WWYD- 2 very different children

[Member786488]

One very academic, studying at Cambridge, slightly autistic to the point where they struggle to find work in the holidays and rely on us financially despite our attempts to get them to get a job and fund holidays. Live on student loans the rest of the year.

the other is leaving school after A levels and will be working in a cafe or as a housemaid to make money. no desire whatsoever to go to uni. They have had a part time job since they were 12. Will live at home because they realise how expensive moving out and living independently can be.

the second child resents the financial support they see their sibling getting but don’t necessarily understand how difficult it it for their sibling to just ‘get a job.’

if we don’t support the older child they don’t eat.

any ideas?

Sure Jan

If you gave them a chunk of cash at 18, what has oldest child dome with that?

From my experience with an older sibling who sounds very similar to your oldest, keeping funding them is really unhelpful in the long term. My brother had terrible social and organisational skills, kept loosing jobs and my parents kept funding him. Until my Dad was made redundant and they couldn't afford to anymore. Then, after a few false starts, my brother now has a job at a gym, made some like minded friends and eventually got married. He was extremely bright, but just couldn't cope with the pressure of a job which in theory aligned with his academic skills. But he has held down not much more than minimum wage job for many years, and has never been happier.

People with mild additional needs have to rightly or wrongly find a way to function in a this world, and they are much better off if supported (pushed) into stretching themselves.

I strongly suspect I am also autistic, every test has shown me to be so, but I personally have found ways to adjust and make the world work for me, and your oldest child needs to do the same. My parents were so focused on my brother (as, I'm sorry to say you seem to be on your oldest) so I has to find my way. And that did me no harm.

@Bushmillsbabe he went travelling with his money.

out of interest, what have I said that implies I’m more focused on my eldest?

Tbh the mere fact you are willing to indulge him in not working and fund his travel while you contemplate charging your other child rent suggests theres some serious imbalance.

If he has the skills to travel then he has the skills to work.

As someone who works in a highly academic field it's so important to also do entry level type jobs during those late teens /university years.

Does the world really need yet more humanities graduates who simply want the uni experience with no real interest in a subject?
What incredibly useful degree is golden child dc1 doing then?
If they're not going to be able to work, why go to uni?

If he was able to go travelling independently, he must have good budgeting, planning, organisation skills, and an ability to communicate with others.
You also mentioned that funding traveling will give him an ability to form connections outside the town you live in? Did he form any connections on the travelling he did at 18? Can these be developed?

My feeling is that you might be better using these funds to get him assessed privately, and supported to develop strategies to help manage his challenges.

That's a shame.

Although some animals do insist you do certain things at a certain time.