WWYD- 2 very different children

[Member786488]

One very academic, studying at Cambridge, slightly autistic to the point where they struggle to find work in the holidays and rely on us financially despite our attempts to get them to get a job and fund holidays. Live on student loans the rest of the year.

the other is leaving school after A levels and will be working in a cafe or as a housemaid to make money. no desire whatsoever to go to uni. They have had a part time job since they were 12. Will live at home because they realise how expensive moving out and living independently can be.

the second child resents the financial support they see their sibling getting but don’t necessarily understand how difficult it it for their sibling to just ‘get a job.’

if we don’t support the older child they don’t eat.

any ideas?

I would tell the one getting a job after A levels they are lucky to have the social skills/mental resilience that allows them to navigate life easily and when they have children of their own they can make decisions about how to best support them just as you are doing with your children.

You can't be 'slightly' Autistic. You either are or you are not.

Can your older child get a paid internship at their or another university in their specialty during the summer holidays. This is what my dc did benefits are they get money and good for their cv. They need to ask their department for Internship opportunities and start applying after Xmas

You know what OP means. There isn't yet a term that is acceptable to everyone, that puts across the different types of autism. So we have to use what we have until people stop arguing about it and pick one.

@Crazycatlady79 they are probably very high functioning with their autism mostly invisible. No one can see my DSs autism, its important to distinguish as he has a lot more in common with the average NT teen than average ND teen.

What’s the long term plan for the one that can’t get a job?
What’s the long term plan for the one not going to Uni?
Is this the only way that the other one feels slighted?

On the surface it looks like both are getting similar support. But there is probably something a little deeper going on. The way you word your question reads to me that you do favor the one at Uni… but maybe I’m wrong🤷‍♀️

As you should treat children fairly, then any financial support you give the older one you should also be putting aside for the younger one when they need it e.g. a house deposit, car deposit.

If you cannot afford to put aside an equal amount then I suggest you lower the amount you are giving the eldest and help them to find a job that they can manage.

While I don’t entirely disagree with the sentiments here I do think approaching it from that angle is only going to deepen resentment.

Its hard, really hard, being the sibling of someone with no social skills, either because of autism or just because. What does tend to happen IME is a constant conflict between resentment and guilt. Your own social life and friendships are impeded by the sibling so you feel resentment but then also guilt because they are your brother/sister and you’re glad it’s them not you (and people will tell you this too.) It isn’t really an enviable position though.

Apologies @Crazycatlady79 your knowledge of this is greater than mine. I would re-phrase as high functioning, not diagnosed but tick every box on every test they’ve ever done

That.

I have one 'slightly autistic' academic, anxious and perfectionist child, and one super chilled and social child. The former would give everything to be able to navigate the social world like her sibling.

When you say they 'don't eat' do you mean literally starving themselves unless you are there to feed them, or in the proverbial sense of not having income? Because if its the first scenario that's a much more profound autism than your post implies and suggests someone incapable of independent living.

Will the younger one be paying to live at home once they start working?

Oh dear I suspect that this would not go well.

“Oi…kid2 you’re super lucky to not have kid’s problems now go out there and earn you own damn way while I take care of your sibling. Sure you’ll have to work hard and we’re not going to help but hey at least you can make friends”

I can see where you are coming from but as a NT sibling of a brother with Autism this is still the angle I would take.

Its not as if the 2nd child has been forced to get a job to support thrmselves/contribute to the family. They have persumably been supported through A levels and has a job since 12 because they wanted to.

My sibling has received more support than myself from my parents both financially and practically because he has needed it and I havent resented any of it.

Kid2 has chosen to get a job after A levels. If they had chosen to go to University I suspect they would have been supported by their parents to a certain degree as they have persumably been supported through A levels. No one is sending anyone up chimneys or the modern equivalent

OP can mention that and empathise with the younger one about that if it applies (in my DCs' case, it doesn't) within that conversation. But in this situation which is about a particular type of support, putting across that #2 would not want to swap lives with her sister, isn't out of place.

@Mostunexpected thats what prompted this post actually. I saw something about a young person living at home asked for contributions towards the family income. In my circumstances I think this would be impossible because of the financial support we give their sibling.

to add for context, we would save anything they gave us to return at some point, we just want to instill the fact that when one leaves education and earns, they pay their way.

Your second child may well think that you favour your oldest as he is so academic, and that feeds resentment, which is focused on ypur financial support of your eldest. Is tutoring a possibility? Can be online or in person.

Do you think your second is not going onto futher education because she (?) thinks she won't be able to do as well as her brother? With A levels she could get a better paid job than working in a cafe. Can you talk to her about what she'd really like to do - there are so many options, from further/higher education, appretenships to travelling.

Working in a cafe as a backpacker is more fun in Sydney, living in a backpackers hostel, than doing it in your home town, while living at home, while your friends are off at college or starting careers.

Sure you’ll have to work hard and we’re not going to help

Except that's not remotely what OP has said

I was going to ask this. If not, then financially they are both benefitting but just in different ways.

I have a similar situation but my high flier is also excellent at money mangement and has a job. The social one is totally disorganised but manages to scrape through. Lives at home as they don't make enough to move out.

First also has high anxiety, perfectionist tendencies and needs lots of reassurance and time from us. Second needs guidance, and bailing out.

I've always explained to both that we give them what they need so it's fair but not always equal.

Imho, you've got to financially support them both the same. The one with the job currently will therefore be better off, currently. But the one at uni may well be better off in the long run. So you really must support both the same so that they stand a chance of having a good relationship with each other in the future, and after you are gone.

It sounds really mixed that they are described as “slightly autistic” but then you go onto say they won’t eat without your financial aid? If they can’t get a job in holidays what’s the plan for after uni, will they never work/ live fully independently? It sounds much more complex than the OP and I agree with other posters that it sounds like you do seem to favour the uni one over the younger just in terms of the language used to describe both. It may be subconscious but clearly the younger sibling feels hard done by, whether that’s true or not. Really I wouldn’t give to one without doing the same for the other when it comes to finances regardless of their ND, unless one cannot at all live independently in which case it’s surely clear why they’d need additional support and you’d assume the younger child would understand?

I have a similar situation but my high flier is also excellent at money mangement and has a job. The social one is totally disorganised but manages to scrape through

First also has high anxiety, perfectionist tendencies and needs lots of reassurance and time from us. Second needs guidance, and bailing out.

Other than the bailing out bit, do we have the same children?