.

So the spatula would've made no difference at all.

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